Thursday, August 6, 2026

Movie #956: The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie (shudder) is an animated film/commercial starring T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Patrick Stewart, and a bunch of other people but the most inexplicable is Rachel Ray as "Spam." 

Ugh. Fine, here we go. In this horrific world, the apps on one's phone are little mini-worlds, complete with sentient computer programs, or rather, little parts of them are sentient? I guess? Anyway, the emojis all live in Textopolis, where they report to work every day and sit in a cubicle against the moment that the phone's owner, Alex (Jake T. Austin) uses them in a text, whereupon they get "scanned". Our protagonist, Gene (Miller), is a "meh" emoji, and is showing up for work on the first day - presumably his father Mel (Wright) or mother Mary (Coolidge) did the job before him? Also, how does these things reproducing fit in to the fiction of...what? I'm officially giving the screenplay more thought than any of the writers ever did? Well all right then, on we go!

Gene fucks up his job because he has the unique ability to make more than one face. He hooks up with Hi-5 (Corden), who was once a "favorite" emoji but has gotten passed over for Fist Bump (Tarek Bishara), so the two of them flee Textopolis to find Jailbreak (Faris), a hacker who once helped a Princess emoji escape into "the cloud." This is all while Smiler (Rudolph) is sending hordes of bots after them to kill them. How Smiler got to be absolute ruler of Textopolis is never...what? Overthinking again? Fine

Anyway, they have various misadventures, turns out Jailbreak is the princess emoji but needs Gene's special ability to get into the cloud, they eventually get back to Textopolis and the bots are defeated and Gene's ability lets Alex send a single multi-face emoji to his crush, Addie (Tati Gabrielle) and the movie mercifully ends, just as I was considering how bad an idea it would be to open another bottle of wine.

So as is probably evident, this movie is fucking terrible. But why is it terrible? After all, The LEGO Movie is similarly hung on a premise with no inherent story. So we Barbie. So what's different?

Well, for one thing, those movies had a point. They had strong scripts. They had stories that made you care about the characters, and they gave those characters personalities and arcs rather than one-note jokes. They had directors that had something to say. Know what they didn't have? Product placement for fucking apps. Patrick Stewart voicing a literal piece of shit, making all of his dialog poop jokes (literally everything he says or is said to him is a poop joke). This movie so, so badly wants to be Inside Out, but that movie worked because (among other things), we cared about Riley and her story and the emotions in her head were actively working in service to that story, the fiction all made sense, and Joy's arc contributes to Riley's. Here, Alex doesn't have an arc. He's just a kid with a phone, and he can't even muster the imagination to write words to his crush (we're told "words aren't cool" multiple times, and like, where do I ever start with that shit).

Gene kind of has an arc, but it's boring and stupid, and the biggest creative swing here was to make the movie centered on "meh," and it doesn't pay off because he's not a meh. Even when he's just living his life he's more expressive than most of the other emojis. 

And, yes, I will admit that my hatred for phone culture contributes, but frankly even if I thought smart phones weren't a blight on our existence, I'd hate this movie. 

My Grade: F
Rewatch Value: IINSIAIFWT

Next up: Miller's Crossing

Wednesday, August 5, 2026

Character Creation: Staged Heroism

I'd love to do 12 characters this month and get caught up, and it's not impossible! Just need to stop playing Ghost of Yotei so much. 

The Game: Staged Heroism
The Publisher: Nerdburger Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one


I said recently that Nerdburger Games pretty consistently makes games I want to play, but of course there's always gotta be an exception (in fairness, this is a game that Nerdburger published but wasn't created by Craig Campbell). And like, there's nothing wrong with this game, it's just one of those games that's based on something I don't know (Venture Bros., specifically) and I don't get the jokes. 

I think that the jokes mostly revolve around superheroes and comic takes therewith, and I have other games like that - Silver Haired Sentinels, Stuperpowers!, and the like. I like the idea, I just didn't vibe with this game particularly. But let's make a character and see how we do.


First up we Choose a class. Classes here are Hero, Villain, Sidekick, and Secret Agent. I'm not quite sure what the niches are we're going for here. 

OK, reading through them again, I think what's happening here is that Heroes and Villains are pretty much what is says on the tin, but the important thing is that they have "origin characters" that they can flash back to. The origin character of John Stewart, for example, might be Hal Jordan (except that Stewart is much more capable than the PCs of this game). Secret Agents don't have origin characters, they have agencies, and sidekicks don't have them either, they have a hero or villain they're attached to. Frankly I think taking a more Masks approach and making each of the four classes have its own mechanical or narrative wrinkle (that is, making the origin character concept part of the deal for heroes and villains, but change the focus slightly) might be have been smarter, because as it is the book says "everyone gets an origin character" when in fact only half the classes do. 

REGARDLESS. I don't have a strong preference, so let's just roll a d4. Going alphabetical (1=Hero, 2=Secret Agent, etc.), we get...1, Hero! Fine.

Next up we distribute our Ability score. I get 5 points to divvy up, I can't spend more than 2, but as a Hero I get to add 1 to two of them after the fact. So I guess I should come up with some kind of concept. Ugh, I got nothing today. Perchance The Weird can help? Sure, there's a table for Weird Superpowers. Rolling a 29 gets me..."create cigarettes" (ew, no), "cause disembodied spirits to possess and animate inanimate objects" (that's better), "push things a few minutes into the future" (sounds fun, but would be harder to adjudicate in play), and "control moths and butterflies" (HELL YEAH). 

OK, so we'll say my character is Aston Attwater, aka Red Admiral! His origin character was his father, Andrew Attwater, aka Monarch! Monarch could control any insect (or invertebrate, depending on who's writing this episode) and could fly, and had the proportional strength of a butterfly (some super-strength). His son Aston can control...butterflies and moths. That's it. He's working on beetles. 

Look, controlling butterflies isn't so bad. They're great distractions, they can gum up machinery (but that involves a lot of them dying, so Aston's not so into that), they're...very pretty. It's bad enough everyone thinks that Aston's super-name has something to do with boats. He hates boats. 

Right, so, Abilities. I picture Aston as a willowy, slight sort of lad, but very colorful and striking, so let's put Charm at 2 and...everything else at 1, I guess, because based on the pregens we have to have 1 point in everything (so why not give us a point in all four Abilities and then two more points to spend?). I'll put my free points from Hero into Charm and Physicality. 

Now we choose Qualities. I get two; these are basically just extra little perks except they have really long, cute names. I'll take Just Let Me Try This Again, I'm Ready For It This Time!, which lets me reroll a failed check twice per scene, and This is Gonna Be One of Those Things, Isn't It?, which lets me name a thing and get a +1 to use it. In this case, the thing is going to be using a swarm of butterflies to distract and befuddle someone.

"Note my powers per scene." Um. I can use my power three times per scene (equal to the controlling Ability, which I think should be Charm), but unlimited to do little cosmetic stuff. 

Durability is 12 (10 + Physicality). No place to put that on the sheet, can't be that important.

History, which I've done! Red Admiral has an outfit designed in the style of his butterfly namesake, mostly black with red trim and wing-like flaps under the arms that do exactly nothing. I think he's good at making an entrance (bursting through a cloud of butterflies!) and from there...not as impressive. 

That'll do it!

Tuesday, August 4, 2026

Movie #955: Maximum Risk

Maximum Risk is mid-90s action flick starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Natasha Henstridge, Zach Grenier, Paul Ben-Victor, Frank Senger, David Hemblen, and Jean-Hughes Anglade. 

We open with a dude (Van Damme) getting chased through the streets of Nice and ultimately killed by being thrown through a car windshield. One of the cops who shows up the scene is Alain Moreau (Van Damme again), who is pretty surprised to find that he had an identical twin out there. He confronts his mother (Stéphane Audran), who admits that she did have twins, and gave one away because she was too poor to keep them both. Turns out the other twin grew up in Russia to be Mikhail Suverov, and went into the Russian mob because there really aren't a lot of other careers there, I guess.

So Alain goes to New York to try and learn about his brother and what exactly he was mixed up in. He meets up (and very nearly hooks up, but catches himself just in time) with his late brother's girlfriend Alex (Henstridge, fresh off Species), and is immediately dodging bullets from Russian mobster Ivan (Grenier) and his goons. But, plot twist, the Russian mobster in charge, Kirov (Hemblen) actually looks on Suverov as a son and certainly doesn't want him killed.

Anyway, there's a whole power play going on between Ivan and Kirov, the FBI is involved in the personage of two agents (Ben-Victor and Senger) who were the ones who accidentally killed Suverov in the first place. Suverov has a safe deposit box in Nice that has evidence on the whole operation and a lot of corrupt Feds, so obviously everybody wants that, bullets and kicks fly, Moreau and Alex go off to live in the south of France, all is well. 

It's a pretty mediocre 90s action movie. As I'm watching more Van Damme movies (not deliberately, I assure you) I'm finding that the ones that are memorable (I hesitate to say "good") are the ones that are actually about martial arts and/or are genre picks. Like, Cyborg is a terrible movie, but I'd rather watch it or Lionheart or (especially) Bloodsport than this or Assassination Games. When things get too dour or the action gets too "realistic" (I use that term very loosely), then Van Damme's skills kind of get lost in the shuffle, and he's really not that strong of an actor. Henstridge is fun, but she doesn't get to do much here except look scared and get nekkid (which is not a bad thing, but it's hardly enough to hang a character on). 

I do have to give a shout-out to Frank van Keeken as David Hartley, the hapless cab driver and would-be novelist who latches onto Alain when he arrives in New York, follows him around hoping to take his story for his novel, and then gets killed in the crossfire in what is easily the best beat in the movie and the only emotional moment that really lands.

My Grade: C-
Rewatch Value: Low

Next up: The fucking Emoji Movie

D&D: The Belly of the Beast

After nearly a month pining away for the rolling hills of Abhaile, we're finally back! Here's last time.

Having finally defeated the night hag Granny Snowmelt and fulfilled their obligation to the Fey, our heroes start heading southwest. They want to get back Zook's hidey-hole (which, you'll recall, or actually probably won't because it was nearly two years ago, they'd found and used to stash a couple of things) so that Aisling can retrieve her harp-lute before they go on to whatever next awaits them.

They travel for a couple of days, and, as happens as you travel southwest from the eastern marshes of Abhaile, the forest starts to get thicker. As they're walking along, they hear a CRACK from up ahead and see a plume of smoke. Zook takes off on Maeve to see what's going on, and Dara follows close behind, but she kicks something and trips. Brébhin helps her up, and she sees she's tripped over a rectangular block of stone, clearly man made, apparently some kind of building material. But it's covered in years of dirt and plant matter. 

Meanwhile, Zook and the others have found a tree with a scorch mark at the base. The bark has been blown off, and a trail of singed plants leads a few yards away. It looks like a lightning blast, but very low to the ground. Dara notes that she can cast lightning bolt and that's more or less what it looks like. Is there a creature that can spit lightning? 

As the adventurers are contemplating this, they push through the brush and find the ruins of a city! (Aisling: "There's ruins back here!" Zook: "Magic runes?" Aisling: "No, I don't think so, just old." Zook: "What do they say?" Fearg: "ROO-INS. Not runes." smooches Aisling on the nose "I love your adorable north Abhaile accent.")

The characters push their way past the vines and the dirt and marvel at it. It is indeed a city, covered in decades of overgrowth. Aisling walks in and finds herself on what seems to be a street. This place looks about the size of Fiadh, so not as large as the capital city of Cian, but pretty respectable. But none of them have ever heard stories of a wrecked city in this part of Abhaile, and although this looks like at least a few decades of overgrowth, that's still living memory for, say, elves. 

It's getting on towards twilight, so they find a building with a hole in the roof and building a fire. They realize that most of the buildings' roofs have collapsed, and a quick dig into the brush reveals explosion or fire damage. Aisling points this out to Zook, since it kind of looks like what happens when a fireball goes off in close quarters, and Zook muses that a fireball spell wouldn't be enough to cause devastation like this. Something bigger...he's heard of a meteor swarm spell, but that's well above his capabilities. 

Dara casts speak with plants and talks with the ivy covering the place. The ivy, of course, can only relay information that's about a day old, and they've seen deer and rabbits and so on, but nothing two-legged. She thinks about creatures that can spit lighting, and remembers hearing stories about something called a "behir," a kind of reptilian thing with multiple legs like a centipede. Supposedly it usually lives underground, but maybe...?

As the adventurers are exploring, they hear a scream - Brébhin, who was tending the fire! Dara rushes into the building and sees Brébhin wrapped up in the coils of a huge, blue lizard-like creature!

RAR

The creature is coiled around Brébhin and squeezing her to the point that her eyes are bugging out. Dara casts her shillelagh spell and whacks it on the head, and it hisses but does not let go. Zook enters the room and hits it with magic missiles, and Clara just scampers right up and punches it! Aisling follows Zook's lead, and Keenan, not having a clear shot with a spell, hits with a crossbow bolt. Fearg pushes his way into the room and rages, but can't quite get a swing off before the monster opens its mouth...

...and spits lightning! The bolt scorches Clara, Aisling, and Zook, but hits poor Keenan dead on and drops him. He falls, smoke pouring out of his mouth, and Zook runs back to pull him out of the way (throwing a haste spell at Clara as he goes). Clara obligingly punches the behir several times, while Aisling casts a healing spell to wake Keenan up ("ow"). Fearg swings on it, Brébhin thrashes, trying ineffectively to escape. Dara turns into a bear and lashes out at the monster, biting and clawing, but its hide is tough and she can't gain enough purchase to free Brébhin.

The behir, which honestly was just trying to have dinner, for fuck's sake, rears back and spits another lightning bolt. It drops Zook and Clara. Dara continues her bear-sault, and Fearg wails on it with his war hammer, while Aisling throws magic missiles. Keenan, awake but not doing particularly well, grabs Zook and drags him to safety. The behir turns and belches forth another lightning blast, dropping Dara and Fearg (seriously, my recharge rolls were just nothin' but 6s). With comparatively little resistance now - only Aisling and Keenan left in the fight, the behir opens its mouth and swallows Brébhin whole

Keenan rushes in and throws fire at the thing. It turns and bites him in the shoulder, flinging him against a wall and dropping him. Aisling busily casts healing spells, bringing Zook and Clara back, and Zook hurls a stream of magic missiles, peppering its back and finally killing it. It flops over and writhes, and Clara, knowing time is of the essence, runs up and cuts the thing open with a dagger. Brébhin spills out, not breathing, and Clara pours a healing potion into her mouth (Zook does the same for Dara). 

Brébhin wakes up and promptly vomits, more than once. "I think," she says between heaves, "that adventuring may not be for me." 

"Yeah," says Clara. "Being swallowed isn't something you forget." 

Brébhin politely asks for someone to clean her, and Aisling casts Prestidigitation a couple of times. The leave this room and Zook puts up the magic hut, and everyone gets some sleep to recharge, hoping these things don't run in packs.

The next morning, they awaken to the smell of cooking meat - Fearg has caught a couple of rabbits for breakfast. Zook smooches Keenan on the forehead and casts mage armor on him, telling him to please be more careful. After they eat, the heroes explore the place a little more, and track the behir (it's hard, the thing is pretty light on its feet and its tail erases its tracks). They eventually find a cave laden with excrement ("ugh"), but poke through it a bit, and find man-made objects - knives, camping accoutrement, that kind of thing. Aisling also finds three large topaz, and uses her magic to clean them off before pocketing them. 

Looking at the stuff, Zook guesses that the behir has been here made 20 years, but Dara's guess on how long the city has been abandoned is closely to a century. That gets the behir off the hook for the devastation (as painful as its lightning breath was, it couldn't have done all this anyway), so probably it just moved in and used the place as a lair, eating who or whatever wandered through. 

As they're pawing through crap, the characters also find three silver chalices, obviously part of a set. Some cleansing magic later, they find that each has a moonstone set in it, and Clara recognizes them as dwarven made. Zook figures there really should be four of them (they're a set), but they don't find a fourth - maybe whoever had that one got away. They also find writing on the underside. It's small and hard to read, but Zook eventually manages to read the first one:

I am Mealla of Anaithnid, found by Orcan, raised by Fachtna and Luíseach

The characters know someone named Orcan, of course. He was the elf who brought the worship of Ghrian Trí Duillegoa to the Enclave of Thorns and then apparently threw in with demons and got himself killed. Same guy or just same name? They aren't sure. Aisling does note, however, that "of Anaithnid" is an expression that means "of unknown origin," often used by orphans or foundlings. 

There's different writings on the other chalices, but the writing is so small it's hard to read. Zook asks if anyone has a magnifying glass, and Keenan smacks himself in the forehead. "No, but!" He casts enlarge on the other chalices, and one reads:

Find me in the north and I will explain

That's not terribly helpful as directions go. "The north" is a big place. The last one reads:

Pull up the ladder when the flood comes

Maybe the fourth one contextualizes this a bit. In any case, the heroes clean themselves up and continue their trek to the hidey-hole, where they retrieve Aisling's harp-lute. They also find a set of leather armor that Dara left there, which she gives to Brébhin. Brébhin, for her part, takes her leave of the party. She's decided that adventuring just isn't what she wants to do - it's dangerous and unpleasant, and she's been out of the world long enough and would like a rest. She thanks the characters again for freeing her from the curse, and strikes off south, heading for the Enclave of Thorns.

The characters, meanwhile, head north towards Cian, hoping to learn a little more about this "Mealla of Aithainid" before venturing up into the mountains! 

Sunday, August 2, 2026

Movie #954: The Masque of the Red Death

The Masque of the Red Death is a 1964 Roger Corman flick based on (doy) the eponymous story by Edgar Allan Poe and starring Vincent Price, Hazel Court, Jane Asher, David Weston, Nigel Green, John Westbrook, Skip Martin, Verina Greenshaw, and Patrick Magee. 

In Medieval Italy, the peasantry is under the oppressive thumb of Prince Prospero (Price), a merciless and sadistic noble who, by the way, is an unapologetic Satanist. After stopping over in a village for a quick bonfire and to kidnap a young woman named Francesca (Asher), her lover Gino (Weston), and her father (Green), he realizes that the village and the surrounding lands are about to fall prey to the Red Death!

He therefore immediately invites all of the nobles in the land to join him in his castle, whereupon he shuts it up, leaves the common folk outside to get fucked, and starts up the revels, culminating in a masque. 

Now, we know from the story what happens - there's a red-garbed figure (Westbrook) who pops up throughout the story, showing Tarot cards to various characters, and he appears at the party and infects everyone with the Red Death. But there's a lot more than happens in between. Probably the most interesting is the ongoing interplay between Prospero, who is highly devout in his worship of Satan and his beliefs that Satan rules the universe after killing God, and Francesca, who is equally devout in her faith in the God of love (but of course has no education to back it up, as she herself points out, so as a theological debate it stays pretty surface level). 

We also have Hazel Court as Prospero's mistress, Juliana, also a Satan-worshipper, eventually branding herself and going through this long sequences where a bunch of demons appear out of nowhere and "stab" her (which I'm sure is not meant to be symbolic of anyt- OK, yeah, it totally is). The other major subplot is with Prospero's dwarf jester, Hop-Toad (Martin), who cons another sadistic asshole (Magee) into wearing a gorilla skin at the party and then burns him alive (which, if you've read "Hop-Frog", you know is actually everyone involves getting off light). 

So, what do we think? The costumes are fantastic (no idea if they're period, and don't care), the set is impressive. The performances are good, but Price blows everyone else away. Playing a character who is not only evil but avowedly so is hard, because it gets cartoony real quickly, but I like Prospero's take: he's evil, yes, but it's not exactly personal, it's a matter of faith and intellectual curiosity. I think if I have a major criticism, I think the Hop-Toad subplot could probably have been cut or trimmed; the movie plods a little and I think tightening up the pacing would have helped. Likewise, having all of the "demons" that come to Juliana to "stab" her be folks from non-European cultures was...a choice, and probably not one that holds up. 

Not my favorite of the Corman-Price-Poe movies, but not bad.

My Grade: B
Rewatch Value: Low

Next up: Maximum Risk

Saturday, August 1, 2026

Board Game: Risk

World domination for fun and profit! 

The Game: Risk
The Publisher: Hasbro
Time: This game only took us like 20 minutes, but it sort of depends on how you're playing
Players: Me, Cael, Jack, Ada, Del


Game Play: This is another of these games that I'm kind of only doing the write-up out of obligation; it's pretty classic. But what the hell. In Risk, everyone gets an army composed for little dudes, little horsies, and little cannons. A horsey is worth five dudes, a cannon is worth 10. You start by dealing out the cards, each of which has a territory and one or two stars, and then putting that many dudes on all the territories on your cards. 

The dudes are emerging

From there, every turn you get three more dudes plus more if you control a whole continent, helpfully color coded, plus more if you just control a whole bunch of territories. From there you attack, sending up to three dudes into an enemy territory. They can defend with up to two dudes, you roll dice equal to the dudes in question and pair up the dice. High beats high, defender wins ties, and if you lose you lose a dude. In theory, then, a lone dude can hold off a much bigger army (I've seen it happen), but in practice if you've got one defend and someone rolls in with four or five, you're gonna lose that territory.

The calm before the battle

If you conquer a territory on your turn, you get a card. You can traded in card at the start of your turn for more troops, scaled up depending on how many stars you're exchanging (so it's usually better to wait until you've amassed a few cards). End of your turn, you can do a little shuffling, but it's just "take troops from one place you control and put them in another place you control," which is much simpler than I remember it being. 

Winner is the first one to control a given number of territories at the end of their turn (scaled based on number of players) wins! There's also a "cease fire" card in the deck; if someone draws that, the game ends and whoever has the most territories wins (we didn't use that).

Opinions: I mean, games don't last this long without having something going for them, whether it's good marketing or actually good game play. Risk is fun, and the rules are simple and clear enough that it doesn't lead to fights like Monopoly will. There's a random element - like I said, I've seen one dude on Indonesia hold off invaders far longer than is probable - but strategy and resource management, as well as playing the odds when you've got a chance to steamroll over a bunch of territories with a single defender, is pretty key (this, of course, is how Cael won). It's a fun game, and it's nice to play something sometimes that's simple and doesn't have quite as many moving parts. 

Our new overlord

Keep? Yep

Thursday, July 30, 2026

Character Creation: Over War: The Night Comes Down

The title makes me think of the line from MacBeth ("let it come down," which coincidentally was the title of a really bad one-act play I wrote in college) or the song from Labyrinth ("As the World Falls Down"). Neither of these things are remotely applicable to this game.

The Game: Over War: The Night Comes Down
The Publisher: Blackoath Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one


Over War: The Night Comes Down is a fantasy RPG with about five pages of setting info and then into the game stuff! It sets up the world of Ballark. There are a bunch of sentient peoples, some various kingdoms and fiefdoms and so on, and then the folks from the Over Night swoop down and invade. You're playing a Commander and as part of that you draft a Unit of soldiers of various sorts, and then do tactical shit. It's very war-gamey, and that's fine; probably isn't something I'd run, but I didn't hate it, either. (I do hate that the pagination in the book is off, but the PDF is bookmarked, so we'll call that a wash). 

First thing I do in creating my Commander is to pick an Authority Tag, and here we get into a slight problem. The book tells us that tags are innate properties and signifiers for the game world, OK. We're also told there's more info on p. 23. There's not. Rather, there is in the PDF, but the pagination is different in the print copy, which is something I've seen not infrequently in indie RPGs with POD games. 

Anyway, our first tag is less about Authority and more about species. I'm not feeling especially adventurous today, so I'll say my guy is Human. Oh, wait, hang on, I get it. I get Authority as a tag. That is not clear at first read, at least not without a cup of coffee. One really should have been included with the book. 

Ahem. Anyway, next we choose a history. I think I'll roll 4d6 and do it off this handy table. "Provincial Soldier." Cool, I'm like William Wallace, kind of. And why do my soldiers follow me? (2d6...9) "Generous Rewards!" These...two things seem at odds. Actually, the wording of Generous Rewards just says I know how to secure resources, not that I have them myself, so that's fine. 

Oh, I've got an idea. My guy was a thief and a swindler, got caught, and chose to join the military rather than hang (not normally an option, but, like, war). He won the loyalty of his fellow soldiers quickly, because he's resourceful and good at finding stuff the boys like, like booze and...more booze. 

(Holy shit, am I making Zapp Branigan? "All I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, for all I cared they could sit around all day drinking beer in their underpants.")

"Beer?" "Underpants?"

OK, anyway. Next up I get 7 points of Skills, which means I'm not making Zapp, since "skill" isn't really what he does. Let's put two each into Subterfuge, Tactics, and Wandering, and the last one into Folkways. 

And then I get 2 bonuses chosen from a number of lists. I don't...think it matters which list? So why break them in lists at all? Maybe it matters for advancement. Let's take Stocked and Defiant.

Cool, that's everything for my Commander. Let's name him Palan Ludwick. He's a scruffy sort of fellow, always needs a shave and a haircut (two bits), but can actually clean up when he needs to (like when he's requesting provisions). Might be played by Diego Luna.

And then the next thing I'd do is draft a Unit. Eh, what the heck. I start by picking five kinds of characters I can draw from. Is there a list? I thought at first it was stuff like "Human," but then it says it's stuff like "Adept" and "Siren," so I guess it's more specific than that. Ugh, fine. Well, I'll take Raider and Rebel. Bounty Hunter sounds good. I want a beast, and War Elk sounds dope. Oh, and Rogue, obviously. My Unit is gonna be better for assassination or waylaying than, like, glorious battle. 

But I think that'll do it!