Movie #651: Secretary

Secretary is an erotic drama starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, James Spader, Jeremy Davies, Stephen McHattie, and Lesley Ann Warren.

Lee (Gyllenhaal) gets out of a mental institution and rejoins her rather dysfunctional family, and almost immediately starts self-harming again. In an attempt to have some kind of life, she takes a job as a secretary for a lawyer named Edward Grey (Spader), and while he's pretty intense and rather weird, things go pretty well...

...until one day he bends her over a desk, forces her to stare at a typo she made, and spanks her. (There's actually a bit of D/s foreplay that comes before this, but that's the big intense moment.)

The movie follows rom-com patterns in some ways; girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl leaves other boy (Davies) at the altar to get first boy back, but the central conflict here is less about Lee and her awakening and more about Grey and his repression. He finds his own urges disgusting and that leads him to reject Lee and, frankly, do some pretty awful things, before Lee finally breaks through to him and they settle into a life that allows them both to be who they are.

It didn't occur to me until I watched the movie this time that it's about a young, naive woman who goes to work for a rich(er) fellow named Grey who is into BDSM, and note that this came out years before Fifty Shades of Grey. Coincidence? Probably, but who knows (and I haven't read the short story on which Secretary is based). It's tempting to say that this movie portrays BDSM more accurately, and maybe that's true in some ways, but I think it's fairer to say that it portrays how BDSM can go wrong more accurately and why communication is so important. In fact, the only bit of the movie that I really dislike is how Lee's erstwhile boyfriend/fiance, Peter, is treated. She leaves him at the altar, and he finds her sitting at her boss's desk wearing her wedding dress, refusing to leave. One can forgive him for being a bit confused, and I really wanted Lee to, if not be kinder to him, at least apologize later.

Performances make the movie. Spader is, as usual, deliberate and captivating in his portrayal of Grey. Gyllenhaal goes from mousy and damaged to sexy and less damaged, and I really appreciated that when she and Grey break up, she goes looking for other doms rather than repressing herself or self-harming again. 

The movie's final sequence: Grey leaving for work and Lee staying behind in their nice suburban house, with the neighborhood kids playing in the street and everything looking very cozy, pulling in to Lee who turns and stares into the camera for a beat, raises some questions. Michelle's interpretation was that Lee was getting bored, or at least restless, with their arrangement (let's be honest, Lee is very much into topping from the bottom). Mine was that Lee was saying "our life is as normal as yours, we live among you." 

My Grade: A-
Rewatch Value: Medium-low

Next up: Sense & Sensibility

Slipstream: The Early Bird Gets the Wormtongue

Here's last time! Squawk! 

Our heroes stand before the throne of King Throx of Avia. Their compatriots amongst the Bird-Men, Captain Scrawk and his soldiers, are outside engaging the black-feather Bird-Men loyal to Prince Craw. And indeed, Prince Craw is here, whispering in his father's eye like a serpent. 

Iris has seen King Throx before, though never met him. She notes that he's thin and pale, a shadow of his former self. The royals are defended by three well-armed Bird-Men bodyguards, and the characters have only themselves and Whoot, the guard that defended them during the last session. 

Iris charges forward and gives her battle cry, and the soldiers attack while Craw hangs back and guards his father. Iris fights with the bodyguards, as does Whoot, while Zeenia sneaks past (invisible!) and tries to get to the king. Oola, having recently developed tech that lets her turn invisible, does so and tries to sneak through the guards - but one spots her. "Invisible! They're invisible!" he cries, and blasts at her with his ray gun. Oola just creeps up and puts him to sleep. 

Zeenia, meanwhile, slips past Craw and tackles Throx, knocking the crown from his head. Unfortunately, the crown that's causing the trouble is on the Prince's head, not the King's (Zeenia just misheard this info during the planning stages). Craw spots her and flies in to the attack!

And then suddenly, the whole floor tilts. Oola and Iris keep their footing, and they continue the battle. Iris runs one of the guards through and charges forward, but Whoot takes some wounds and falls. The sleeping guard...continues sleeping. 

Zeenia battles the Prince, Iris joins, and Oola runs up and tries to yank the crown off, but Craw is too fast. The floor shifts again and people switch targets - Iris engages Craw, and steps back to shoot at him rather than swordfight (since he's clearly the stronger fighter). The sleeping guard awakens and flies in to attack Oola, and the other guard stabs into Zeenia's gelatinous body and pierces her water tank. She crumbles, gasping for breath, and then the floor shifts again, dumping her off the platform to a 500 foot drop!

But all is not lost! Whoot recovers and fires at Craw, stunning him, and Iris follows up with another shot that drops the Prince. He falls dead, and his crown rolls off his head. The king stands straighter, and the remaining guards flee just as Captain Scrawk and company enter the hall!

Zeenia is retrieved and healed, and the heroes are given the king's thanks. Captain Scrawk tells them that Prince Boolar is being sent to die in a mine on Radios, but getting to him would require breaching the Barrier, and no one knows how to do that without being blown up by Queen Anathraxa's warships. The king tells the heroes that if they return Boolar to him, their names will be sung along with Avia's greatest heroes and they will earn his respect and a showering of kingly gifts. The heroes, of course, are in. 

Captain Scrawk gives them some money and weapons, and tells them that Whoot will accompany them as a bodyguard and messenger. When they have news, they're to drop him on a hi-tech fragment so he can get home and inform the king. For now, though, they need to find a way to do the impossible - breach the evil Queen's Barrier!

Chill: Put Daddy Down

Today we ended a case! Here's last time.

Blake awakens at the ranch, with a big Flintstone lump on the side of his head (as the Fresh Prince once said). He gets up and walks around the house, but doesn't see anyone - no Dee, no Darnell, no one. He goes downstairs and finds Carla, Willa's grandmother, in the living room watching TV. He asks if she's seen anyone, but she hasn't, not even the dog (Sweet Baby Jesus) in a while. He gets them some sandwiches, and then texts the others. 

The others, meantime, are at the storage unit where they saved Hilary (Willa's mom) from hanging. Blake doesn't seem to have any issues, so they decide to head back to the ranch. Melinda, unfortunately, has somewhere to be, so she goes off on her own.

At the ranch, though, Blake is very much having issues. He goes outside to look around, but feels so confused that he can't make the phone work. He goes back into the house, and once he gets into the living room his head clears. He texts Darnell and gets back a bunch of gobbledegook - "lkn 4 dag bbr". He tries to call Dee but gets her voicemail. 

Blake goes and looks around the house, but doesn't see anything amiss. He goes back to the living room and Carla is gone, but he finds her on the porch smoking. They chat for a moment, and then something unseen strikes her, knocking her backwards. Blood gushes from her face and her head strikes the porch. Blake stands up and tries to protect her, and Douglas appears in front him and tells him to move. He refuses, and Douglas punches him and knocks him down. Blake gathers his wits and activates the Quicken discipline, and pulls Carla into the living room. Douglas appears outside the door and snarls in rage, but can't get in (Blake doesn't know it, but the living room is still warded).

As this is happening, the other folks are driving up the road to the ranch (specifically, Father Will is driving). Something jumps out into the road and Father Will hits the brakes, but not fast enough. They get out of the car and realize that Ruth (Dee's niece) has been hit, and is on the ground unconscious. Jordan snaps into EMT mode and starts working on Ruth. 

Darnell then steps out of the woods and tries to explain or help, but can't seem to get his thoughts together. Jordan uses Mental Shield on him and his head clears, and he tells them that the four of them that were at the ranch (Dee, Ruth, Jeanie, and Darnell) left it to chase the dog. They got separated in the woods. Realizing that something bad is happening, they get Ruth into the car and head up to the ranch. 

They pull up to the front door and start taking Ruth into the house. Jordan spots blood on the steps and calls out to Blake, but then the bottom step shatters. Jordan keeps her footing and Willa grabs Ruth. She activates Eyes of the Dead and doesn't see anything, but feels Douglas behind her. She looks behind her and sees Douglas there. He tells her to "bring the bitch out." She refuses, and he gestures at her, rendering her blind and deaf. 

Willa yells that her father is here, and Beth Anne activates her Eyes of the Dead. Seeing Douglas, she leaps onto the porch and socks him (Astral Attack!) knocking him backwards. Father Will tries to get into the living room to help out, but his feet stop working and he falls. He crawls in and regains his footing, and Jordan, finally having had enough, activates Sphere of Protection. 

Willa's sight and hearing come back, but she doesn't follow Jordan into the living room. Instead, she staggers out off the porch and uses Voice of the Dead, drawing her father's ghost into her. Beth Anne looks on, ready to punch again. 

"Let me have her," Douglas growls. 

"Not gonna happen," she responds. 

"I don't want to hurt you," he says. "I just want her."

"She's changed," says Willa. "She's different now."

"Doesn't matter," he retorts. "You wouldn't understand. You're still alive."

Willa realizes that her father has changed. Before when she channeled his ghost, he didn't really want to move on - he wanted her to hurt and grovel, but that was really it. But now he wants to hurt Carla, and that's really all he wants. Willa isn't at all ready to let that happen, though (partially because she's pretty sure Carla won't survive it), so she says "You can take it out on me."

Willa and Beth Anne suddenly feel the world spinning and then blacking out, much like being entirely too drunk. They both collapse, and the windows on the front of the house break. Father Will looks outside and see them lying on the ground, and Jordan hands over triage to Darnell and goes out to help them. They regain consciousness, and Willa uses Voice of the Dead again - but her father doesn't respond. "I think he's gone," she says.

"Gone for now or gone-gone?" asks Beth Anne.

"I think gone-gone."

The others help Beth Anne and Willa into the ranch. Blake notices their breath smells like cheap whiskey.

Movie #650: Black Widow

Black Widow is the...I dunno, millionth? movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and stars Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, Rachel Weisz, David Harbour, Ray Winstone, O-T Fagbenle, and Olga Kurylenko.

Much of the movie takes place shortly after the events of Captain America: Civil War, when Natasha Romanoff (Johansson) is on the run from...whatever branch of international law enforcement General Ross (William Hurt) works for. She evades him because he's a fuckin' chump, picks up a trailer in Norway from her homie Mason (Fagbenle), and promptly takes possession of some mysterious red junk that undoes Red Room mind control, courtesy of her sister Yelena (Pugh). Sorting this all out reveals the truth behind the "Dreykov's daughter" lines from waaaaaay back in Avengers, as Dreykov (Winstone) is revealed to be the sadistic fucker behind the Red Room. 

The trick, of course, is that Natasha's "mother" Melina (Weisz) is the scientist that came up with the mind control, and her "father" Alexei (Harbour) is the super-powered muscle he used to employ. She and Yelena recruit them both to take on Dreykov's flying fortress and his deadly, superpowered daughter Antonia (Kurlyenko), now known as Taskmaster. 

I freely admit I was not expecting to enjoy this movie as much as I did. That's nothing to do with anyone involved. I was just afraid it wasn't going to be engaging because we know the future - obviously Natasha survives because she dies in Endgame. Obviously she's going to take down the Red Room because it's not a factor in future stories. But what I wasn't expecting was for the movie to focus as much on Yelena as it did, nor to focus on Natasha's erstwhile family and her past while still keeping the emphasis on the "now" of the movie. Taskmaster turning out to be Antonia was also a nice move.

The cast is fantastic, especially Pugh as Yelena. I think Black Widow as a character kind of suffered from being brought into the MCU when and how she was - way back in Iron Man 2, and being so strongly associated with SHIELD that after SHIELD fell (and after Joss Whedon's handling of the character in both Avengers movies) she never really had a chance to become as strong a character as she should have. I think Yelena Belova has the potential to carry a movie much sooner than Natasha did, and I hope she does because she's a lot of fun to watch.

The other thing about this movie is that the fight scenes have some real crunch to them. The fight choreography was clearly trying to convey different themes in different scenes, from the messy apartment fight where the sisters reunite to the fast, efficient fight between Taskmaster and Natasha. Sure, Natasha takes enough damage that she absolutely should be dead, but whatever, it's a comic book movie. 

This is a movie that could have been a lot more bland, or even insulting, than it was, in the hands of a director that didn't have the same sensibilities as Cate Shortland. To wit, Alexei's line asking Yelena if she's on her period was in the script. Her response, where she bears down and points out that she doesn't get a period because she was sterilized without her consent, is perfect because it doesn't let Alexei or the audience off easy. I could have done with a lot more of that in the movie generally, but I think it all came together well. 

Also, the meme with young Natasha (Ever Anderson) asking to go back home and snarkily saying that no one would ask to go back to Ohio can go fuck itself, thanks.

My Grade: A-
Rewatch Value: Medium-high

Next up: Secretary

Character Creation: Obolites, Sausages + Raccoons

Or something. 

The Game: Oubliettes, Sorcery, & Reavers
The Publisher: The Rune^Forge
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

Well, yes, obviously it's a forced acronym (OSR), but at least they included the Oxford comma. Anyway, OS+R is a fantasy game that really doesn't have a lot of setting to it. There seems to be quiet a bit of passion behind it, but it's all in the GMing philosophy (rulings not rules, blah blah). I don't have a lot of interest in OSR generally, but I admit it's not a well I've fallen down. 

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised at how quick the book was to read. That's what happens when you don't have a setting, I s'pose, but still. I guess it's not fair to say there's no setting, since there's some page count devoted to deities and the races have funny names and all. 

Well, let's do this. 

Step one, gather ye rosebuds while ye may your ideas into a loose concept. There are playable giants in this game (they're not, like, 80-foot things, they're NBA player sized), and I kinda like them. I also want to make a mage, since I went to all the trouble of printing the grimoire sheet, so let's make a mage-giant. Conceptually...I dunno beyond that. I'll need to reread the race write-up and see what else this suggests, if anything. 

Step two, apply Attribute mods. The game makes some noise about how it's just the mods, rather than the ability scores that translate to the mods, and like, yeah, that's cool and all. So my array is 2, 1, 1, 0, 0. -1. Hmm. What do I need to cast spells? Int and Cha, doy. Well, I'll put the -1 into Dexterity because it doesn't matter if this character is, strictly speaking, viable. I'll put the +2 into Int, my +1s into Cha and Str, and Wis and Con get 0. Cool, on we go. 

Step three is to note my race and all the "Benfits" and Drawbacks. At least it's spelled right on the sheet. What Benfits do I get? Well, I get a free +1 in Str or Int, that's cool. Think I'll put it in Int, just to make myself as Mage-y as possible. I also get to cast the Sense spell innately, but only for auras. As far as Drawbacks, I attack small targets with Hindrance, and I can't have (or at least I can't start with) Expertise in Dexterity. Sounds good so far. 

Now, class! There's only three, Warrior, Jack, and Mage (though Warrior has a bunch of sub-types). I know I want to be a Mage. So that means I basically can't wear armor (I can, but it means I get Hindrance on everything), I get Expertise in one weapon, I get Attribute Expertise in Intelligence or Charisma (maybe and? I need to look it up), I get Leverage on all tests to resist magic (that's cool, mages should be a little more resistant to spells), and I can do little non-damaging magic effects. 

Let's look up this Expertise thing. Oh, this is simple enough; I have Expertise in two Attributes (and, not or) and so I add a d4 to my d20 when I roll those Attributes. Cool. I'm also supposed to name my giant at this point. Looking at the race write-up, giants tend to dress skimpily to show off their tattoos, which tell their life stories. That's pretty dope. I also need to choose if he's a Steppe giant or Lodge giant (is this defined anywhere? Not really). Well, let's say he's a Lodge giant, because I want him a little more acquainted with civilization. His tattoos start on his feet and hands, and work up his shins and wrists, the idea being that as his story continues they'll continue inward until his last tattoo will go over his heart. 

No guidance on naming conventions, so I'll name him Craunagh. That seems like enough letters for a fantasy name. 

Now I need a Birth Auger (sign, basically). This is random, so I need some percentile dice. 12 gives me...the Scales! I can add +2 to any Attributes (up to 2), once a day. That's pretty cool. Doesn't say how long it lasts, but whatever. 

Pick gear. Sure. Actually, this game has a setup kinda similar to Blue Rose in that you get a set of gear rather than spending money (though that's an option too). I'll give Craunagh a Research Kit (ink, paper, lamp, oil, almanac). I get a weapon (close or ranged) and technically armor, but I ain't gonna take that. I think I'll take a mace, just because it's not a weapon you see a mage carrying much (and because the notes say you can throw it and I think that would look cool). I get 13 coin (a d12 + my CHA and I rolled well). 

HP, Composure, Defense, and so on. I guess I start with 4 HP, because my class die is a d4? It's not well explained. Composure is a d6 plus either my Int, Cha, or Wis modifier, and I'll take Int, thanks. Rolled a 5, that gives me 8. Defense is a -1 (Dexterity mod), but if I were using a spell to change it it'd be different, and again, it's not explained especially well. I guess using examples is against the OSR philosophy. 

Languages...holy cats. I speak High Giant, Giant, Dwarven, and Trade, and then I pick two, and then I pick three more. That's...a lot. So basically there's only one on the list I don't speak, and we'll say that's Eldrym, the elf-language. 

Motivations! This is a four-pronged thing: Seeks is goals, Covets is innermost desire, Devoted is to whom I'm loyal, and Foible is something that makes me vulnerable. So what makes Craunagh tick? 

Well, I'll say that he seeks a glorious heart Hruswar (that's the tattoo thingie). He covets magical knowledge and power. He is devoted to himself and his legacy, and his foible is that he can't abide being called a liar (that shit gets you a mace in the bonce, friend). 

I think that's everything on the first sheet, so let's turn to magic! I start with 4 First Order spells plus my Int modifier, so that's 7 spells. I start with a single Focus, which is just a consumable thingie that I can use in a few different ways to help me cast. Mostly this is just picking spells, so let's do that. 

Well, Arcane Strike is nicely general. Strikes one target and does damage ignoring DR. I'll say that Craunagh's fingers ooze black smoke, which rots a target's flesh (it's a Fell Weave spell, it's supposed to be nasty). 

Bar the Way magically locks things, that's cool. I think glowy writing similar to his Hruswar appears over the door. Decipher lets him read things (which, like, he's a pretty good polyglot anyway). Glowy eyes? Sure. Divination lets him ask his shadow a yes/no question. I figure his shadow's eyes glow along with his when he uses this spell. Shield is your basic damage absorby spell, so maybe his tattoos glow (as he gets more tattoos and his magic gets stronger, this would continue to look cooler). Slumber, puts things to sleep (doy), back to the black smoke, except this smoke smells sweet. 

I get one more spell, but the sheet only has six slots. I figure that last one I'll take Illuminate. A basic light spell is always a good idea. 

And that's about it! Craunagh is about 7 feet tall (about average for his people). He's got deep purple/indigo hair and light yellow eyes, and his face is a resting sneer. He's pretty haughty for a dude with 4HP, but what are you gonna do. 

Cairn: Caravan Massacre

Here's last time! This is this time! That's a crappy sentence, but I don't care!

A few weeks have passed since the Traveling Knights helped Ashfeather recover from being Dire, and now it's summer. In fact, it's just a few days before Highsummer, the longest day of the year. The nocturnal Traveling Knights wake up, but Ratatosk is heading to bed. There's a knock at his door, and he opens it to find a mouse there. He recognizes the mouse as an assistant to the Lord Mayor. The mouse tells Ratatosk that the Lord Mayor wants to talk to the Knights, but they need to stay quiet. Someone has been hurt, and Brownberry doesn't want to cause a panic.

The Knights get rounded up and brought to the Town Hall, and are led in to a small room. There's a mouse in a bed, obviously badly hurt - bandages on his arms and legs, and a large chunk of his ear is missing. Keeble Brownberry introduces him as Porrel Brownberry, his cousin. Porrel was on a caravan from the farms to the south near Goblin's Glen, when the caravan was attacked by goblins.

Porrel tells his story with quavering voice. The goblins, riding daggertusks, smashed through the caravan and killed everyone else. He says that he saw a daggertusk devour one of the other Favored on the caravans, and breaks down in tears.

Keeble instructs the Knights to go to the farms and speak to Hollan Dawnsong, the weasel manager. Find out if the goblins intend to go to war and what prompted this aggression. Rumdiggle points out that these goblins might just have been starving; maybe they just wanted the food. Keeble doesn't think that's likely, but admits the possibility. 

The Knights gear up and take a boat out of Cairn and down the coast. They disembark and find the attack site...and are pretty horrified. The wagons are still here, smashed beyond all recognition. Some of the food is still scattered around, rotting (which kind of puts the kibosh on the idea that the goblins were starving). Worst of all, there's a meerkat corpse tied to a tree. 

The Knights cut him down, and Russelet prepared the poor fellow for burial. The others look around, and Snootabur notes that there are no other bodies, but plenty of blood. They track the daggertusks south (but still no bodies), and Russelet spots a meerkat acting as sentry. He flies behind him, lands, and startles him. 

The meerkat (once he recovers from his shock) welcomes the characters and points them towards the farms. Ratatosk, though, notices that the hillock he's standing on has some kind of stone in it. He digs a bit and discovers that there's a tomb here, covered by years of dirt. There's a family crest carved into the tomb, and he recognizes the crest - Ebonblood. He hears fire and arrows being loosed, the sounds of battle, as though the past bleeds through.

Ratatosk explains this to the others, and Snootabur remembers that the Ebonblood family were weasels who were known as just and noble warriors. She knows them mostly from folklore and old songs, however. This apparently was the tomb of an Ebonblood, but Snootabur thought they were from Crystal Rock.

The Knights head south and pass through the farms, and see a bunch of mice, moles, meerkats, and a couple of hares plucking weeds and watering and so forth. They get into the center of "town" and wind up talking to Hollan Dawnsong. He, too, is sickened to learn about the caravan, but tells the characters that the goblins can't enter the farms - there's a mystical barrier that prevents it. He also insists that they leave their weapons in the longhouse while they're in town - only sentries are allowed to have weapons, and only on duty. The nocturnal folks need to get some sleep, at this point, so Ratatosk tries to talk to the farmers, but doesn't learn much. 

Sunset! The others wake up and join the farmers. There's a bonfire going and stew cooking, and a hare named Clover Shimmerbough is playing a lute and singing. Rummy recognizes the song; it's called "Don't Follow the Light." It's an upbeat enough tune, but the lyrics are pretty dark. Rummy realizes that the song originated here and it's about avoiding the goblins. 

Russelet listens to conversations and hears folks chatting about the tomb that Ratatosk found, and hears a couple of folks talking about a grave marker elsewhere in the grasslands. 

Snootabur scares up a mouse who can show them the border. They head to the marker, and Snootabur and Ratatosk examine it. It's got a crescent moon carved on it, but no other markings. Snootabur digs a bit but doesn't find a slab or anything. Russelet flies around and spots some torches out in the grasslands - goblins. Preparing an attack or just lurking? It's hard to know, and Russelet wisely decides against swooping down to look.

The mouse leads them northeast, walking the the border. They come to a wooden house, which their guide informs them is traditionally where the manager of the farms lives (so Hollan lives here now). They look around a bit; Ratatosk crawls under the house but doesn't find anything interesting. Snootabur peeks into the house and spots a box by the bed, fastened with a metal lock. The Knights talk about this a bit, and decide that breaking into Hollan's house the first night they're here probably isn't wise. 

Russelet takes to the sky and spots some goblins on the beach. Some of them are lurking in ambush, though, so the goblins are definitely ready to commit some violence. The Knights' guide tells them that the border extends past the nearby Greymantle Ruin, and they figure they should check that out, but not tonight. Ratatosk needs some sleep, and they want to make sure they have their weapons before they venture into a Titan city.

Slipstream: Zeenia, the Warrior Princess

I cannot believe it's taken us this long to make that joke. Anyway, here's last time. 

The heroes land on Avia, and are immediately directed to a particular landing site. They are met by a Bird-Man wearing fancy duds, who introduces himself as Twoot, a herald of King Throx. The heroes ask why the formal reception, but Twoot says that when royalty arrives, it's his job to know about it. The heroes ask if it would be possible for Princess Zeenia to meet, even briefly, with King Throx, and Twoot agrees. He radios for an escort, and presently two Bird-Men arrive. He instructs them that these folks should reach King Throx unharmed, which concerns Oola (was harm an issue?). Twoot says it's just a figure of speech.

The group of them set out, Zeenia driving her little scooter, until they reach a lattice of thinner branches, across which is a royal hall. The scooter won't make it, and Zeenia is unwilling to walk (heights are a recurring issue), so Twoot suggests the guards carry her. They pick her up, and they start picking their way across the branches. 

And suddenly, laser fire! The guards drop Zeenia, but lands deftly on the branches. A horde of black-feathered Bird-Men swoop down, their leader yelling "There they are! Dive, my Bird-Men!" And the battle is joined! 

The characters are badly outnumbered. The enemy Bird-Men swoop in and attack with swords. Iris fires at one of them and draws her sword, joins the the battle. Oola grabs Zeenia and carries her to the platform in front of the royal hall so that they're not in danger of plummeting. Zeenia flails with her tentacles, striking out at the enemies, but one of them wounds Oola. As they watch, the black-feathered Bird-Man kill one of the guards, and then two of them close in on Iris. She fights bravely, but they stab her, and she falls, disappearing into the greenery below.

Iris uses her telepathic device and mentally connects with Twoot (who's been hiding and remaining out of the action), and asks him to "HELP!" He snaps up and looks at her, stunned, and then takes off. 

Oola puts one of them to sleep and he plummets below (she's horrified at herself, but is protecting the Princess, and conquers her fear). The surviving guard flits around, parrying sword blows and leading the enemies away, and Zeenia, also surrounded, lashes out with her tentacle swarm. All of her tentacles (with vibro-blades, remember) strike true, and three of the attacks fall dead. 

And just then, a squadron of Bird-Man with white feathers arrive! They fly down in formation, led by a captain of the guard, and including Sennet Blackwing, Iris' buddy. They rout the surviving enemies, and when Sennet hears that Iris has been wounded, he flies down to retrieve her.

The captain introduces himself as Scrawk, and they all go into the royal hall and into an infirmary. There, Scrawk informs them that Prince Booler, the first son of King Throx, has been taken by Queen Anathraxa. His second son, Prince Craw, has poisoned Throx' mind somehow, and he's dismissed all of his loyal associates. The characters relate what they saw on Idunn (Craw's strange circlet), and Oola says that if she got close enough, she could probably disrupt the effect. At the very least, they could get the crown off.

Scrawk agrees, and offers his squad of royalists as a diversion so the heroes can get into the throne room. Any guards there, of course, the characters would have to handle. Oola has been working on a new invisibility device, and of course Zeenia can disappear by herself, so the characters have a plan. They sneak out of the hall, retrieve Zeenia's scooter, and fall back to Scrawk's hideout to rest, heal, and plan their rescue of King Throx.

Character Creation: H. P. Lovecraft Preparatory Academy (PDQ)

Weird game situation, this. 

The Game: H. P. Lovecraft Preparatory Academy
The Publisher: Third Eye Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one...this time!

So, the weird bit is that this game is published in three different systems: PDQ, Savage Worlds, and Pip. I got one in hard copy through the Kickstarter (I chose the PDQ version, for reasons I don't remember), and I have the other two in PDF. My usual rule is that different editions or versions of a game all merit their own character, because system changes a game, but before I started reading the game I was kinda waffling. I dunno, game about prep school kids going to a school inspired by the Mythos? Like, sure, but I have Candycreeps and so on, and Lovecraft-stuff is done to death. 

But the book is actually really good and fun to read. I have some niggles, but they're mostly the self-referential tone that the introduction takes. A pretty good example is that the opening fiction is titled "Obligatory Opening Fiction," and I skipped right by that, because if it's just the obligatory stuff why bother? (Speaking as someone who's written plenty of such fiction.) But then I wound up reading the interstitial chapter-header fiction and it was actually fun, and a really good depiction of the game and what might happen. 

Anyway, the game looks fun, so I'm gonna make characters for all three versions (but not today, one at a time), starting with the PDQ version. 

Step one is a concept. I want to make a character inspired by one of my favorite Futurama episodes, "Fry Am the Egg Man." The basic idea here is that the character is wholly in love with his extremely dangerous, kinda corrosive pet. I'm gonna call his concept "blinded by puppy love."

Step two is to choose a class, and I already know I want to be a Summoner since that'll give me access to a horrific pet creature. That means the Summoning Skill is an Ability for me, but all other Disturbing Skills (witchcraft, mutation, and so on) are just lore. That is, I can learn about them, but I can't do them. 

Speaking of skills, moving briskly along to step three! Skills get letter grades in this game, and I get one A, four Bs, two Ds (one of which has to be starred and is the thing I really suck at and can't ever get better), and everything else gets a C. My Disturbing Skill doesn't count here, this is just Mundane Skills. 

Well, right away I know I want my D with the star to go in Trash Talk. My character doesn't have a mean thing to say about anyone and never will. I think his other D can go in Delinquent, for similar reasons, but he could in theory learn to sneak a little better. 

Clearly Empathy needs to get a higher grade, and I'm thinking Family might get a B (which would give the character more resources). I think Phys Ed, too, just because I don't want him to be a little scrawny nerd - he's actually pretty sporty. He just loves his "dog." I'll put a B in Phys. Ed, a B in Scouts, and a B in Family. Only question is whether to put the A in Empathy or something else. I think I will, actually. His other B I'll put in First Aid. He seems like the sort of kid who might have taken a CPR class. I also get a B in Hobby. 

Next up, Specializations! Some Skills required Specializations, and if I have a B, I get two (an A would give me four, but Empathy is not such a skill). Actually, Hobby is the only such Skill I have, so I need two there. I'll take Animal Husbandry (his family raises chickens and...I dunno, maybe goats) and Nature Photography. 

(Occurs to me that the last character I made was into weird animals, too. Guess I'm spending a lot of my time with my dogs. They're pretty weird.)

I get a C in Eldritch Lore and Summoning, and now I get to design my Servitor. Fortunately there's a sheet for that, too! I'll say that my character found his little buddy as an egg in one of the chicken coops. It clearly wasn't a chicken egg (those don't tend to be green and kinda scaly), so he hatched it and discovered it was...a thing. Who knows! But he loves it and it loves him. 

Appearance: It moves like a quadruped, and is about the size of a dog, but it skitters up walls like a lizard. Scaly, paws with too many toes, dripping, mildly corrosive, whip-like tail, circular mouth like a lamprey. 

There's a chart with personality traits, but I kinda want "affectionate." I'll roll for another. "Shy." AW! Perfect! 

Another chart with syllables to give it a Lovecrafty-sounding name. Its name is M'ellurdy'orra. My character just calls it "Mel" or "Melly."

And now I need to build Mel's traits. Oh, wait, it can't be bigger than a cat since I've only got a C in Summoning. Well, Mel's young yet. He gets three Skills at B and then one Minor Power. For his Skills, I'll give him Lurk and Scuttle, and then I think I gotta give him Rend to give the acid some teeth (and possibly his teeth some acid). 

For the Minor Power...oh, man, there are a few. I think I gotta go with Wall-Crawler, though, so Mel can actually do the skitter-up-walls thing. 

Cool, that's it for Mel, now back to his "owner!" Next step is Motivation, and I think my guy really wants to Learn What Mel Really Is (that seems like a fact worth knowing...). That's actually probably why he's at this school, instead of at a vocational school or something. 

Sanity starts at 9, cool, cool. Movement is 7 (5 + Phys Ed mod, which is +2). Initiative mod is 0. 3 Merit points to start, $300 in starting allowance, and I'm a First Year (7th Grade). Dorm...hmm. If I were running this I'd probably let the group choose, but since it's just me I'll roll it. Barker Hall! Yeah, I'm slowly going nuts. 

Next two steps are for Bunkie and Mentor, and I'm gonna skip those because they're optional. Name...He feels like a Buckley to me. Chester Buckley, his parents call him Chet. He hates his first name and prefers it when folks call him Buck. 

Last thing is figuring what he packed (no weapons, not that Buck would do that). I think he's brought his camera, a flashlight (what do you mean you're not allowed to go into the woods after dark?), binoculars, and field notebooks (he gets them in packs of 12 because he fills them up, he loses them, Mel eats them, etc.). 

Buck is 13. He's on the tall side of average, he's got dirty blond hair that gets all fluffy after he washes it. He had a zillion freckles as a kid, but they're fading. He's got brown eyes, he's very enthusiastic about everything and everyone, and he's completely convinced that Mel will warm up to people if they just give him a chance (Mel has "warmed up" to Buck, and frequently curls up on his tummy, with the result that all of his shirts have a discolored, threadbare circle on the front). 

That's it! 

Character Creation: Don't Look Back

Fun fact: "Don't look back" was the tagline for Orpheus. It didn't make a lot of sense there, either. 

The Game: Don't Look Back
The Publisher: dlb3 Studio
Degree of Familiarity: None with this game, quite familiar with the genre
Books Required: Just the one

Don't Look Back (I guess the full title is Don't Look Back: Terror is Never Far Behind but who's got time for that?) is an odd duck. The title and the cover say "horror game" to me, but the game as presented hews a lot closer to Conspiracy X or Unknown Armies (if a lot less surreal) than, say, Chill or Fear Itself. And that's fine, it's just a different flavor of horror than I was expecting. Reading the book, it's not quite fair to say that there's no setting. It's not as well-defined as Chill (which, yes, is my go-to comparison for modern horror games, go figure) in terms of who the characters are and what they're doing, but there's definitely some context for the larger world and the conspiracies therein. 

Anyway, chargen is pretty quick, so here we go. The first thing I need to do is figure out what the setting is, because like I said, there's not an overarching framework for characters (this is something the Game Host would have to figure out). 

Well, one of the provided suggestions is that the characters are reporters for The Unredacted Truth, a group trying to spill the beans on supernatural shit and related conspiracies. It would actually be interesting to play something like that, because just about all of the "our modern world but there's supernatural shit" games I've played either put the characters in the position of protecting that secrecy (most of the WoD/CofD games) or come down on the "yeah we'd like to tell everyone but we don't want the world to blow up so ssh" side of things (Chill). So, sure, I'll say my guy is doing that. 

First step is a description, name, age, etc. Okies. His name is Everett Burton. He's 25, recent college grad in...something where you don't get a job. Communications, maybe. Ev's father worked for the FBI, and Ev used to joke, when he was younger, that his dad worked on X-Files (which, if this game were set in 2021, Ev must have watched on DVD because he was 6 when the series ended in 2002, sweet jesus). His parents both died of a weird illness - the doctors said it was salmonella, but both of them? And what was up with those skin lesions? - when he was 23. His father said to Ev, on his deathbed, "it's true." It took a year for Ev to figure out that his dad had been talking about the "men in black" nature of his work.

Since then, Ev has been studying his father's life. He notices his dad got sent to the woods a lot, and so Ev has gotten heavily into cryptozoology. He wants to know the truth about what happened to his parents, but he's afraid of getting on the government's radar and getting shot (or "salmonella") so he tries to just do the work himself, and not break any laws in the process. 

Ev is in pretty good shape (he hikes a lot), but he's starting to develop a paunch. He's got brown hair, balding a little. He wears a thin beard, and always carries a cloth mask (even before the pandemic, if that happens in this universe), a pocket knife, latex gloves, and a couple of little sample baggies. You never know. 

Cool, now what? Attributes! These don't get numbers. One gets circled (the one you're good at) and one gets crossed out (the one you ain't) and then the other two you're just OK. I guess I'll make Grace the Unfamiliar one (Everett's not much of a dancer), and I'll make Wits the Focused one (he's just out of college so his studying/research brain is well-honed). 

Occupation. This is a kind of catch-all that represents what the character is really trained at. One of the examples is "Cryptozoologist" and I like that one, so there ya go.

Skills! I get nine, and I can choose if they go under Focused or Unfocused. They have to be specific, and there's a list, but if I need to make something up that's easy. Let's see. Just brainstorming, I feel like Ev might have learned to shoot and handle guns, given his dad's work, so I'll put pistols under Unfocused. Let's say Ev took some Spanish in college and is more or less proficient, so I'll put that under Unfocused as well. Athletics (hiking) is Focused, obviously. I feel like survival or outdoorsman or something would make sense? Sure, but there's nothing like that listed, though Tracking and Climbing are. Well, I'll take both of those (Tracking Focused, Climbing Unfocused), and I'll take Camping at Focused. 

Photography, too, makes sense, and we'll say that Ev has honed that skill in the last couple years so it can be Focused. I think Research makes sense (Focused), and then I'll take Driving under Unfocused, and that's my nine.

Focus Number is the number of my Focused Skills plus one for Occupation, which is 6 total.

Advantages and Disadvantages are optional, so let's see if any are good. I like Gullible as a disadvantage, but none of the advantages say "Ev" to me. Let's say that he's got an old journal of his dad's, and it's got notes in it. No drawings, and everything is in code (and in his dad's writing, which is hard to read), but it's good for a bonus to a research roll now and then.

And that's it, actually. 

Movie #649: Halloween (2018)

Halloween is a direct sequel to Halloween, and ignores all the other Halloween movies. There really need to be a term for "movie that acts as a direct sequel to a movie but has the same title," because between this, Candyman, and the upcoming Texas Chainsaw Massacre it's getting to be a thing. Anyway, this movie stars Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, Andi Matichak, James Jude Courtney, Nick Castle, Haluk Bilginer, Will Patton, Toby Huss, and Dylan Arnold. 

Following the events of Halloween, Laurie Strode (Curtis) has lived a full, though not entirely happy, life. The trauma she suffered at the hands of Michael Myers (mostly Courtney, but Castle for a couple of shots) has pretty much defined her life, and she's turned her home into a fortress. She also tried to raise her daughter Karen (Greer) to be ready to fight off crazed serial killers, but this didn't go especially well and she's now estranged from her family, except her granddaughter Allyson (Matichak). 

Michael escapes from the asylum he's been in for the past 40 years, returns to Haddonfield, and starts killing people again. He eventually tracks Laurie to her house and we get a climactic battle between the family (the surviving family, anyway; Allyson's father Roy (Huss) gets killed and stuffed in a closet pretty quick) and Michael. 

Interestingly, it occurs to me that I've only ever seen the original Halloween and H20 (which also starred Curtis, and which I think was part of the "Michael and Laurie are siblings" storyline, which this movie references as a rumor and promptly ignores). Halloween is one of my favorite slasher movies, and this movie brings something to the table that very few horror franchises ever get: perspective. The movie doesn't just have a killer pop in and start a-stabbin', but gives Michael a direction, if not exactly a motive. Michael is the definition of evil, and that's consistent with the first movie and with everything he presents (the trailer for the upcoming Halloween Kills seems to present a more supernatural side to Michael, and if that's the case I'm here for it because I feel like they've earned it). We don't get clever one-liners or jokes following kills, and the murders are quick, brutal, and efficient. Michael doesn't seem to enjoy them as such, and the main conflict in the movie (aside from "big dude what stabs everyone") is the characters trying to figure out why. That even drives Dr. Sartain (Bilginer) to murder a cop (Patton) in a desperate attempt to see Michael "in the wild" (doesn't end so well for him). 

It's very hard in a slasher movie to make characters, especially minor characters, not feel disposable, but they managed here by giving everyone that dies just a little moment of humanity before Michael gets his hands on them. They're not all "good" people, but none of them deserve what they get, and if you're really going to make a horror movie and earn the "horror," then you need to lean away from comedy and, I'd argue, from morality play. 

My Grade: A
Rewatch Value: Medium

Next up: Secretary

Character Creation: Legend of the 3 Cosmic Fists

I love games that commit to their premise.

The Game: Legend of the 3 Cosmic Fists
The Publisher: B Drone Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

The premise, in this case, is that the characters are astronauts that get recruited to fight in an intergalactic martial arts tournament. Shades of Street Fighter here, but with a fun sci-fi twist, and the aesthetic seems to be a lighter, more kid-friendly game. The game also emphasizes the philosophy behind the martial arts highlighted, including considering concepts of "honor" (which the game also recognizes has a somewhat problematic place in Asian-inspired media, which I appreciate). 

Anyway, let's make an ass-kicking astronaut!

OK, I'm meant to fill in my character's name, nationality, and starting discipline. I think I want this guy's named to be Arthur, but I need a last name. Let's say that his great-grandfather came over to the US after the Viet Nam war and married an American woman. His family name is Lê. His starting discipline can be vovinam. 

Now I get 24 points to divide up between the three Attributes, but in practice I can take d8/d8/d8, d6/d8/d10, or d6/d6/d12. My usual inclination is to specialize heavily so that I have one area that I'm a Viking, but reading up on vovinam real quick, I think the all-rounder approach is probably better, so I'll spread the points evenly. 

12 points to distribute across low/mid/high body regions in Defense Scores. Let's go 5 high, 4 mid, 3 low. 

60 hit points to distribute across the same regions, min 10, max 40. Let's go 20 high, 15 mid, 25 low. 

Techniques! I get 4 of them, and they can't total more than 30 XP or have any prerequisites. OK, then. Always good to cover the basics, so I'll take direct punch, arm lock, direct kick, and back fist. That's 28 XP, so that's fine. 

History! I'm meant to think about Arthur's backstory here, how he became an astronaut, and so on. Well, we'll say that Arthur's great-great-grandfather was one of the first students of vovinam (it was founded in 1938), and it's been passed down in his family ever since. Arthur was actually the first in his family to supplement his studies at a school (which didn't thrill his father, but dad didn't have time to teach me as much as he wanted so that's life). Arthur joined the Air Force out of high school, and got scooped up for astronaut training right away. He got assigned to Space-Q both because of his skill with mathematics and physics. As for his interests, I'll say Arthur loves making models. Ships, cars, buildings, whatever, it's about watching something take shape. 

And now skills. I can have one basic and one advanced, three basic, or one expert. I think I'll go with the first option and take Basic Mechanics and Advanced Computer Science. 

And...that's actually it. Arthur is in his early 20s. He has his father's black hair and his grandmother's blue eyes. He has long, delicate fingers, and during basic training he actually got razzed a bit for his kind of feminine frame, but Arthur is quite capable of laying a smack down if need be. 

Board Game: Little Dead Riding Hood

Been meaning to play this one for a while, just so I can cross it off the list and get rid of it. 

The Game: Little Dead Riding Hood
The Publisher: Twilight Creations
Time: Once we got a rulebook that worked, about 25 minutes
Players: Me, Michelle, Cael

Game Play: This game has the worst rulebook I've ever seen, but I'll talk about that anon. The game, as intended(?), works like this: 

You've got a board with the woods to Grandma's house. You're trying to get your well-armed little Riding Hood across it. You draw random tiles to construct a path; said tiles might contain bullets, nothing, obstacles that you can't cross, or zombie wolves! You play cards either for an effect (forcing players to discard cards, for example) or for a movement value. You add tiles by choosing one of the appropriate helper cards; the Woodsman, f'rex, lets you add three tiles, but all other players add one. 

The race begins

If you wind up on the same tile as a zombie wolf, you fight them by putting one wolf token and as many bullet tokens as you want into a bag, shaking it up, and drawing out a tile. Bullet token, blammo, dead wolf. Wolf token, you flee back one space. First one out of the woods to Granny's wins. 

Cael ponders his options

Opinions: This game has the worst rulebook I've ever seen. You can read it at the Twilight Creations site I linked above, and I have no idea why they haven't corrected it. In any event, a reddit user wrote his own rulebook that actually, y'know, tells you how to play the game, and I printed that out (it's like 3 pages) to put in the box when I sell it to Half-Price Books. 

Now, thinking about the game using that rulebook (you know, the one that lets you play the game)...the game's not terrible. It's a fun, quick little racing game. I don't hate it, but it's pretty darned simplistic and the Snow White & The Huntsmen meets zombies aesthetic aside, there's not really much flavor. 

Uh, hi, guys

Feels like Twilight kinda cranked this one out and then forgot about it. 

Keep? Nah.

Character Creation: Drudge!

Yet another game I got in PDF in a bundle. At least this one is short. 

The Game: Drudge!
The Publisher: Penguin Comics
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

See this right here?

If you don't have the "what is this game" text done, maybe your game isn't ready to distribute to the masses. And the cover is no help, either. 

Erotic horror in an HR Giger kind of vein? Supernatural spookiness? Who can say? Honestly, "any genre" is kind of a red flag for me, because what that usually means is "yet another boring-ass simulation game," but Drudge gets weirder than that. It draws a distinction between "table-top" and "role-playing game," wherein the former is used to mean...a minis game, I guess? If ever there was a game that would benefit from a "what is an RPG?" section, it's this one, if only because it would help me figure out what the designers were thinking about. 

Now, the PDF I have say it's version 1.0, so maybe it's been improved? Or is being improved? But I only have what I have, so on we go. The system allows us to make characters that are "drudges," "specialists," or "main characters." And then we get this:

Very confusing. Remember, we haven't been told that this is anything other than an RPG at this point, and I would venture to say that most people's experience with RPGs is that everyone plays one character (there are exceptions, of course). I also think that English was not this writer's first language, nor was it the editor's. I shall do my best. 

This is so goddamn weird. The first 30 pages of this 40 page book are mostly talking about character creation (purely mechanically) and game rules, which of course means combat and car chases. There's no attention at all devoted to what any of these terms mean. There are some sample adventures at the end of the book, so I'm gonna pick one of those so I have some context for a character. 

Hm. Of these three, we've got a fantasy setting where the object is "kill the dragon" (very original), a Mad-Max-ish post-apoc setting, and a modern horror setting where everyone's in an elevator and one of the characters is Satan a werewolf. I'm torn. I hate them all, but the last one only wants one character rather than five. 

Oh, wait. The post-apoc one isn't necessarily post-apoc, it's just that you have a truck and a follow car and you're going from place to place and someone (marauders or cops) are chasing you. There's no further context. 

All right, y'know what, we're doing that one. I'll make a specialist (driving the truck) and a drudge (driving the follow car) because there's two character card things on the sheet and that's all I can fucked to do right now. 

Technically I get 100 points to build characters, but I don't have to spend them all, which is good.

OK, so a drudge first. My drudge is named Zeke. Zeke has a blue mohawk and is missing half his upper lip (he usually wears a mask anyway). He drives a follow car, and it's really his job to tell the trucker if there's trouble coming and run interference as necessary. Zeke knows he's not likely to live long. 

So I get ratings of 1 in all of my attributes (Physique, Agility, Intelligence, Nature - sigh, PAIN), and in the two basic skills (Basic Weapons and Basic Vehicles). If I buy a special skill, it converts Zeke to a Specialist, so I shan't do that. I'll just buy up Physique to 3 and Agility to 2 (costing 6 more points), and Nature to 2 (2 more). I'll buy Vehicles up to 4 and Weapons to 3 (12 total). 

I could also use points to buy gear, but let's wait and do the trucker first. The trucker's name is Hightop. Hightop is older, been doing this run for years, and is one of the few left alive that remembers the before times. He doesn't like to talk about them, just tends to mutter something about people back then being too stupid to come in out of the rain, but it hasn't rained here in a long time. Hightop has a big ol' beer belly, scraggly white hair, and wears a beat-to-shit flannel. 

So to build a specialist we start with the basic drudge package (6 points), and then he becomes a specialist when I buy a special skill. So PAIN first (this whole thing is a pain), let's do Physique 2, Agility 3, Intelligence 4, and Nature 3. That's 18 points.

Skills, we'll take Basic Weapons 4 and Advanced Vehicles 4. That's 16 more points. 

So 66 points spent so far. If I were making 5 characters I'd be worried, but eh. For Zeke I'll buy a flak jacket, a knife, and a revolver (2 points, with 5 credits left). For Hightop, I'll buy a shotgun (1 point, 4 credits left). 

Health is the average of Physique and Agility, which for Zeke is 2 and for Hightop is also 2 (round down).

Cool, that's it!