Wicked Ones! In today's episode, Baldruf beheads a dude, and Thudd turns into a leek and marries a horse.
Last time, the monsters effectively destroyed the Confraternity of the Three and rededicated the Sepulcher of Suffering to the "Dark Three." Now, they must go out into the world and preach their gods' word! Actually, they're looking to set up the Sepulcher as a kind of waystation for dark forces, starting with swaying Briggon's Notch (a neutral-aligned pirate town) to the Dark.
So they roll into the Notch and set up in the market square. Yog-en-Yeg beats his big wardrums and they start trying to get people's attention, but they run into two problems right off. First of all, not everyone speaks Dark Tongue, and second, Thudd is a klutz and knocks over a wagon of vegetables ("MY CABBAGES!"). The vendor stomps up and demands recompense. Thudd tries to play it off, but this guy won't be dissuaded and starts making a scene. Not wanting to be run out of the Notch so easily, Baldruf sneaks up on the guy and picks his pocket, paying him off with his own money. He wanders away in a huff, but the citizenry is watching the characters.
Fnort sets up a dice game and starts trying to show off the glory of Zaheen, god of chaos. Baldruf tries to draw in business by winning (showing what can be accomplished if you sacrifice to the Dancing Madman!) but a well-dressed guy catches his arm and spills his extra dice. The man says, in perfect Dark Tongue, that cheating is frowned upon here (I mean, it's not, but getting caught is). Baldruf threatens him with his sharp-ass knife, and the guy says that he's amenable to being bribed. Baldruf flips him a gold and the guy strolls off.
Meanwhile, Thudd wanders off, not wanting to get into any more trouble - every time he leaves the Sepulcher bad things seem to happen to him! He notices three pirates sharing a cask of grog, and his desire for booze gets the better of him. He creeps up, pokes a hole in the cask, and drinks most of it. Now very drunk, he's vaguely aware of the pirates arguing over where the hell the grog went. They start looking for a leak, and Thudd mumbles the word /lik/ until it doesn't mean anything anymore. When they peek around the back of the cask, there they see...a leek! Glory to Zaheen! (Or maybe Dalgeth.)
Back at the market square, Yog-en-Yeg tries drumming (lol) up some more interest in the Sepulcher. He gets a little more aggressive, and he and Baldruf just stuff a couple of dudes into a sack. Another pirate spots this, and says "You! I know you! Yog-en-Yeg!" Yog-en-Yeg recognize him as Three-Fingered Harding. He's only got three fingers because Yog-en-Yeg ate the other two.
Harding runs off with purpose, and Yog-en-Yeg points this out to Baldruf. Baldruf follows and stabs him, but misjudges where he's standing and gets a faceful of blood. People notice, and Baldruf loudly claims that this guy was trying to pick his pocket. Thudd, drunkenly stumbling up, claims that the dead guy tried to rob him, too, helping Baldruf out!
Except that Thudd is still a leek. The people around scream "DEMON ONION!" and start running. Chaos erupts, and the "militia" - actually a bunch of volunteers wearing stupid-looking sashes - tromp into the square and demand to know what's all this then. Yog-en-Yeg, making use of his Crystal Tongue (it lets him speak and understand any language, but gives him terrible indigestion), explains that they should come to the Sepulcher of Suffering! Worship the Dark Three! Have dipping sauce!
Some of the militia have a conversation with the ettin, trying to figure out what's going on. But a bunch of the others go looking around the streets for this "demon onion." Baldruf yanks Thudd behind some stalls to hide, but the well-dressed guy from before is standing there, flipping a coin (that he got from Baldruf!) around his fingers. "Everyone's looking for you," he says. "But I'm the head of the guard, so I can keep you safe, for some more coin."
Baldruf considers this, and then shoots the guy in the neck with his magic crossbow bolt. The guy's head falls off and his body stumbles and falls (because Thudd tied his boots together). His head is flapping its lips trying to talk, so Baldruf claps his hand over the mouth. Thudd quickly works some spare leather and parts into a harness to put the head on Baldruf's belt, and Baldruf tries to have his skeleton minion get the body up and do a little dance, but the citizenry interprets that as an undead invasion and the panic worsens.
Fnort, meanwhile, figures this has gone well and truly pear-shaped, steals a barrel of pickled herring, and heads for the hills.
"HOPE TO SEE YOU AT SEPULCHER!" bellows Yog-en-Yeg.
Cut to back at the Sepulcher, a couple of days later. A well-dressed pirate rides up on a horse and knocks on the door. Yog-en-Yeg answers, and the guy presents him with a parchment - a bill for the damage the Wicked Ones caused. Yog-en-Yeg laughs at this, and the guy makes to ride off, but the ettin grabs him and yanks him into the dungeon. And then, as an afterthought, grabs the horse as well.
Baldruf, over the next couple of nights, prays to Irion, the god of thievery and baking, and everyone finds one of their possessions gets swapped out for someone else's (Yog-en-Yeg gets Fnort's cleric boots, which he promptly wears as hats; Fnort gets Thudd's recently completed electromagnet; Baldruf gets Yog-en-Yeg's war drums; Thudd gets Baldruf's magical crossbow bolt). Thudd gets very drunk and marries the horse. His name is Pearl. He and Thudd are still working on effective communication, but Thudd starts building a clockwork groom to take care of him.
Yog-en-Yeg finishes digging a staircase to a second level of the dungeon. A horrible tentacled creature slithers up from the depths, taking up residence in the dungeon, as does another mimic. Fnort and his new batch of kobolds finish up the reliquary, and the Wicked Ones decide their next order of business should be to strike the gnomes of Flywheel and steal something interesting and mechanical to put in said reliquary. And wouldn't you know it, the Doohickey Festival is coming up!
Next time, more crazy hijinks!
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