Saturday, September 30, 2023

Character Creation: Bean

It's the last day of September, insert Green Day joke here. I had intended to do a character for Tribe: Humanity's Last Hope, but then I started reading it and realized it's 425 fucking pages and I had to drive my mom around all day, so yeah, we're doing this cutesy thing instead.

The Game: Bean: The D2 Roleplaying Game
The Publisher: Fabled Worlds
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

The premise here is simple enough; it's meant to be a game you can play without dice or other accoutrements, as long as you have something that you can use as a D2. It recommends using beans and drawing 1 and 0 on opposite sides, because that would be funny, ignoring that doing so would be far more work than just getting some dice. 

But whatever. Using high/low or odd/even as a resolution and counting the number of successes is basically the same thing Ubiquity (of Desolation and Hollow Earth Expedition fame) does, so the system wouldn't be unworkable, just maybe a little simplistic. Let's make a character!

Is there a setting? Not really, just generic "fantasy." Cool, this'll be quick. I pick an archetype (Warrior, Wizard, Rogue). Let's do...rogue, why not. His name is Kallig, but his friends call him...also Kallig, he's far too green to have a nom de guerre. 

Body, Mind, and Spirit all get 3 Beans, and then +1 to Mind because I'm a Rogue. I'm therefore skilled in anything Rogues can do, but there's not a list, it's just "you've got thiefy skills." Likewise, I get whatever's reasonable equipment-wise, so yeah, leather armor, a dagger, and a sap for doing guards a clunk

Is there any particular point in considering looks or personality or anything like that? I dunno. I think Kallig is afraid of swamps. He's from a swamp, and when he was a boy he saw a gator drag someone into the water (the dude was a real jerk, don't worry about that, but it was really scary). Kallig got the hell out and went to the city, but like, no magical talent, not beefy enough to be a warrior, guess we're pickin' locks for a living. 

That'll do it, I suppose. I'll do a more interesting game next week.


Dragon Age: Out-stabbing in Our Field

Been a while due to the wilds and woolly whims of fate, but here we are back in the land of Thedas!

Our heroes (and I use that term somewhat loosely) trek overland, avoiding roads, heading for the border of Antiva and Rivain. Sinda has decided to very much follow Kalendra's lead going forward, since his big mouth kinda got people in trouble last time. Vedi, of course, is adamant that no matter what, he's not going back into prison.

The characters approach the border, and are approached by a man in what you might call a ramshackle, cobbled-together looking uniform. He asks who the characters are and where they're going, and Kalendra turns those questions right back on him. He claims to be the kind of hired guard for the Della Morte family from the city of Treviso, doing a bit of security. Kalendra points out that they're not in Treviso, that she's from Rivain, these are her friends, and she's headed home, so thnxbye.

The dude doesn't let it go, however, and four more people appear from the brush, one of whom is an elf standing a ways off. The guard tells them that a group of people fitting their description (looking pointedly at Vedi) has been spotted in the area and is wanted for discussion, and maybe they'd better just go with him.

Things get tense. Vedi glares, and frost starts to form around his nostrils. Sinda glances worriedly between Kalendra, Vedi, and the guard (his name is Ravad, if you're interested). Nakkim fingers his mace, which sounds really dirty. 

Kalendra tells Ravad that they'll be moving on, thanks all the same, and moves to do so. The elf (her name is Noa, if you're interested) bolts, clearly planning on bringing back reinforcements or otherwise snitching. Vedi snaps, and starts calling up ice. 

Noa is fast, but the ground is rocky and so she can't quite get out of sight before Vedi freezes her feet to the ground. Kalendra hurls a potion into the midst of the guards, and Sinda, following her lead, vanishes into the smoke like a phantom! He sneaks between the guards and spots one handily, but then backs up into the other. 

Meanwhile, Ravad tries to blunder his way out of the smoke, but just gets lost. The last guard draws a sword and charges at Vedi, intending to bonk him with the flat of the blade, but Vedi blocks it with a quick sheath of ice. Nakkim smashes through the ice and knocks the dude back with his mace, and the battle is joined!

Sinda spins, sees the other guard, makes a very dignified sound like "AAH!" and stabs the guard to death. The body falls, and the second guard (the one Sinda actually spotted before) closes on him, but Sinda is too quick to be stabbed! (It's also possibly that he just tripped in the right direction.) Nakkim and Vedi take on the sword-wielding dude and exchange some blows, but then Vedi gets fed up, grabs his throat, and conjures ice shards. (From somewhere across the multiverse, a whisper: "VEDI WINS! FATALITY!")

Ravad finds his way out of the smoke and rounds on Nakkim, and Kalendra scampers off after Noa. She gets close and downs a potion to make her fast, but Noa manages to free herself and isn't interesting in staying to fight. She runs off again, Kalendra pursues, and Vedi starts to summon up more ice, but being a Chronic Overthinker doesn't want to accidentally hit Kalendra. Noa escapes the area.

Meanwhile, Sinda and the other guard trade feints and thrusts, but neither one manages a blow. Sinda grabs a handful of flowers from the meadow, crushes them in his hand and flings the resulting oil and petals into the dude's face. The merc's eyes and lips immediately puff up and go red, and at that point Ravad calls a general retreat. "This didn't have to get violent!" he exclaims.

Vedi sits down heavily and starts bleeding off the excess heat (when you make ice, the heat has to go somewhere). Sinda asks if he can make water or just ice, and Vedi considers and then conjures up some water ("it's all just humidity, I guess"), so Sinda can wash the blood and flower oil off his hands. 

The characters can get across the border into Rivain, but now there are probably more people from Treviso after them, and the Della Morte family is definitely interested. The motley continues on, discussing the spicy fish soup that is the signature dish of this part of Rivain, and explaining the wonders of the versatile "potato" to Vedi ("They're great!" says Sinda. "So much you can do with them. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew...")

Friday, September 29, 2023

Character Creation: Blackwood Granny Codex

It's actually "Errantry", not "Granny," but the font is hard to read and Michelle came out of the living room today, saw the book on the table and said "Blackwood Granny?" and then I had visions of a bunch of grandmas in this game going out and protecting the world from the horrors of the woods.

The Game: Blackwood Errantry Codex
The Publisher: The Mythic Gazetteer
Degree of Familiarity: None with this game, but it's Savage Worlds
Books Required: Blackwood Errantry Codex and some version of the Savage Worlds rules; I think it's written for the Explorer's Edition

I got my copy of this game in 2018 sometime, I think, put it on my shelf, and completely forgot about it. That sounds like a diss on the game, but it's not - that happens a lot because I back so many games. In the case of Blackwood, I think I thought it was a Thieves Guild sort of a game? I don't remember. The cover doesn't help - it's real boring. The title doesn't really say anything. You'd be forgiven for thinking this is a supplement for some other game.

But it's actually a pretty cool little fantasy game, in which you're playing characters who have, for whatever reason, chosen to defend the citizenry against the Blackwood. There are monsters and bandits and elves (elves in this game aren't the floofy immortal hotties from Tolkein, they hew much closer to the Fair Folk of legend), and the Errants are the ones who stand up. So actually the game looks very much like my cuppa. Let's make a character!

I always gravitate towards the various Arcane Backgrounds in SW games, and one of the ones in Blackwood is Herbalism. I think a no-nonsense older fellow herbalist would be fun, maybe someone who lost an adult son to the Blackwood and that's why he's taken up Errantry at an advanced age. 

The first thing I'm asked to do is pick a culture, in lieu of race. I think I want Elderfolk, they seem like they have the vibe I'm looking for. That gives me the Studious Edge, which gives me a free Novice Edge (it would give me extra Power Points if I were taking a different Arcane Background, but such is life), and the Surefooted Hindrance, which sounds like it should be an Edge but in practice just lowers my Pace. 

Attributes is next, but I actually want to take a gander (HONK) at the Elderly Hindrance first. Oof...it drops my Strength and Vigor by a die type. Hmm. The minimum is d4, meaning that if I just don't put any points into those, I'd wind up with the same point spread that I would if I put a die into each of them. FINE. So, Strength d4, Smarts d8, Spirit d8, Vigor d4, Agility d6. 

Skills! This is pre-SWADE, so I don't get the basic Skills thing. Let's look ahead at Herbalism. OK, pretty simple, it's a Smarts-based Skill. Groovy. So let's arrange things thus:

Herbalism d8 (obvs), Intimidation d6 (disapproving grandpa stare), Healing d8, Fighting d4, Survival d8, Tracking d4, Stealth d4, Notice d4.

Edges n' shit! I get a free Edge, and then of course I'm gonna take Hindrances. I'll use my free Edge to take Arcane Background (Herbalism), so that's easy. I want the Elderly Hindrance (Major), and then for my minors...hmm. I don't want to make the character maudlin and obsessed over his son's death, that just sounds too depressing (I'd rather have it be something that would come up during play and make for a cool moment, but not a Major Thing necessarily). 

I'll give him the Mischievous Hindrance, just because I think that would be lots of fun to play and would probably take the form of him slipping extra herbs into people's drinks or draughts that make them burp or smell funny or whatever. And then one more Minor, hmm. Oh, Stubborn, totally. That's easy.

Right, now I gotta do the powerz from my Arcane Background. I get three powers, chosen from:

Let's take Detect/Conceal Arcana, seems like something that you could do with a poultice (it's all down to how fast you let it boil whether it's for Detect or Conceal). I'd love to take Blast, but it's Seasoned, so let's take Burst and saw that it's activated by dropping some pellets into a bottle, shaking it, and turning it loose! (A kind of fantasy Diet Coke/Mentos sort of thing.) And then I'll take Speed, just because the image of this old man quaffing a potion and then going zoom across a battlefield is amusing to me.

Right, so then I have 4 "points" to throw around, and I really think they're gonna go into Skills mostly. Let's take Knowledge (Blackwood) at d6, Persuasion d4, and Taunt d4. 

Cool, that's all the normal stuff. I have to think about languages, since this game uses the multiple language rule. I speak Common plus four other languages. Let's say my old fella reads Ancient Script, understands Beast Tongue, Pagan, and Elvish (though he might not admit to the latter).

And I think that's it. Well, equipment, but meh. Pace is 4 (Surefooted + Elderly = SLOOOOW), Parry is 4, Toughness is 4, and all we need is a name!

My guy's name is Halbert Dietersten (one of the surnames in the book, I like it). His son Adalan was killed acting as an Errant, and Halbert, after a period of mourning, decided that he should take up his son's cause. He misses his grandkids (he's got a bunch, and he jokes about getting them confused but the truth is he knows all of their names, favorite drinks, favorite foods, birthdates, and how many freckles on their noses) his daughters, but there's something about being out in the world and being able to harvest his plants and make them into things that can protect others that draws him in. Halbert plays pranks and pretends to be crotchety and cantankerous, but he's actually a very kind and loving soul. Just don't try and tell him the best way to grind up corrig root, because he's not interested in hearing it, youngster. 

Halbert is short and stocky, like most Elderfolk. He's a little stooped and walks with a cane - not a walking stick, those just get in the way. He's got a bunch of pouches sewn onto the outside of his britches, because he reach down to his thigh a lot more easily than he can reach across to his chest. 

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Character Creation: Never Going Home

All the fun of WWI - now with blood magic!

The Game: Never Going Home
The Publisher: Wet Ink Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

I've had Never Going Home on my shelf for a few years now, and I think I had it misfiled - I had it under post-apocalypse, but it's really an alt-history game (which I usually filed with urban fantasy, but maybe it needs its own section? Hmm). Anyway, it's up there with Lightning War and Wild Skies: Europa Tempest in that it presents an alternate take on a real-world historical event, in this case the Great War.

The Great War is fertile ground for RPG-type stuff; we see it in Wraith: The Great War as well as the aforementioned other games. I'm sure there are others, too. It's got the tactical aspects, sure, but I think it's just as interesting to lean into the dark, violent, messy absurdism of the whole thing - here are a lot of fragile young men put on the front lines before an enemy that has the technology to turn them into hamburger on a heretofore unseen scale, the people pulling the strings are too blinkered and old to even acknowledge that things have changed and that shit like "shell shock" is a real thing, what can we do but write poetry? I've always wanted to run a game set during the Great War, but I don't think I've ever quite had the right group for it. 

Anyway, Never Going Home is about the Unit - the group of soldiers out here doing missions. There's a dice system called the +One system, same as Wet Ink's other game Heckin' Good Doggos (which is, shall we say, tonally different). Basically you roll your skill dice but use your Attribute rating to add dice, or add pips to rolls, or reroll dice. As such, if you have a high skill rating or a high Attribute rating, you're in better shape. Reading the game, I worry you'd fail an awful lot even with decent ratings, but then, Heckin' Good Doggos worked pretty well at the table and this game has a lot of line support (usually the sign of a game that people are interested in, unless your name is 'Lakim').

Anydangway, let's make a character. Let's assume he's American, and named William Jones (yes, this is a reference to the "Jones" bloodline in Vampire: The Requiem, which was renamed "Brothers of Ypres" because somebody is a fuckin' Philistine. But they're the Jones, that's their real name). 

I get 10 points to split up between Brawn, Smarts, and Guts, except I really get 7 points because there's a 1 minimum in each one. Anyway, let's assume that young William is more Guts than Smarts. I'll put his Guts up to 5, his Brawn at 3 and his Smarts at 2. 

Next step is gender, sexuality, and personal history. Um, OK. Is my sexuality that big a part of the game? It didn't seem like it, reading it, but that's fine.

So, sure. William Jones is from...um, someplace with pears, I think. Who grows pears? Washington, sounds good. Willie is from central Washington, got drafted at 18, sent away to France, and now here we are. Willie misses the smell of pears on the air, and the sound of the bees when the pear starts to ripen. And he misses Jackie, another boy his age who promised to kiss them before they both shipped out, but then when Willie showed up to where they'd agreed to meet, Jackie wasn't there. Alas. 

Next up? Training! 

(An aside: I don't remember another game that interjects the "concepty" stuff of chargen between mechanical stuff, but I wonder if that's not a smart way to do it. Enough mechanical framework to get some sense of who the character is, and then consider history, and then back to skills? Hmm.)

I get three skills that are "trained", so let's pick Athletics (runnin', jumpin', climbin' trees), Transport (Willie is a skilled driver, I guess), and Whisper (magic; maybe Willie just has a knack).

Now I get three points to actually buy Skill dice in those three Skills. I think I'll go one each. That means I must pick a Whisper path. I want one that relies on Guts, obviously. I'll take Healing Words, and take the Holiday spell (I can do a group ritual that lifts everyone's spirits, that's pretty cheerful). 

And that is it, actually. If I were playing I'd draw three cards for my "starting deployment" (a lot of sub-systems work with cards, and it looks pretty interesting, actually), but since I'm not, I shan't bother. Willie is now 19, brown hair, brown eyes, looks like any of thousands of other young men dying in the trenches.

Monday, September 25, 2023

Drama Llamas: Bleat Queens!

So now that Slipstream has ended, we're doing a couple of one-shots (or short games, anyway). We played Bluebeard's Bride last time, and now we delve into the thrilling world of reality TV!

Our llamas are competing for a role in the upcoming horror film Shears 6 (stylized as 6hears). The llamas will be put through a series of challenges, all culminating in a screen test for the producers from Llamasgate Films and Matted Pictures.

Our judges are: Llama May Quizás, star of Shears 1-3, Llamaween, and the controversial cult horror film Black Spitmas; Hollyhoof stunt coordinator and set designer Anchew Hoofman; and acclaimed director of The Cloppening and Shears 4 M. Night Camelflop. Let's meet our contestants!

  • Coco (the Almost Famous) is no stranger to the camera - she was the face of Gerber Cria Food, the original Gerber Cria. Now she runs her own series on Ewetube, the Coco Channel. She believes that she brings experience and true acting chops to Bleat Queens!
  • Olive (the Hot Mess) is also an entrepreneur - she sells a variety of natural supplements, candles, and, um, insertables. She believes that she can win this competition and bring awareness to her brand!
  • Lulu (That Bitch) is here to win. She is ruthless, sharp, and stylish, and these other llamas better just clop out of her way!   

The llamas are shown to the Ranch, and Llama May shows them the corral. Inside the shed is the Shearer! (Dramatic music.) For their first challenge, they'll need to plead for the Shearer not to shear them - they'll have 20 seconds to convince him. She leaves the llamas to prepare.

The llamas stake out their stalls in the Ranch (Lulu takes the biggest one, obvs). Olive lights a candle that smells like feet, and the other two kind of react - Coco asks her to put it out because it smells, um, like feet, but Olive tells her that's the whole point. It vibrates at the same frequency as your gall bladder, so it's very cleansing. 

Lulu knocks over the candle when Olive isn't looking (obvious sabotage!) but Olive has like ten of these, so it's not a big deal. Olive later tries to hide one of the candles in Lulu's hay, but Lulu catches her and tells her not to do that.

The llamas go to their first challenge and all three beg the Shearer not to shear them, but Lulu and Olive spend more time talking about their fur or their products and Coco is the only one that really gives a good bleat. Coco wins the challenge, and the llamas move to the sound stage to meet with M. Night Camelflop and learn their next challenge.

Mr. Camelflop tells them that their second challenge will be moving through a room - easy enough, right? But then he unveils the twist - FURBIES! The room is full of furbies, and at some point as they're going through the room, they'll activate. The llamas will have to act scared, and the door isn't opening until they sell it!

The llamas get to prepare, and Lulu and Coco ally themselves. Olive rants about feet and sand and so forth, and inadvertently exposes Coco as a massive M. Night Camelflop fan (like, she has a signed The Cloppening poster, but also a map of the star paddock where he lives...). Lulu is winning favor as Olive and Coco seem a little too wrapped up in their own little agendas - could she be the Bleat Queens breakout star?

The llamas go back to the sound stage and undertake the challenge. Each of them enters the room in turn, and halfway through the furbies activate. Lulu gives a suitably terrified reaction, pounding on the door. Coco screams about pom-poms and winds up on her knees, bonking her head against the door, while Olive gives a good startled reaction (she may have forgotten why she was there), but then rants about birds. Lulu wins the challenge, and the llamas meet with Llama May to learn about their Episode Challenge.

Llama May informs them that since the first challenge didn't really go so well, they'll have another chance to convince everyone that they belong here. Their final challenge of the day will be to explain why they deserve to win Bleat Queens, but with a special character trait that they can't directly explain, but must bring across in their performance.

The llamas go back to the Ranch to prepare. Olive zips over to the Craft Services table and Coco takes the opportunity to replace her feet-candles with pine candles. Olive gets back and sniffs out the switch immediately, and while she's appreciative of the "gift," she isn't thrilled that Coco gave her something from the mall. 

(Cut to Coco in the confessional: "I didn't get them at the mall. I got them at Dollar Tree.")

Lulu somehow manages to make this all about her, and she and Coco argue about it. Lulu winds up coming out sympathetic - Coco looks like she's just here to promote her Ewetube channel, Olive looks both opportunistic and crazy, but Lula seems like she's just hungry and sharp! But her penchant for drama pushes her a little too far into the drama pool, and with two llamas getting the dread Villain Edit and one just a little too toxic, they go into the Episode Challenge.

Olive goes first, and her special condition flashes at the bottom of the screen: An alien parasite in your brain makes you crave papaya. Olive grabs a basket of fruit and gives a convincing speech about how she is here on Earth, er, at this competition, to bring new awareness to fruit, er, horror...eventually she just grabs a papaya and starts noming. 

Coco goes next (your tail is making fun of you). She again highlights her experience as an actress, but winds up doing a very slow tail chase and occasionally snarling at her tail, culminating in a screech of "SHUT UP" aimed at her rump.

Finally, Lulu takes her turn. Her condition is: you see your long-dead brother in every glass of water. She highlights her confidence - she is going to be the next Bleat Queen - but does takes to a glass of water and eventually gradually pushes it out of shot. 

The judges confer, and they decide that Coco and Olive tie for the win on this challenge - they both made their cases for being the Bleat Queen but also brought across their horrific condition, while Lulu couldn't quite balance the two. The llamas head back to the Ranch, resting up for tomorrow's challenges! 

(Next time on Bleat Queens: The llamas learn how to bleat from a pro! (Camera shot of the llamas in a circle making loud bleats.) And they undertake a challenge that will require them to hone their sense of fashion! (Close up on Olive, missing one shoe.))

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Chill: The Thing in the Pit

Yesterday, another one-session Chill case, as once again a couple of players were out. Next month, though, we should have a full table once again.

It's March of 2021, and Detective Jackson, the cell's contact in the Boise PD, has assembled envoys at a Panera in the south end of town. Four envoys, specifically: Manny Wall, Blake Wheeler, Melanie Banks, and Jordan Ramsey. Jackson lays out a map of the area south of town with some things written on it, and his concerns:

Two days ago a teenage girl named Annie Temple ran away from home with her boyfriend, Fred Hober. Yesterday Hober was arrested in Mountain View (a ways south of Boise), and first claimed that he'd never taken Annie away from her home, then claimed he'd let her out not far out of town, then he shut up and asked for counsel. Annie's cell phone last pinged on a Rural Route around some farms and a ranch, and so Jackson went out to ask around and see if anyone saw anything. 

One of the places he went was Blazing Brush Ranch, a big cattle ranch owned and run by one Larry Billings. Billings didn't know anything, but did mention that over the years he'd lost a suspicious amount of cattle. Jackson just filed that away, but then he talked to the owner of Goswin Farm, a fellow named Peter Goswin. While he was on Goswin's property, he felt unsafe. "They guy just felt off," Jackson tells the envoys. "Maybe it's a cop thing, I don't know, some people just feel off." But what was worse was the noise.

"I can't describe it," he says. "Kind of a rumble, but more like...I don't know, like hearing a squirrel in your chimney. Scrabbling around, but bigger. Scared the hell out of me. Figured maybe this was your kind of weird." But then he drops the other bombshell: there's a history of missing people in there going back a few years. The most recent case (before Annie Temple) was a state trooper named Mike Paulson. He left his house in the morning to go to the Black's Creek Shooting Range before going on duty, and his car was found on the side of the road that afternoon. That was December 2020. Before that, a hiker lost his yellow lab, and claimed to see a black or dark blue van speeding away. He activated the dog's microchip later that day, but it never sent back a signal. That was September 2020.

The month before that, a large animal vet named Tim McCrary disappeared - he was on his way to Blazing Brush, his truck was found later with a snapped fan belt, but he was never seen again. (Blake remembers him; he used to work with him occasionally when he was in Animal Control.) In January 2020, a man named Bud Comey disappeared from the shooting range. Witnesses say he'd had an argument, but no one seemed to remember with whom (Jackson suspects they did know, but didn't think it was important and didn't want to get someone in trouble). 

And then back in May 2019, an old man named Cooper Tabbit disappeared. He had dementia and had wandered away from his house before, and this time was just never found. 

The envoys have a sinking feeling that this is all connected, though Jordan points out that normally when people go missing from a confined area like this they fit a type. These don't - different genders, different ages ("all white," says Jackson, "but then we're in Boise"). The envoys decide to head out there, introduce themselves around, and claim to be concerned citizens looking for Annie Temple. Jackson gives them permission to drop his name if it'll help, reminds them to respect "No Trespassing" signs (in no small part because they're likely to get shot if they don't), and the envoys head south. 

Their first stop is the area where Annie Temple's cell phone last pinged. They bring a metal detector with them and look around, trying to find the phone, but it's not there. They do find a cigarette butt with purple lipstick on it, and stick it in a baggie for Jackson. They spot a wire fence and walk up to it; they figure they must be at the border of Goswin and Billings' properties (some bored-looking cows confirm this). 

They drive around to the Rural Route and pull into Goswin Farm. They immediately notice that the place isn't being maintained - it's not exactly falling apart but it's in some disrepair. They see two buildings - a barn and a house - and then Pete Goswin comes out to meet them. 

They talk with him and give him their cover story. Goswin isn't exactly helpful, but he's not evasive, either. He claims he's never seen Annie, he talked to Jackson and told him the same thing. When he sees Manny and Peedee (Manny's dog) start to walk over to the barn, he warns them off - there was some weather damage over the winter and he doesn't want anyone getting near there until he's had a chance to have it repair. Manny agrees, but spots something sparkly by the door. He pulls out his phone and zooms in - it's a pair of novelty sunglasses that read "2021." Kind of out of character for this place.

Blake focuses on the barn and Sense the Unknown, and immediately wishes he hadn't. He feels his missing eye start to bleed under his patch, and feels something in the barn, something more powerful than he's ever felt before. He manages to keep himself under control and the envoys ask to walk through Goswin's property to the outer fence, where Annie's phone last pinged. Goswin agrees, and they walk through his property.

They don't find any evidence of Annie, but on their way back, they do find something weird - there's a section of fence where the nodules (the ones the wire's wrapped around) have been modified so they can slot into the fence post like a key. That means that one can "unlock" them and open a section of fence. It's not big enough for a vehicle - but it's certainly big enough for a cow. The envoys head back to their vehicle and get off the property, and Blake finally moves his patch.

Jordan chastises him a bit for not saying something sooner, but he wanted to get off Goswin's land before he reacted. He explains what he felt, and the envoys theorize that Goswin has been feeding cows - and probably people - to something in the barn. But what? And why? They decide to head down to Blazing Brush Ranch and talk with Larry Billings.

They get a much warmer reception there - Billings' secretary, Judy, is happy to talk with them, especially once they explain they're looking for Annie. She calls Billings into the office and he agrees to drive them out to the edge of the property to look around. They also learn that Goswin has sold Billings a lot of his acreage over the last couple of years, but when Billings tried to buy Goswin's livestock, he was told they were all dead of anthrax. The envoys don't really buy this (and neither did Billings); an anthrax outbreak might not have made national news but Blake certainly would have been told about it. 

Billings shows them the ranch and they show him the rigged section of fence, which doesn't please him much. They head back to the office and ask about Goswin and his history, and learn that no one's seen his wife, Francesca, in as much as three years. Judy shows them pictures from the Blazing Brush Christmas party from years past where the Goswins attended, and Peter looks happy and healthy, not like the sallow, thin man they met earlier. Something happened to him, but no one knows what. They also learn that when Goswin sold Billings his land, Billings dropped off the paperwork and then came back the next day to pick it up, and it had both Francesca's and Pete's signatures - but Billings never saw Francesca.

The envoys ask Billings if they can come back tomorrow and look around a little more thoroughly; he agrees, he'll just have to make an employee available to them so that someone can supervise (it's an insurance issue). They leave and head to the Shooting Range, the last stop on their little tour.

Blake goes and does a bit of target practice while Melanie, Manny, and Jordan talk to the fellow working the desk (one Doug Burgess). Burgess confirms that Bud Comey was a regular here, and that the person he got into an argument with the day he disappeared was Pete Goswin. He's skeptical that Goswin had anything to do with it, though - Bud was a bigger and younger guy, and he's pretty sure Bud could have won that fight. Another guy there lives near where Tim McCrary's truck was found, and offers an interesting piece of data. He saw that truck early in the day, and the hood was down, but then later when the police found it, the hood was up. Maybe that doesn't mean anything. (Or maybe, the envoys theorize, someone came back and made it look like a breakdown.)

The envoys head back to the ranch and touch base with Jackson. He agrees that it looks bad for Goswin, but he doesn't have enough to get a warrant or even bring Goswin in for questioning. They do a little research and find that neither Pete nor Francesca have living family. They got married in 1990 in a Baptist church on the south end of Boise, but neither have a social media presence. The farm has a web site, but it's not being updated. Jordan also finds something interesting - in May 2018, Goswin got a permit to dig a cistern in his barn. 

The theory comes into focus a little more - Goswin dug a pit, and is maybe keeping something there that's killing people? Maybe it's even his wife, somehow, or maybe it ate his wife. In any case, he's clearly willing to abduct people to keep it "fed." 

In the morning, the envoys go back to Blazing Brush to do more inspection, and ride around on a cart with a sweet fellow named Chip. Chip doesn't know much (generally) but he's happy to talk to them about the ranch and Billings and so on. It comes out that Billings didn't come in today, which Chip says is unusual.

With a sinking feeling, the envoys go back to the office and have Judy call Billings' house. His wife Tessie confirms - he never came home, and she doesn't know where he is. The envoys tell Judy to report him missing, and they call Jackson. 

Jackson agrees to go with them to Goswin's in the morning and distract him so they can check the barn. He tells them that if Billings said to them that he was planning to visit or confront Goswin, that'll get him in the door. The pull into the farm and Goswin lets Jackson into the house, and the envoys beeline to the barn.

Manny notes that the sunglasses are gone. He draws a huge Line of Defense around the barn, figuring that they'd better keep whatever's there contained. At this, the envoys all feel something, like holding a box with a living thing inside it, but the "box" is the ground beneath them. ("I hate this," says Jordan.) Blake touches the barn and uses Schematic, and finds the hole in the barn's floor - but loses the bottom. At some point, it stops being part of the barn.

They enter and see a big, raised barrier in a circle, covered in a tarp - the pit. There's a dark blue van on the other side. Blake checks it and finds bloodstains, and a circular bolt welded to the side of the van (in case you needed to chain something up inside). Jordan draws a Line of Defense to give them somewhere to fall back to, and Blake and Manny pull off the tarp. 

They hear something move, but don't see it. They all peek over and Jordan throws a flare down, and they immediately regret it. Their minds rebel at what they're seeing - it has too many legs. It must have a body and a head and sensory organs, but they can't perceive them. They see it move, but not in a way that makes sense. The flare lasts only a few merciful seconds before it's snuffed out, but that's enough. The envoys know that this thing is going to live in their minds forever. They shouldn't have looked.

"Burn it," says Jordan. They start throwing lighter fluid and whatever else they can into the pit and lighting it up, but then the barrier starts to crack. It's climbing out. It destroys the Line and slithers/jumps/crawls out, darting behind the van. Jordan draws another Line, but it pushes the van forward and disrupts that one, too. 

Melanie raises a Sphere of Protection and the envoys slowly back out of the barn. Jordan nearly steps on the Line encircling it, but Manny's Quicken discipline saves the day at the last second. Then they hear an anguished scream: "You let it out?"

Pete Goswin is standing on his porch with a shotgun in his hands. They ask after Jackson and he gives them a dismissive wave, and cries that he's tried to keep it contained. They ask why he fed it, and he says "if I didn't, it starts to climb out. I tried to kill it. Tried to shoot it and blow it up. It can't be killed. And now you let it out."

And with that, he sits down, puts the gun under his chin, and pulls the trigger.

Jordan and Manny both break. Manny runs to the van and holds onto Peedee for dear life. Jordan just backs up, unable to face the idea of this thing getting out. But it's still contained by the Line, Blake and Melanie realize, at least until sundown. They find whatever other flammables they can and burn the barn, and somewhere in there, they hear - a scream? A shriek? An explosion? They're not sure.

Jackson is alive; Goswin tazed him and zip-tied him in the kitchen. The envoys find evidence and rambling confessions; Goswin dug the pit while making the cistern and uncovered it. It ate Francesca when she got too close, and Goswin has been keeping it fed so it doesn't try and escape while trying to find a way to kill it ever since. His dining room was converted into a workshop where he looked for solutions - thermite, exorcism, protection spells, nothing seemed to work. But two items stand out to the envoys.

One is an email printout from someone named Alex Martin Prost, saying that he's willing to help Goswin but he needs to know who and where he is. Blake recognizes that name - Prost is a SAVE envoy and researcher. 

The other is a slip of paper that fell under the table, notable only for the strange phrase written on it: "druj nasu." The envoys don't know what to make of this, but it worries them.

Saturday, September 23, 2023

Character Creation: Necronautilus

DEATH SQUIDS. 

The Game: Necronautilus
The Publisher: World Champ Game Co
Degree of Familiarity: None. I can spell
Books Required: Just the one

Necronautilus is another one of these games that I'm sure looked cool on Kickstarter, I backed it, it took a while to get here (but not an inordinate amount of time or anything) and by the time I got my copy I'd forgotten what the game was about. Sometimes it's easy to tell looking at the game, and then there's this one. Weird death metal font, colorful skull and...mushrooms? on the cover. WTF is this game, I thought, as I started to read?

It's weird, no doubt. You're playing people who have died and who are now sentient gas clouds that fly throughout the galaxy in which exists everything that has ever died or will die (so, um, everything), acting as Agents of Death. But in some game logic that I really like:


So the core of the game is exploration and delving into weirdness, but also, your main currency is Words. Your ship runs on Words, you magic runs on Words, and your Words can explode and reform into other Words. I'm actually excited to try this game out at some point. 

For now, let's make an Agent. There's actually not all that much to chargen as far as concept because part of the game is rediscovering your Memories pre-death. 

We start off with three Words of Power. These can be anything, as long as the Word is at least 4 letters long. Without agonizing too much, I'll choose "underwater," "nocturnal," and "atmosphere."

Now we pick three more Words in our Collection, which I can't use for magic the way I can the other ones, but can power our ship or be used in other ways. I'll pick "crepuscular", "right," and "wailing".

Luck and Life both start at 6, that's easy.

Items are just slots that I can use during missions to create items that I might need to use, so nothing needs to be done with them during chargen. 

Reason is arguably the most important part of chargen - it's why I chose to be a Death Agent. There's a helpful bunch of examples, but I can probably come up with something. Let's say my Agent "wished to understand the nature of light." 

Finally, I pick my Title; basically my name or call-sign among other Death Agents. We'll say my particular gas cloud is called "Moth." (Going back to that Don Marquis poem again, Matt? YES I AM.)

And that's it! 

Thursday, September 21, 2023

Movie #753: John Wick Chapter 4

John Wick: Chapter 4 is the last (?) in the John Wick series, and stars Keanu Reeves, Ian McShane, Bill SkarsgĂĄrd, Laurence Fishburne, Shamier Anderson, Donnie Yen, Clancy Brown, Scott Adkins, Hiroyuki Sanada, Rina Sawayama, and Lance Reddick. 

Picking up where we left off after Parabellum, John Wick (Reeves), having recovered from getting blown off a damn roof by his buddy Winston (McShane), continues his campaign to kill his way to freedom. Unfortunately, the High Table is not fucking around, and empowers Rich White Douchebag du jour Marquis du Gramont (SkarsgĂĄrd) to do whatever is necessary to kill him. The Marquis hits the ground running - he excommunicates Winston, shoots his loyal concierge Charon (Reddick, RIP), blows up the Continental, and brings in Caine (Yen), Wick's friend and compatriot and tasks him with hunting Wick down. 

(Caine is a blind man in a world of deadly assassins, so you know he's a badass.)

Wick flees to Osaka and winds up getting his friend Koji (Sanada) killed and his branch of the Continental deconsecrated, and then, on Winston's advice, reconnects with his own assassin family and gets brought back into the fold so that he can challenge the Marquis to an actual duel. 

You know, typing that out, I'm struck by how little actually happens. I don't say that to mean the movie is boring or uneventful, just that in terms of plot and events it's pretty minimal. The meat of the movie is the set pieces, John Wick coping with wave after wave of assassins, ranging from the heavily armed and masked folks in Japan, the Marquis' muscular men with their magical bulletproof suits (led by Marko Zaror's Chidi), and then the more street-level folks in Paris. We've seen Wick's fights before and these scenes aren't a huge departure, but we get to see him fight against and then alongside Caine, which brings some freshness to the whole affair.

And because it wouldn't be John Wick without a dog, we have the Tracker, aka Mr. Nobody (Anderson), a newbie trying to get into the higher echelons of this world and doing it by driving up the value on Wick's contract before killing him, and getting in well over his head. (He has a dog. I just realized that the previous sentence implies that he is a dog, and that's not what I meant.)

So, as with the rest of the series, John Wick is peak neo-noir/urban fantasy. The bystanders just keep walked, driving, dancing and completely ignore the violence around them, while the "real" world, the assassins' world, is the one we're focused on. (Although I do find it interesting that when the High Table boss in Berlin, Adkins' Killa, dies, everyone around him suddenly notices what's happening and panics, which if it was deliberate has some fun "the king is the land" implications.) I really like that the story is really about Caine, Mr. Nobody, and Winston more than Wick himself, because Wick really gives off the impression that his story is over and he's trying to get out of it. That was probably the best way to handle this, because it gives us something new to learn and some new folks to root for, and it keeps the stakes high: By the end, the duel is to decide the fate not only of Wick, but Caine, his daughter, Winston, Mr. Nobody, and the Marquis in one way or another.

The world-building in the series is, as always, top-notch, although it feels more specific to the characters here. We see some of the subtle gradations in the assassins - clearly Caine and Wick are on one level, the Marquis is on another, Winston another, and Mr. Nobody and maybe the Bowery King (Fishburne) yet another. Everyone is dangerous in their own way, but while the Marquis is refined and cultured and maybe a little overdressed, Mr. Nobody walks around with a backpack and a dog. Characters' motivations are clear, sometimes they're obvious (Caine is very clear about what he wants), sometimes a little more subtly (I love the scene at the duel where Wick, Caine, Winston, and the Marquis share a drink of wine from crystal glasses, and Mr. Nobody, sitting nearby on a bench, cracks a beer and gives a little to his dog). 

Obviously Wick dies at the end. This really couldn't end any other way, but again, there's the impression that Wick's story actually ended two movies ago and it's the world that wouldn't let him go. That shit is hard to pull off, but I think Chad Stahelski does it nicely. John is buried with his wife, but the world goes on - Koji's daughter Akria (Sawayama) prepares to kill Caine for killing her father, showing that the cycle of murder isn't really going to stop just because the Boogeyman is finally gone.

And, bonus, we have a spinoff with Ana de Armas coming up, so I'm excited to see how well that'll work.

My Grade: A
Rewatch Value: Medium-low (it's long)

Next up: M3GAN

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Character Creation: Cthulhu Dark

I do love well-done Mythos games. (Spot the subtle implication.)

The Game: Cthulhu Dark
The Publisher: Graham Walmsley
Degree of Familiarity: None with this game, played a bunch of Mythos games
Books Required: Just the one

I mean, I shouldn't say (or imply) that. There's a lot to like about Cthulhu Dark, apart from the fact that it sounds like a stout from a brewery that's way too pleased with how nerdy it is. The system is so simple that I felt like I missed something when I read it, and there's not only a lot of advice on writing horror scenarios and running horror games, but a fairly comprehensive and very digestible explanation of lots of Mythos-related threats and characters. Plus four fleshed-out settings. 

I just...I don't know. The game part of the game feels simplistic, but maybe that's not bad? Reading it, I just kind of feel like it'd be more useful as a supplement or launchpad to, say, Trail of Cthulhu or tremulus than a game on its own. But that's probably fine, right? (I'm tempted to do the more recent Cthulhu Hack next and see how that works.)

Anyway, gonna make a character. It doesn't take much, because there are no stats. In play, you roll some d6s, and by default you don't fail at anything unless someone thinks failure would be interesting, in which case you add a Failure Die and if that comes up higher than anything else, you fail. There's also an Insight die tied to your Insight rating, and if that rating gets too high you go bananas and leave play. Like I said, pretty simple.

So what setting do I want? There's one set in London of 1851, but the sample scenario is something I would probably X-card out of hand so nah. But the one set in Arkham, Massachusetts in 1692, that's something I can get behind. So let's do that. The hook for the scenario assumes the characters gave evidence in a witch trial that resulted in the execution of a family. The scenario tells the GM to make sure the PCs have a relationship with one Christopher Miles, and with the Ingham family, but that probably isn't necessary for my purposes. 

One of the few descriptors for characters in this game is occupation, and the book handily describes a bunch appropriate to the setting. I rather like this idea of being an engraver and specializing in wood, rather than metal. 

So: My character is Giles Carter, the son of George Carter, a local carpenter. Giles meant to follow in his father's profession, but when he was young he was thrown from a horse and broke his leg badly. He eventually recovered enough that he can walk, more or less, but doesn't have the mobility he'd need to do the kind of work his father does. He does, however, have extremely good hands and as long as he has somewhere to sit, or the custom stander his father made him (so he can reach doorjambs), he can do some pretty intricate engraving. 

So that's name and occupation sorted. I need a specialty, something within Giles' professional wheelhouse that he's good at. I'll say Symbolism - Giles is good to finding ways to say a lot with a few sentences, and the reverse of that (figuring what symbols might mean) is a nice bonus.

For Personality, I'm meant to pick a single positive adjective; I'll say Giles is humble. For his Flaw, I'll say it's his disabled leg. He can't walk without a crutch, and some days it hurts too much to even do that. 

Giles is now 20 and he's gotten quite used to people talking about his "cross to bear" or whatever. He manages to get away with some more subversive carvings because he can play to sympathies, but he tries to be careful not to piss anyone off - it's not like he could run. Giles is clear-faced, light brown hair and blue eyes, with maybe a few freckles on his cheeks and nose (his sister Rebecca got the motherload of freckles, so Giles feels he got off light there). 

That's it, then!

Sunday, September 17, 2023

Character Creation: FantasyCraft

Got some time today and I can't play Mortal Kombat all day, so. 

The Game: FantasyCraft
The Publisher: Crafty Games
Degree of Familiarity: I mean, I've played D&D and that's all this really is
Books Required: Just the one

FantasyCraft is yet another D&D clone. Same assumptions both as far as game design (roll to hit the thing, you've got attributes, they have scores which give you modifiers, ho hum), and same weird self-satisfied tone that it's not D&D. Yawn.

However, I will say this. It sets out from the jump to be a high-fantasy RPG toolkit, and then it gives you some tools. Sure, there's nothing in here that's really innovative as far as world-building goes; it's not like Spark or Fate or any of the zillions of indie games like Questlandia that make collaborative world design part of the process. It's very GM-as-creator focused, but it's very thorough in what it asks the GM to consider, and in listing permutations and examples. The discussion of alignment in particular I think is nice; it starts off stating that alignment is only there if you want it to be, but if you are gonna use it, have it mean something. It also gives you different axes along which to consider alignment, rather than the bog-standard order/chaos or good/evil, and I think that's cool. 

So would I ever run it? I mean, probably not, if I want to build a setting I know how to do that and there are systems I'd rather play with (and frankly if I'm building a setting from ground up I want to involve my players, both so I don't have to info-dump and because those collaborations are fun). But this is a lot more useful and a lot less wanky than many of the D&D clones out.

Since I don't have a setting, of course, I'll just stick to the usual high fantasy assumptions (though, side note, I've been watching The Legend of Vox Machina of late and comparing/contrasting with the Dragon Age Netflix show, and it's interesting to me how well both shows take a setting that could be anybody's D&D game and make the world feel alive and unique). So let's make a character! Or should I say...craft a character! 

The crafting steps

Step 0 is concept, and since this system is point-buy rather than random, a concept actually is applicable. Let's again to turn to music for inspiration: 

For no better reason than it was what was playing in my car when I went to go move it. "All These Things I've Done" is an interesting song, and the bit that gets stuck in my head is "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier." The other line I really like is the first one: "When there's nowhere left to run/Is there room for one more son?" I think there's a lot of fantasy character potential there. So let's say my character was a refugee, found as a baby (or a child, anyway) after his village had been burned. He was taken in by some kindly folks in another town, and has since grown up, and has always kind of felt like a fifth wheel because these folks have kids of their own, y'know? 

So with that kind of sad origin story in mind, I'll reserve other choices for later in the process (race, for instance). What's next!?

Attributes, of course. It's the standard list, and I get 36 points to buy my scores. But it's not one-for-one, UGGGGHHH. 

OK, well, let's think about this. I picture this character being strong, so I think I want Strength and Con to be his highest ones. I never like making Cha a dump stat - actually I think his Wisdom can be low because I seem him being somewhat gullible. So let's set it up thusly:

Str 16
Dex 12
Con 16
Int 10
Wis 8
Cha 10

Can I make that work? That's...holy shit, exactly 36 points. I'm a genius. 

Next step is Origin, in which I am asked to choose a Species and a Specialty that combine to make my particular, well, origin. Let's see now.

Well, I definitely want a non-human race, but I don't think my concept really works with Saurian or Drake. Pech (basically halflings) aren't threatening, and I want my character to be a little scary to his adopted parents. That basically makes it orc, ogre, or giant. Let's do giant. 

Relevant giant stuff

Specialty! Let's say he's a warden. I like the idea of him guarding his community from the fringes, and it fits with having soul but not being a soldier, I think. 

I get to pick two skills to be Origin Skills. I'll pick Notice and Survival, those seem pretty Warden-y.

Next, career level. Let's assume I'm level 1. My Action dice at d4, I get 3, my max Skill rank is 4, and I get a bonus Feat. 

Next, class! (Man, lots of intersecting categories, which I don't mind, but it's a lot to keep track.) Since I'm level 1 I get a Base Class; if I leveled up to 5 I'd get an Expert Class, and so on (hey, Shadow of the Demon Lord). 

Hrm. Wisdom is a favored Attribute for just about all of these, looks like I picked the wrong dump stat. You know what, I'm gonna swap Intelligence and Wisdom, just so I don't get hosed on Notice checks and whatnot. And I'll double down and take Scout as my class. 

That means I get 20 Skill points (6 + Int mod, which for me is -1, x 4 at 1st level), which I can only spend on Class Skills. Presumably I can spend them on Origin Skills, but both of mine Origins Skills are also Class Skills, so it's moot. I can only buy 4 ranks in Skills to start, so let's do it this way:

Athletics 4
Blend 2
Medicine 2
Notice 4
Resolve 2
Sneak 2
Survival 4

That's 20!

I get 4 Proficiencies; I get Hurled because I'm a giant. I'll also take Unarmed, Blunt, and Bows, and then I'll spend my last one for Forte in Unarmed. 

OK, Feats, then. I get one Pathfinder Feat from my Specialty, which means I pick a terrain. Let's take Plains, which gives me a +2 to Notice checks. I get a free one from Career, so I'll take Wrestling Basics (requires Unarmed forte, which hey, I have). 

Next step (which is 7) is Interests. Interests include languages, alignments, and "Studies" (just generally things that the character is interested in). 

Let's assume, for purposes of this exercise, that this campaign doesn't include alignments. We'll say my Giant speaks Common, and then I get two Studies. I'll take Local History and Heraldry - he's interested in families and how they're put together, since his is a little weird.

Step 8 is "fill in everything else on the sheet", so just a moment. Oh, I need a name, of course, and a description, but let's look at numbers real quick. How do you figure Defense? Does the fact that I'm a giant give me a modifier? It doesn't say it does in the Giant write-up, so let's assume not. That gives me Defense of 11, or 12 against adjacent opponents (thanks to Wrestling). 

Step 9 is gear, but y'know, I often skip that step. I should at least look, though. Ok, there's coin in hand (100 silver in my case) and Lifestyle, which gets split between Panache and Prudence, but is 0 in my case because I don't get any modifiers.

So, cool, that's it, because I don't feel like spending silver. Let's just assume my giant has rugged clothes for wardening/scouting, probably a club, and appropriate gear (flint & tinder, that kind of thing). 

The rest is silence details, so: Clay Knollsson was named after the clay-like ground he was found on, and that he was found on a knoll. His adoptive parents were apparently familiar enough with giant naming conventions that they gave him a giant-style patronym, but Clay has always felt like they could have given him their name, maybe in addition? (Their family name is Overhill, for the record.) Clay felt more and more as he grew up that his adoptive mother treated him like a beast of burden, but his adoptive father was always kind and loving, and his brothers and sisters were...kinda split on the issue. It was enough to make Clay feel just welcome enough to want to stay, but just awkward enough to become a warden.

Getting Clay into an adventuring party wouldn't be hard, I think; basically have him follow trouble in his area and slowly get further away until he realizes, like Samwise, that he's as far from home as he's ever been. Clay has the black hair characteristic of the giants in his area, but his eyes are emerald green, which would usually indicate forest giant extraction. Maybe his family history is more complicated than he knows. 

That'll do it! Not a bad setup but too many steps, methinks. 


Saturday, September 16, 2023

Character Creation: Toonpunk

Insert your favorite gif here of someone banging their head against a wall.

The Game: Toonpunk
The Publisher: Bendy Giraffe Games, but they seem to have vanished
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

Just going on the title, it sounds like we're doing something like Who Framed Roger Rabbitt? or Happytime Murders (but with toons rather than puppets) or, god help us, Cool World. And that's pretty cool - there's plenty of room to mine the happy aesthetic of cartoons for a violent or otherwise weird RPG (see also Cuphead). 

Long ago, in the before times, when I was gearing up to run Spark in order to review it (the review's still up, but I ain't linking to that fucking site, search it if you want), my group put together a setting we called "Toon Noir" which took inspiration from Who Framed etc etc but also Dontnod Entertainment's Remember Me. I never wrote up that setup anywhere online that I can find, and we never played it because that whole process got interrupted by a surprise baby (it was an exciting day), but every time I look at the sheet or file for Toonpunk I get a little excited because my brain remembers that setting. And then I actually start reading Toonpunk and make Patton Oswalt "DON'T WANT THIS" flail. But I have some time today so I'm gonna do the character.

OK, so. Here we go. 

Argh. 

This game has no setting. 

No, really

I did a search on the word "Doublearth" in the PDF. It's only ever mentioned in the context of "in the Doublearth, [this]". There's no setting info, there's not even much of an explanation of what the Doublearth is. Needless to say, the -punk suffix is not remotely earned. Anydang way. This game is basically a tactical Shadowrun/Cyberpunk clone; you do crimes. There are examples of play, but they're presented purely in the same of board game tactics, and the first one has the characters all getting gunned down because they didn't prep. This game sounds like a barrel of laughs, no wonder the company folded.

All right, let's get into this for reals this time. 

First step is "the idea," which is basically just "what do you want your character to be." Since it's cartoons, it can be basically anything, which is both freeing and completely unhelpful. Toon at least gave you random tables, IIRC. 

Looking ahead, the third stage of chargen should have been the first. It asks what type of cartoon you are, and while it's not really any better written than the rest of the book (siiiiinngiiiing..."If you don't know what a semicolon is, don't use it, oh, just don't use it..."), but the ideas here are pretty cool. Like, one of the options is "Shill."

This is pretty clearly a callback to the cartoons of the late 70s/early 80s, that is, the ones I grew up watching. And the idea of having Shaggy or Hefty Smurf or Man-At-Arms or Panthro or whoever suddenly come to life and have an existential crisis is the coolest idea I've seen in this book, so why isn't it the fucking focus of the game rather than a teaspoon of cool stirred into the boring-ass tactical board game soup? I don't know. 

But reading on, "Comic Man" is one of the ideas, and just to keep myself awake and interested I shall draw inspiration from the EC horror games (Tales from the Crypt, The Haunt of Fear, and so forth). There's some fascinating history there, but this ain't the place to get into it. Suffice to say that human beings transforming into monsters was always a staple. 

So there was one story I remember about an actor who found he was going deaf and was introduced to a Dr. Moreau type of person who transplanted the ears of a vampire bat. This had the effect of letting him hear his wife and her lover plotting to kill him (infidelity-driven murder was a big deal back then), but also transformed him into a blood-drinking bat-monster (here's the issue in question). So I'll play that guy, why not. Let's call him Harry "The Bat" Davis (named after the character in the story and the artist). 

Harry is your basic Man-Bat kind of thing; bit bat-like snout, sharp fangs, under-arm wings, thin brown fur, red beady eyes. He dresses in smart suits (where do the wings go? Don't worry about it) when he's not doing crimes. Why is he doing crimes? I mean, he drinks blood for sustenance. If you're already crime-ing, you might as well go whole-hog.

Attributes! These go from -1 to 10, there are 10 of them, and I get 36 points to spend. They all start at 0, but I can reduce them to -1 to get an extra point. 

Looking at them, I can tell I want decent scores in Stealth, Perception, Athletics, Murder, and maybe Acting (since Harry was an actor by trade). Hacking and Hardware can be low; Harry is very hands- (fangs) on. In fact, let's drop Hacking to -1 and leave Hardware at 0. I've got 37 points and 8 more to score.

Dividing these points up even would give me scores of 4 with 5 left over. I guess let's do that, because of the 8 remaining I don't want any of them to be lower than 4. I'll put two of my remaining points into Murder, and one each into Stealth, Perception, and Acting. That gives me:

Stealth 5
Perception 5
Athletics 4
Hacking -1
Hardware 0
Murder 6
Grit 4
Artistry 4
Acting 5
Nonsense 4

Next up, Specialties. These are just more specific skills. I get 10 points, and there are only three slots on the sheet so I guess I can only take three. 

Oh, goddammit. 

HAHAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I don't actually know
 

OK, I'm gonna take 5 in Mastermind and 5 in Psychopath. I hate them all, though.

Next section is "What are you", which is where the "what type of cartoon" question comes into play, but really this should have been first. I'm a Comic Man. This allows me to cast a single doodle each turn at no action cost, but all my doodles have doubled IP cost. I have no idea what any of that means.

The next couple of bits are equipment, but I hate shopping in RPGs on the best of days and I don't want to be in this game any longer, so I'm gonna say done. 

So: I think the role Harry The Bat could fill in a crime team in this stupid game is mostly stealth attack and planning, probably with a Malvolio-level snark to the whole thing (though he probably aspires to Iago or Edmund levels of evil genius). I described already, that's that, done and done.

Also this sheet design is hot garbage


Friday, September 15, 2023

Movie #752: Double Impact

Double Impact is another absurd action movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, and also stars Geoffrey Lewis, Alona Shaw, Alan Scarfe, Corinna Everson, Philip Chang, and Bolo Leung. 

The Wagners (Alan Armstrong and Sarah-Jane Varley) are brutally murdered on the night of the opening of the Victoria Harbour Tunnel. Their bodyguard Frankie (Lewis) rescues one of their twin sons (Chad), while a nanny (Wu Fong Lung) rescues the other (Alex). Chad grows up in France with Frankie, and Alex grows up with French nuns in Hong Kong, so fortunately their Belgian accents are explained in context (ah, close enough). 

Van Damme plays both twins, and god love him, he really does do his best to make them separate characters. Chad is pampered and privileged (but still a karate badass, obvs), while Alex is smuggler and running games on the streets of Hong Kong (but still a karate badass, obvs). They meet up 25 years later when...you know I'm actually not clear on what spurs Frankie to take Chad back to Hong Kong? But it's framed as a "reclaim your birthright, which is this tunnel" kind of situation, and the Triad boss Zhang (Chang) and the evil smarmy British bastard Griffin (Scarfe) are running drugs and gangs and they're the ones that had the Wagners shot, so...I don't know.

Anyway, Alex' girlfriend Danielle (Shaw) mistakes Chad for him and grabs his dick, which kicks off the main conflict between the brothers and culminates in Alex getting very drunk, imagining his brother banging Danielle in entirely too much detail (one assumes it was to have a sex scene between Van Damme and Shaw), smacks both of them around, and that little detail is just completely overlooked when they all reconcile after gunning down a bunch of Triad in the climax on a boat.

We also get a nice rematch between Van Damme and Leung (he played main evil guy Chong Li in Bloodsport), and hey, even an evil lesbian (Everson)! This movie has something for everyone!

Look, it's not all bad. I joke about them both being karate badasses, but the Wagner brothers' fighting styles are actually pretty distinct - Chad's is more classic Van Damme, very kicky, while Alex is more of a street fighter and much more willing to use guns. The camera work to have them both in the same room is pretty smooth, for the most part (which unfortunately makes the scene where they're sitting next to each other really jarring in how bad it looks). The plot doesn't make a great deal of sense - why on Earth did Frankie not go to the American or British embassy after the murders? Why did he never try to find Alex? If he did, why did that not get even a single line of dialog? But whatever, twice the Van Damme!

The supporting cast is...actually pretty weak. Lewis yells a lot. Shaw meekly follows orders. Everson is all the wrong kinds of queer-coded. The one who has the most chemistry with Van Damme is really Leung, and that makes sense, they have some history together.

As far as one actor playing twins goes, this doesn't really measure up to Twin Dragons (or The Social Network, for that matter), but it has a few moments.

My Grade: D+
Rewatch Value: Medium-low

Next up: John Wick Chapter 4

Thursday, September 14, 2023

Wicked Ones: Let the Goblymics Begin!

Very low key session. Here's last time.

Our "heroes" are at Breaker's Bridge, which is held by two factions of goblins. The goblins from the east side of the river (the "Swimmy Boys") have evolved webbed fingers and long limbs for swimming, while the west-side goblins ("Squeezy Boys") have softer bones and dark-vision for living in caves. The Wicked Ones have set up a series of games for the goblins, as part of their ongoing attempts to consolidate power around the Sepulcher of Suffering.

Starting out, we have the Slime Climb - two facing walls and goblins get slime from the Sepulcher dumped on them. Fnort is acting as referee with his kobold guards, and Baldruf is acting in a more "stage manager" kind of capacity, making sure the games flow together nicely. 'Ashe'irashe is in the stands with the Grand Goblins, Xorx of the Swimmy Boys and Zahbosb of the Squeezy Boys, watching everything like a debauched snake-like Roman emperor. 

The Slime Climb isn't judged, it's just to get everyone in the mood. The next event, however, puts all of the goblins in the river. They have to swim around some chicken-shaped buoys and avoid going over the falls. Obviously, the Swimmy Boys win this one. 

But lo! The next event favors the Squeezy Boys - each side has to squeeze as many goblins as possible through giant tubes that the Wicked Ones brought with them (better not to ask what they are). The Squeezy Boys absolutely do better, but it's too close to call, and 'Ashe'irashe isn't paying attention to the rules and calls it for the Swimmy Boys. This angers the west-siders, and things look pretty tense for a moment, but Fnort and his boys keep everything separate and direct focus back to the games.

And indeed, the next game is extra fun! It's the grog-race, where all the competitors do laps and whenever they reach the starting point they chug some grog. Again, it's close, but the west-siders manage to hold their liquor a little better and win the day.

With everyone very drunk, we move on to the Condiment Wrestling! The Wicked Ones take the barrels of sauces they initially used for their unsuccessful entreaty of alliance with Briggon's Notch (here), douse the goblins in them, and have them wrestle. 

This is all going well, but then Baldruf notices a bear emerge from the underbrush and head towards a goblin, licking its chops. Baldruf spots one of Fnort's kobolds snoozing by a barrel of grog, and wakes him up and tells him the bear is coming for his grog! The kobold takes the bait, but calls his buddies to come with him! This has the potential to go badly, but the kobolds actually work together and drive the bear back into the wilderness (Fnort is so proud). 

Back to the Condiment Wrestling: Through BBQ sauce, mayo, and salsa, the Swimmy Boys manage to eke out a victory. Meanwhile, 'Ashe'irashe talks with Xorx and Zahbosb about ongoing alliance and having these games monthly. The problem is that they pretty much only agree on never agreeing with each other, but they both eye the Gem of Arak and wish to handle it. 'Ashe allows them to play catch with it while he employs some devilish logic trickery (on the level of "DUCK SEASON!" "RABBIT SEASON!"), and confused them into agreeing with each other ("We have an accord...now gimme back that gem.").

This leads into the final event: The Chicken Triathlon of the Dark Three! It's split into three games. In the first, dedicated to Zaheen, the Dancing Madman, involves chasing and catching chickens (while still doused in condiments). But there aren't enough chickens to go around, so you need to catch chickens quickly.

The second game, dedicated to Dalgeth, the Grumbling Malcontent, involves coaxing the chickens into the batter. You can't pick them up or drive them, you have to lead them or trick them into their own doom. 

And finally, the third game is dedicated to Nezame, the Joyful Hedonist - the goblins have to eat their now-cooked chickens one bite, like ortolans. The crunching and slurping is deafening! 

The goblins complete the games, and the Swimmy-Boys are declared winners of the Goblin Cup. The tribes have agreed to hold these games every moon, however, so the Squeezy Boys will get their revenge! ("Man, we'll need to find some new chicken suppliers.")

As the Wicked Ones head home, they do not notice the bear following them...and then changing into a human form. A druid wanderer now knows where they live...

Back at the Sepulcher, the Wicked Ones rest up and do some work on the dungeon, starting to build new traps and stairways and just generally make things a little harder for invaders. They meet in the Scriptorium and determine their next move. They decide they'd like to put something in the Reliquary to capitalize on the place's power, and Fnort comes up with a brilliant idea - they'll go to the Highvale Aerie and steal a griffon egg! It's going to be griffon mating season soon, and that means the human tenders will be bringing in barrels of supplies (don't ask), which gives them a way in.

It'll be dangerous, of course, but 'Ashe'irashe licks his chops (do snakes have chops?) at the thought of roast suckling griffon. Next time, into the forest!

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

Movie #751: Death Warrant

Death Warrant is an action movie that's so 90s it hurts. Written by David Goyer in his first produced screenplay (and lordy but it shows), it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme (yes, I bought a 3-disc set recently), Cynthia Gibb, Patrick Kilpatrick, Robert Guillame, George Dickerson, Art LaFleur, Abdul Salaam El-Razzac, and Conrad Dunn. 

Louis Burke (Van Damme) is a Mountie who's helping out in Los Angeles with the investigation of scary serial killer "the Sandman" (Kilpatrick), a killer who stalks his victims...while wearing a bathrobe and pajamas, I guess? Anyway, Sandman killed Burke's partner, so it's Personal. Sandman stabs him, Burke shoots him repeatedly, and then we forget about Sandman for 3/4 of the movie. 

So then Burke gets assigned to go undercover in prison because inmates are getting killed, and the best way to investigate this that the DA (George Dickerson) can think of is to send one dude in there with no support from the prison, because they're probably corrupt as hell. But then it turns out the DA is in on the whole thing because he's working with the prison doctor (Armin Shimmerman) to sell prisoners' organs, so it seems like he could have sabotaged things more effectively? Anyway, his assistant Amanda (Gibb) winds up as Burke's lover/sidekick, so of course the truth comes out, BUT WAIT the DA has the Sandman transferred in and then the whole thing goes cuckoo, Sandman immediately takes over the place and orders other prisoners around because I guess serial killers are just that cool, but he fights Sandman in single combat and impales his stupid head on a bolt and then is allowed to walk right out, despite the fact that he aided and abetted prisoners in killing guards. But it's OK, because they were bad guys.

Look, this movie is fucking stupid, but we don't watch such movies for their intricate character studies or plots. It's 90s action to a simplistic, ridiculous degree, a young screenwriter ticking the boxes and injecting just enough well-written moments to get the movie made. Who's the partner that Burke lost? Was Sandman in Canada and fled to LA? Why is Burke a martial arts expert? Why do the guards throw Burke in solitary and then give him a conjugal visit, other than to give us a very brief snog scene with Van Damme and Gibb? Don't worry about it. Spinny kick! 

The trailer for the movie is the Platonic ideal of "crappy 90s action movie", and the whole thing is good for brain candy. Burke as a character is pretty bland (Van Damme has turned in better performances, though of course that's relative). Robert Guillame slums as the Magical Negro mentor for Burke (he isn't actually magical, though Priest, played by Al-Razzac, almost is), and Art Lafleur gets to glower menacingly. Kilpatrick chews scenery like some kind of scenery tiger, and he's kind of wasted, honestly, because if you're gonna have a serial killer that wears pajamas it feels like you should dig into his methodology a little. But that's not what kind of movie this is, this is about Van Damme flexing and yelling "COME ONNNNN!" and then taking an obviously foam rubber wrench to the head.

My Grade: D-
Rewatch Value: Medium-high

Next up: Double Impact