Character Creation: Print the Legend

 Oh, hey, a Wild West RPG, been a while since-

Oh, no

The Game: Print the Legend
The Publisher: Hawvermale Paper & Pen
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

Actually, my first red flag here was this:

It's not been unusual of late for RPGs to acknowledge whose land the game was written on; sovereignty was never ceded and all that. And so seeing an RPG that just flat-out says "Indians," treats them like orcs, and gives you rules for sweat lodges is a bit of cold water in the lap. Oh, and then this:

So like, yeah, not great.

But you know, beyond all of that, the game is just boring. It's nothing but a percentile system hung on a Wild West setting - not even a setting, just "go roleplay in the Wild West." The game lists a bunch of other such games in its bibliography, and I keep thinking, "yeah, other people did it first, so why are you here?"

Well, I'm here to make a character, my tenth for the month! I'm on fire!

Anyway. Stats are randomly generated, which, like, is my favorite thing (NOT). D6 for the tens digit, d10 for the ones, gives us a result of between 10 and 69...wait, is that right? Oh, no, you then add 10. So 20 to 79. Cool. We're doing this four times, to generate Strength, Coordination, Intelligence, and Willpower. It doesn't say if I have to do it in order, but let's assume I do, that's very much the vibe I get off this game.

56, 25, 37, 23. That's two scores with "severe impairment" according to the book, and one clearly below average. Hey, game writer, what happens if the dice fuck you? No word. Some games at least throw you a bone if you roll badly.

Well, let's just go with it, because it'll be over faster and it's not like I'd ever play this game. Let's put my 25 and 23 into Strength and Coordination, respectively, my 56 into Willpower, and my 37 into Intelligence. My character is named Sunday. He was born on a Sunday (if he'd been born on Monday, his name would be Solomon Grundy). His mother died shortly after he was born, his father was long gone, the doctor who delivered him was very, very drunk and when the priest at the orphanage asked his name, the doctor answered the wrong question and said "Sunday." So here we are. Sunday John. 

Reflex is the average of Coordination and Intelligence (30), Movement is the average of Strength and Coordination (24), and Luck is generated like the first four, but then divided by 3, so 49/3 or 16, which the book tells me is average.

Ugh, and then the book does this thing I hate where it veers off and tells me about how the system works, rather than letting me finish chargen. Good, I'd hate to find something I like now. 

All right, the overly granular skill system gives me a number of skills based on the total of my Attributes (ooh, I do get a booby prize for having shit stats. That's very realistic, because people with global impairments are known for being widely skilled). I get 10 fucking Skills. There's no abbreviated list, so I just have to scroll through this ginormous section and pick what I want. So what is Sunday "good" at?

Animal Training
Cow Handling (this is based on Coordination so I'm gonna be shit at it, but c'est la vie)
Fishing (there's a system for fishing. Basically a minigame)
Mimicry
Orienteering
Riding
Roping
Scouting
Shotgun
Survival

There are 9 slots for Skills on the character sheet. Good job, guys. 

Traits! I can take 5 points of traits, but I have to balanced them with disadvantages. There is no section on the sheet for traits. Good job, guys.

Jesus christ

OK, skipping this. It's optional and I just don't care. 

Y'know what, that'll do it. The last thing is equipment and it's up the GM, which I don't have, and I don't care.

So. Sunday John is short, skinny, and weak. He's got a good heart and he'll stand up for himself, you know, a little. He left the orphanage because a local rancher needed people for a cattle drive, and he figured he'd learn as he goes. He's got patchy brown hair, he squints, and he's prone to getting stones in his shoes. PRINT THE LEGEND!

Movie #725: So I Married An Ax Murderer

So I Married an Ax Murderer is a 90s comedy starring Mike Myers, Nancy Travis, Amanda Plummer, Anthony LaPagilia, and Brenda Fricker, with fun cameos from Stephen Wright, Charles Grodin, Phil Hartman, Michael Richards, and Alan Arkin.

Charlie MacKenzie (Myers) is a beat poet and...actually,  Charlie's profession is never described, and it's not really important. He has this habit of dumping girlfriends when things get serious because he's afraid of commitment, and then comes up with bizarre reasons to justify it. After performing his traditional poem about his most recent ex, he meets Harriett (Travis), a mysterious and vivacious butcher (there's a phrase you don't see much), falls in love, and comes to realize that Harriett may be the serial killer known as "Mrs. X" that his mother (Fricker) warned him about! Squee!

OK, so I'll say right up front that a) this movie is fucking stupid and b) I love it very much. It's stupid because the plot doesn't hold up to even a cursory examination. If the Weekly World News put together that the three victims were married to the same woman, why did no one else? The movie actually says that all of the men and their wives were reported missing, and all of them have people that know them when poor Tony (LaPaglia) is doing a tiny bit of checking at the end of the movie. Also, sure, Charlie might be neurotic enough that he never wants to bring this up to Harriett, but no one suggests to him "hey, how about you ask her about this, frame it as a joke, and see what she says?" 

Also, you know that trope of how people in movies have fantastic apartments that they could never afford based on their jobs? The apartment that Harriett shares with her sister (the actual killer, spoilers) Rose (Plummer) is fabulous, and I don't what to think about what it would cost in San Francisco. 

But you know what? I still love the movie. I love Myers playing Charlie's father, mostly, doing his best "All Things Scottish" routine and quite obviously cracking LaPagilia up. I don't love Myers as Charlie a lot of the time, but it's not his fault, he's doing the Jim Carrey-esque loudmouth comedy (thank god his annoying "HELLO!" catchphrase never caught on) that was popular then. I love Anthony LaPagila's cop character who just wants to be an action hero, and how accommodating and friendly his captain (Arkin) is about the whole thing. It's a very quotable movie, and while it doesn't make a lot of sense, it doesn't need to. 

It might have been better if it did, of course, but it's from the same genius screenwriter who gave us In the Army Now and Grand-Daddy Day Care, so I think this might well be his magnum opus. 

My Grade: D
Rewatch Value: High

Next up: Soap Dish

Board Game: Merchants of Magick

We didn't get to play Atlantis last night, so board games ahoy!

The Game: Merchants of Magick
The Publisher: Rock Manor Games
Time: 25 minutes or so, once you get the hang of it
Players: Me, Michelle, Amanda

Man, what's wrong with my camera?

Game Play: The conceit is that you're all running a magic shoppe in a generic fantasy world. Every turn, you roll a d12, a d10, a d8, and a d6, and then use the results shown to either craft objects or research magic. Crafting objects requires a particular number or higher on the die, research a particular number or lower on the die. Also, the d6 is only useful for crafting and the d12 only useful for research. Also also, you can only use two of the four die results per turn. 

This is a lot to keep track of, but fortunately you have a handy sheet:

WELCOME TO THE SALTED GOAT!

Any given item requires 1 to 3 die results, so for example a backpack just requires a 3 or better on the d6, d8, or d10. Plate armor, on the other hand, requires three numbers: 8 or better on d6, d8, or d10, 2 or better on d6 or d8, and 8 or better on a d6.

But wait, how do you get an 8 on a d6? Every time you complete a row, you get a potion, and you can spend potions to alter die results. You can also use potions to use more than two die results (well, you can do it for free a few times). 

Into all this you've got three orders, which will be things like "Fiery Bracers" requiring you to craft both "Fiery" and "Bracers." Orders shift at the end of each turn, so you can't just focus on the three in front of you (though you can try and build the components for a particular one knowing it'll be back around eventually, unless someone else crafts it first). If you craft an order, you keep the card and replace it. 

Oh, and, everyone gets an adventurer who wants a particular set of items, and if you craft those you get some extra bonuses. 

Orders, potions, etc.

Opinions: The game itself is a lot of fun, though it doesn't lend itself to conversation (everyone takes their turns simultaneously and there's no reason to talk much). It's mostly a resource allocation game, and I enjoy those. The problem I had initially was figuring out how to remember which die rolls I'd used, because order of operations matters (if you complete a row you get a potion, which you can immediately use), but that's not a fault of the game, I just didn't parse the sheet correctly. 

The instructions could have done with a sheet showing and labeling the specific components so that we didn't have to suss out what an "order card" was, but again, it's not impossible to figure that out, it just took an extra step. 

Ultimately, if you don't mind a little math it's a fun little game. And the art is really pretty, so it's pleasing to watch the order cards go around. 

Keep? Sure.

Movie #724: Snowpiercer

Snowpiercer is a dystopian sci-fi movie directed by Bong Joon Ho and starring Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton, Ed Harris, John Hurt, Octavia Spencer, Jamie Bell, Ko Asung, Allison Pill, Marcanthonee Reis, and Song Kang-ho.

In the not so distant future, humanity's attempts to fix climate change results in the world being plunged into an icy hellscape in which no life can survive (look, at least they tried). The last survivors of humanity live aboard a train that runs constantly, completing a one-year loop around Europe and Asia. Passengers in the tail of the train are essentially prisoners, eating protein bars made of bugs and relegated to tiny bunks, and counted every day like cattle. There have been rebellions in the past as the tail passengers try to make their way forward, where first-class passengers live in opulence, but they've always bloodily failed, and the whole thing is ruled by the mysterious Wilford (Harris), which the train looks at as a messianic figure. 

Curtis (Evans) is a tail passenger who leads a rebellion with the help of Gilliam (Hurt), one of the train's designers, now stuck in the tail missing most of his limbs. He looks after a young man named Edgar (Bell), who views him as a father figure, despite Curtis' insistence that he's neither a leader nor a good man. The rebellion moves forward and most of the passengers get killed along the way (including Edgar, whom Curtis sacrifices to captured Mason (Swinton), a train higher-up to get him further along in the train), but manages to recruit Namgoong Minsoo (Kang-ho) and his daughter Yona (Asung). Minsoo designed the security doors for the train and can therefore open them, for the price of lumps of addictive chemical waste called kronole. 

In the end, Curtis makes it to the head and confronts Wilford, and learns that the whole rebellion - all the rebellions - have been set up to ensure the train's ruling class have a reason to slaughter the underclass sometimes and keep the population in balance. Now Wilford wants Curtis, who's lost everything, to become the train's new leader/god. And Curtis seems on the verge of accepting, until he realizes that the train only runs because Wilford has been pressing young children into service in the bowels of the train, using them as parts because the actual parts no longer exist, and that's about when Curtis says "fuck it" and lets Minsoo blow the whole thing off the rails.

This movie is brutal as hell. It's not just that no one has plot armor (well, Kona kinda does), but it's that a lot of the deaths of important secondary characters don't get a lot of drama. Gilliam is executed over a video feed; Tanya (Spencer), whose young son Tim (Reis) was taken to be a cog, dies in a fight so quickly it's easy to miss; even Edgar, who does have a pivotal role in the story, barely gets a lingering shot before he dies. The themes of the movie - everything is a cog in a machine that is inexorably breaking down - come through pretty clearly just from that. 

The production design is fucking amazing, and watching it again I'm a little surprised it didn't get any Oscar noms (Bong Joon Ho, of course, would later wind a bunch of Oscars for Parasite) for that or screenplay. A few points don't hold up - if all life froze, where did the polar bears come from? Why does Edgar have an Irish accent if Curtis raised him? Why is Curtis built like Captain America if he's lived his life with poor nutrition? Why can't we see more of Luke Pasqualino's character Grey, who is a fucking badass who deserves his own movie? But all of that is nitpicky; it's not meant to be hard sci-fi anyway.

Also, I remembered I haven't seen Okja or The Host yet, so I need to get on that, because Bong's movies are fantastic.

My Grade: A
Rewatch Value: Medium

Next up: So I Married An Ax Murderer

Character Creation: Hieronymus

Love the weird stuff.

The Game: Hieronymus
The Publisher: 12 Pins Press
Degree of Familiarity: Haven't played it, but the system is Forged in the Dark and I know that well
Books Required: Just the one

In Hieronymus, you're playing Medieval people (kind of) fleeing from an otherworldly Follower across worldscapes represented by the paintings of Bosch and other artists. It's surreal, it's symbolic, it's weird, it's very much my cup of tea.

I said you're playing people, kind of. The playbooks are meant to be representation of the institutions of the time, so you've got the Priest, the King, the Scoundrel, the Alchemist, and so on. Your character can be specific, but the whole setup is highly representative and literary. Probably I'll need to run this at some point. 

Anyway, making a character is very quick process - pick a playbook, add a Skill dot (like, one), add an Advance, do some backstory, boom, ready to flee the Follower. So which Playbook is my fav?

Well, I'm kinda feeling the King, honestly. Specifically, I find myself inspired by Nicolae Pătrașcu, a Prince of Wallachia. I'm not gonna delve too deep into the history, but Nicolae seemed to find himself jerked around and use as a bargaining chip quite a bit, and I'm kind of enjoying the notion of a boy king who is a pawn in machinations much bigger than himself. So, sure, King. 

My young King's name is Nikolas (after Nicolae, obvs). He's in his mid teens, he's dressed in finery, and he's very much used to everyone around him deferring to him unless his dad is in the room, in which case he doesn't exist. He's got black hair and blue eyes, and paintings of him make him look handsome, but he's actually got kind of a weak chin and weirdly spaced eyes. Draw whatever conclusion you want. 

Mechanically, Nikolas gets two dots in Analyze and one in Convince, and then I get one more. I'll put that extra point in Move; Nikolas is young and relatively fit. I get one Advance. Hmm. They're all fun, but I think Loyalty makes the most sense (once per worldscape I can have someone take a Devil's Bargain for me; if they refuse they get two stress). 

And that's actually it. Spent more time fucking with the picture than I did making the character. Form-fillable sheets, yo, look into it.

Movie #723: Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs (not "Dwarves," as I keep wanting to type) is an animated retelling of the Grimm fairy tale, starring Adriana Caselotti, Harry Stockwell, Lucille La Verne, Roy Atwell, Pinto Colvig, Billy Gilbert, Otis Harlan, Scotty Mattraw, and Stuart Buchanan. It's the first full-length animated film and Disney's first animated movie, so it's a hella trendsetter. 

You know the story: Snow White (Caselotti) is a princess forced to actually work (ew) by her evil stepmother (La Verne). Said queen is obsessed with being the "fairest" in the land, and so when Snow White actually gets prettier than her, as decided by a magic mirror (Moroni Olsen), she sends her Huntsman (Buchanan) to straight-up murder the girl and bring her Snow White's heart.

(Just in case you think old-timey cartoons didn't have an edge to them. I mean, it's nowhere near as bloody as the source material, but still.)

Snow White pulls a Simba and flees into the woods, eventually winding up at the home of the titular seven dwarfs (Atwell, Colvig, Gilbert, Halrlan, and Mattraw in various combination, plus James MacDonald for some yodeling), odd little men that mine gems all day. She agrees to keep house for them in exchange for asylum, but then the next day immediately loses her damn mind and invites an obviously evil witch into her house and bites an apple that sends her into a "sleeping death." The dwarfs chase the witch to her death (like I said, kinda dark), Prince Charming (Stockwell) rocks up and smooches the dead girl, happily ever after.

Snow White, like a lot of early Disney stuff, gets flak nowadays, but it gets flak for tropes of fairy tails, which is a silly thing to fixate on. It's weird that the prince kisses a (supposed) corpse, but it's weird that Snow White can command the loyalty of forest creatures and that's never remarked on, either. It's a children's story, sanitized somewhat from the source material, yes, and with a bunch of very marketable characters included, but it's actually a lot closer to the source material than, say, Frozen. 

Watching the movie now, I'm struck by how well the animation holds up. Sure, Snow White and the Prince both look like they're in different movies than the Queen and the Dwarfs, but maybe that's deliberate, as magical creatures just read differently? Also, the early sequence with Snow White running through the woods and seeing branches grab her and logs turn into gators would have been fucking horrifying in 1937, and it's fun to imagine the people of that era who'd never seen a full-length animated movie marveling at it (my father saw Fantasia when it opened in 1942 and used to tell us how the "Night on Bald Mountain" scared the hell out of him). 

The songs are kind of insipid, unfortunately, and likewise this was before villains had to have motivation or character traits beyond "villain." It's simplistic, but it's supposed to be, and it's always interesting to watch foundational media and see what it's influenced and how it's regarded after nearly a century. 

My Grade: B+
Rewatch Value: Low

Next up: Snowpiercer

Pugmire: Rotten Rats

Yesterday we did some doggie. No, wait. Here's last time.

The characters arrive in Waterdog Port and bid farewell to the riverboat dog that brought them. They need to find a way to make some money to buy passage to Port Matthew, but mostly they're interested in seeing a new town, so they split up a bit. 

Petunia Pibble finds herself amazed by the birds - there just aren't any in Pugmire, but here there are many, mingling with the dogs and cats and rats and mice and lizards and so on. Falling back on her old Pibble charm, she walks right up to one and introduces herself. Fortunately she is very charming, and the parrot - one Timias of the Three Sunsets - is happy to chat with her.

He tells her a little about the town, some of which she'd already heard from Crabber Hound - Bernese Marina is expensive, Old Barrio is dangerous. She's also fascinated by the wood and metal devices he wears on a strap on his chest. He explains how these "pistols" work, and Petunia asks if there's any use for them outside of killing. "Making a loud noise," he says, "but otherwise not really. Things are dangerous out at sea."

He also tells her that, since she's looking for some plastic, there's an opportunity afoot, one that he would pursue himself but that his ship, the Night Star is leaving today. One of the Luminaries (governors) of Waterdog, one Erwin Sharpei, is offering a truly obscene amount of plastic for a object called the Flask of Bobby Golden. Trouble is, no one knows where it is. Petunia thanks him, and wanders off into the city to try and find affordable lodging.

Peppa Papillon heads into the North Barrio to the Temple of Man. She meets a tall dog with a long snoot named Brother Aigor Afghan (the dog, not the snoot), who welcomes her talks with her about the Church in Waterdog Port. "It's a town full of pirates," he says, "so what it means to be a Good Dog can be a little...fuzzy." Peppa does some work at their kitchen for the rest of the day, happy to be serving.

Gelert Sausagedog heads to the Sunset Barrio to try and do some busking and drum up some money. He asks around a bit about whether there's a system for finding a corner, and is directed to the Grape Theater to talk to one Barnabas Amber, a rat who, though not "in charge" as such, knows the lay of the land. Barnabas recommends a corner a few blocks over; not busy now, but around sunset gets very trafficked and there's enough space to do the acrobatics that Sausagedog has in mind. 

Dire Newfoundland, once their feline charges have someplace to chill out, heads into the North Barrio, the crime-ridden "bad" section of town. Boomer Pitbull follows, figuring that no one should got into this place alone. Dire is looking for someone, someone that he thinks might well have already risen through the criminal ranks, but won't tell Boomer who she is. They don't have any luck finding this person, mostly because the rats and mice they find (that seems to be who lives in the Haze) don't stop to talk. They do note that the acidic fog degrades everything and makes the air taste funny, though - this is rough place to live.

They find a market street and talk to an old, blind mouse selling powders and spices and so on. Boomer asks if she has anything to enhance his rage, and she mixes him a potion - drink it off, she says, and it'll put some real power behind his anger. Dire asks for more deadly ingredients, but she replies "such mortal drugs I have, but Waterdog's law is death to any mouse that utters them." (And Cael got the reference, I was so proud. Fun fact: I played the Apothecary in the worst production of Romeo & Juliet when I was in college.) Dire buys a couple of drugs that will have a catnip effect on dogs and birds, and they take their leave of the drug-mouse. They also notice, as they're leaving the Haze, that rats and mice don't seem to be mixing, and indeed seem to be deliberately avoiding one another.

Everyone meets up at the temple and talks a little about their day. They've been there a little while when a bird arrives and asks for "Petunia." When Petunia identifies herself, he presents her (with a flourish) with a letter from "Zanna of the Four Audacities." She reads it and finds that Zanna, another of the city's Luminaries, has invited them to dine at her home in the Sunset Barrio.

They follow the bird across town and to Zanna's house. The dogs were perhaps expecting opulence, but it's actually very simple - she doesn't have enough seating for all of them, for which she apologizes. She gives them food and drink and explains what she needs. 

They may have heard, of course, that Erwin Sharpei is offering a lot of money for the Flask of Bobby Golden. He's let that much be known, with the result that there are bands of pirates blundering around looking for it, but no one really has a lead. Zanna does have a lead, and she wants to act as the group's patron (they're Pioneers, and Zanna, as a former adventurer, trusts them more than other pirates). She wants to use the money to build up the Haze and improve things generally into Waterdog. She doesn't have a lot of plastic to throw around, but her name means something and she's happy to extend her line of credit and reputation to the characters while they're here, letting them get food, lodging, and equipment without paying for it. Indeed, she can even arrange for passage to Port Matthew for them. Finally, she'll arrange for Pickles von Shadow to be incarcerated while they're here, so that Amaranth von Rex, Pickles' captor, can have a bit of a rest.

The characters agree - this is very much their kind of job anyway, working to improve things for the downtrodden. Zanna tells them what she knows. The Flask was on Bobby Golden's ship when it sunk, and was supposedly salvaged by a team of rats. The last she knew, the Flask was the in Haze, and Brutus, the de facto leader of the rats, is probably the one to ask about it. But there has been a lot of violence in the Haze of late, and the rumor is that the rats are getting aggressive, beating up or just making disappear people who go to do business with them. 

That's not a great lead, but it's more than anyone else has! The characters head to an inn that Zanna recommends, check into rooms, and head into the Haze. They discover that the Haze is difficult to navigate. Signs aren't legible, streets and piers dead-end into the swamp, and piles of debris are everywhere. They also notice that new construction piles on old, as buildings degrade very quickly in all this. They make their way into Cypressroot, the neighborhood at the heart of the Haze, and find the most impressive building - a veritable stronghold, maintained constantly against the Haze. That must be Brutus' home.

There are heavily armed rats guarding it, however. They talk to the guards and Sausagedog asks for audience, implying that they have information that might be interesting. The guards allow that if they know who's spreading these nasty rumors about rats beating people up randomly, that might be something Brutus wants to talk about, but "if you say you've got information and then you don't, that works out bad for you and me, you see?" Sausagedog confers with his friends, and they decide they'd better have a good reason to press the issue before they press the issue.

They continue looking around the Haze and find a store called Gek's Garments, run by a lizard named Gek. He's fitting a couple of mice for waistcoats, and explains that if the get holes, bring them back, he'll fix them! The characters browse a little ("I don't have anything that will fit you," he says, staring at Dire), but when they ask about rat/mouse tensions Gek makes an excuse and heads for the back of the store. They ask his mouse customers, and hearing that if you want to do business with rats, you go to Swampwalk - but beware, they've been really violent lately. 

The characters decide to get a good night's sleep rather than wandering into "Swampwalk" during the night - sounds dangerous. They head back to the inn and comb the acid out of their fur, and in the morning, they head back into the Haze and promptly get lost. 

Well, not lost, they just don't know where they are. Sausagedog hears people-noises and they follow that, and arrive at an inn called Harv's Hideaway. As they approach, they see five rats kicking a single mouse. Sausagedog bonks one on the head with his staff and the rats turn around ready for violence, but then see Dire drawing a greatsword and decide this isn't a fight they want. They scatter into the Haze and Peppa helps the little mouse up. She introduces herself as Claire, and offers to buy them a drink.

She explains that the rats, for some reason, thought she knew something about this whole "rats are being violent" rumor and decided to beat it out of her. (The dogs acknowledge the irony here.) Claire isn't sure where the rumors started; this incident aside she doesn't think it's as bad as people are saying. But she does confirm that Swampwalk - specifically the Murky Alley - is where you need to go to do business with rats. The dogs ask what she does, and she dodges the question a little; she's a messenger, a go-between. That might be why the rats thought she'd know something? It might, she says.

The dogs head out into the Haze, into Swampwalk, across the bridges and ropes that lead into the Middle Marsh. They quickly find themselves isolated from any other people - no one comes here unless they have a specific reason. Petunia spots odd footprints, something with five toes that moves like a frog but has weird feet. She follows the prints to the edge of the dock, and then something reaches up and grabs her head!

The creature is a frog the size of a person, but covered in hair and with a simian face. It tries to yank Petunia into the bog, but she stands her ground, and then a horde of the hideous things crawls up at the characters! They get in some nasty bites, mostly to Peppa, but all of the dogs are able to fight them off - Dire cleaves one in twain with his greatsword, Dire fells a couple with his ax, Petunia zaps the one holding her right back into the swamp with a Magic Missile, Peppa conjures a magic staff to bonk one, and Sausagedog, while not having enough room to engage in his usual swashbuckling, still manages to kill one or two with his new hand ax. Dire throws one of their heads into the swamp in triumph, and watches as the multitude of the frog-monkeys still in the murk swarm it and eat it. "Well, that's nightmarish." 

The dogs move on into Murky Alley - indeed, it's labeled with the only readable sign they've seen. There are a few crates labeled with the crest of Brutus (they recognize it from his stronghold), but then Boomer gets closer and realizes that these symbols were crudely painted, not stenciled. He jiggles one of the crates and finds that it's empty, just weighted down with some rocks. This is a setup.

Sausagedog notices the footprints this time, but these aren't frog-monkey prints. They're huge, four-toed, reptilian prints, something quadrupedal that comes up out of the swamp. "I've read about these," he says. "Allo-dile? Crocogator? They have big chompy-chompy mouths and they make a noise like...

...that."

The characters steel themselves.

Blue Rose: The Finale, Now With Sea Dragons!

Yesterday we finished up our Blue Rose story run by my son Cael, in his inaugural foray into GMing. Here's last time!

Our heroes spend some time cleaning up the reef, recruiting help from the village of Ray'fin. They try and clean the mold above a certain depth, hoping to keep the mysterious and terrible sleeping leviathan to the deeps. 

The annual feast day in the surface village of Amber Bay rolls around, and still no mold-pocalypse. The characters head up on land to walk around. Well, Adad and Makala walk. Gali stays in the water with her dolphin friends, and Greeni crawls into a bucket and brachiates or uses Move Object to hover around. 

The craftsmen of the village have their wares on display, and so Makala goes looking for a new she can use in combat. She finds one that's really meant for fishing, but spends a little time altering it with weights so it'll work as an entangling weapon. 

Adad is accompanying two of his younger siblings (younger sister Zho and little brother Po), and his two niblings, the twins Tyll and Fyll. As such, he's spending a lot of the time at the feast reminding them that while in the water things tend to sink gently, on land they just drop so they need to be careful what they handle. 

As they're walking around the village, Zho finds a shop with an intricately carved door, but no one is in evidence and there's no indication of what the shop might sell. She asks if she can go in; Adad tells her maybe knock first. She does, and the door creeeeaks open to reveal a store full of weird trinkets and curiosities. 

As they're looking around, a man with a great big bushy beard and an eyepatch pops out and welcomes them to the shop. This is the place to purchase the peculiar treasures of the sea! He shows Adad a gold spyglass that makes things glow, maybe some kind of aura-reader. Adad shows interest, but it's far too expensive. The man shows him a potion that, he claims, is a way to make psychic contact with any mind, no matter how powerful. Adad knows a little something about such magic, and reflecting that making contact with the immensely powerful being in the deeps might be necessary, buys it. And then he gets the kids the heck out of that store before the ancient Aldin maxim of "ya break it, ya buy it" becomes relevant.

Greeni, meanwhile, finds a stall with a bunch of octopi hung up from hooks! Initially horrified, they realize that these are children's toys made from fabric. They talk with the proprietor (who is remarkably chill about mental communication with an octopus in a bucket), and explains that one can pay money to take part in a competition to win one of these. Greeni isn't really interesting in winning a stuffed octopus (they find it a little creepy, honestly), but then the man pulls out a stuffed human doll and they're all about that! Greeni mentally contacts Adad (as Greeni has no money), and Adad walks up, each hand being tugged by a five-year-old. 

Adad pays for a go, and Greeni has to fling balls at bottles full of liquid. Get one in the bottle, win the prize! Greeni tries twice just hurling the ball and manages to hit and knock over the bottle, but on the last try casts Move Object and guides their throw a bit more, winning! The man pulls out a doll to give to Greeni, this one with a mild enchantment that will keep it from getting waterlogged.

The characters meet back up by the water's edge (where Gali has been taking part in some rhy-fen competition involving juggling), and relax for the feast. The leader of the village gives a brief speech and is about to start the festivities, when an underwater quake nearly knocks them all over! The characters spring into action - Makala tosses Greeni into the water and dives in, and Adad hands his charges over to his older brother Adz and follows. The swim down towards the quake and see...mold, creeping toward Ray'fin. The mold has even formed into three distinct entities, two fairly small blobs and one humanoid sized creature. And these molds aren't interested in discourse! 

(Mold Discourse is my psychedelic jam Nirvana cover band.)

Greeni swims straight for the biggest one and casts Cure, remembering that this healing spell was damaging to the mold. And it works! The mold bubbles and disintegrates, but more fills the void. Makala and Gali follow up with spear and snout-slams, and Adad summons a psychic staff and bonks one of the mold-blobs. The mold defends itself, striking back at the characters and sapping energy, but the main one (his name is Harold. OK, it's "the Ebony's Herald") mentally dominates Makala. Adad quickly snaps her out of it; having their best and most dangerous warrior under the mold's control would end this fight quickly!

The heroes battle mold, fighting it to a standstill and destroying the two minor blobs, but the Herald flows back against the cliff wall and absorbs more of the mold, healing itself. And then the rumbling starts anew, and the heroes realize the creature in the deeps is waking up. Greeni grabs the potion off Adad's belt and quaffs it, and reaches out to the leviathan below. The shopkeeper wasn't lying; Greeni is immediately able to make contact.

The leviathan's mind is a maze of shattered mirrors - grief, loss, time, and most of all, hunger. Greeni tries to sort through it and help the creature awaken, and Adad joins them (linking first to Greeni's mind and then piggybacking through to the leviathan). They focus on the hunger, trying to bring the creature to consciousness, while Makala and Gali keep the Herald busy...and finally, it works.

The sea dragon's head emerges from the caves below and it devours the Herald in one bite. It brings Gali and Makala into the mental conversation and reveals who and what it is - Roara, once the protector of these reefs, worshiped by the bustling metropolis of Ray'fin thousands of years ago. Once she was bedecked in gold and gems, with carvings of her on every wall, but then...

She had pups, she says, and she turned her attention away for a moment. She doesn't reveal exactly what happened, but her overwhelming feeling of loss is clear. She succumbed to her hunger and slept for too long. 

She slurps up the rest of the mold, and the characters ask if she would like to meet the people who live here now. She rises them up to the surface, and her head breaches just as a group of rhy-fen are dancing for the people of Amber Bay. The Sea Dragon has returned! 

(Roll credits over Roara rest her head on the beach as the bravest of the children of Amber Bay and Ray'fin climb on her face-fins.)

Character Creation: Sleepaway

Not a slasher-horror game, but not a million miles from that either.

The Game: Sleepaway
The Publisher: Possum Creek Games
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one

Sleepaway is a Belonging Without Belonging game, which basically means it's GMless PbtA. Moves are either Strong, Normal, or Weak - Weak gives you tokens, Strong costs tokens. I played one of these at Origins some years back (I think it was Dream Askew?), and as GMless go I think it's a good approach. 

This particular game is an odd duck; you're playing counselors at a summer camp and trying to protect them from the Lindworm, a monster that flays people alive and sometimes wears their skin. The game has a weird mashup of magical realism and body horror, and I'm intrigued by it, though I have a couple of (very minor) niggles.

One is that the game spends too much time telling us that summer camps are racist and colonialist. I don't disagree (I attended any number of summer camps with co-opted Native names in my youth), but I think it probably would have been better to have one page in the book say it, explain it, get it out of the way, and not remind us about it so much. The other is that the Lindworm is a shared responsibility but you determine who's acting for (never roleplaying as) the Lindworm with some card draws involving closing eyes and it all feels very Are You a Werewolf just in terms of logistics. It's a game that, were I to host it, I'd need to check out some actual plays so I can get a sense of how it looks at the table, but fortunately there are a bunch of those. 

So anyway, let's make a character. This is pretty straightforward - pick a playbook and answer the questions. I'm gonna go with the Ropeskeeper, the counselor that handles the ropes course. They're portrayed as being stoic and sort of distant, and it calls to mind a counselor I knew at Camp Innisfree (long defunct summer camp I really loved as a kid; it's shown up in a lot of games and fiction of mine over the years). He was a former stand-up comedian and he had that "make a joke to deflect real emotion" energy about him. I'm kinda feeling that today. 

Name: I'm gonna go with "a name said thoughtfully" and say he's called "Diggs." None of the campers know if that's first name, last name, or nickname. He doesn't like "Mister" appended to it, though, but he generally laughs it off if someone does say it. 

Look: Dull eyes, wiry body, that's easy. Diggs has a deadpan, Nate Bargatze-like delivery when he speaks. 

Describe Your Gender: And then there this list:

This feels like a Gen Z thing that I'm not fully hip to. The book explains it, kind of; you might be a man but are you more (in this case) Hermit or Sailor? I think Diggs actually feels kind of Sailor to me; sociable but not social, full of yarns but not a lot of real connection.

How the Woods First Helped: Helped what? It's not specified, and there's no example of chargen. Mrph. I think let's throw Diggs into the deep end and say "The Lindworm was trying to kill [him]." There was a rope tied to a branch that had once sported a tire swing, but it was far too high to reach. The Woods lowered it so that Diggs could climb up, away from the Lindworm. Maybe he dreamed it.

Choose the Woods' Impact: Keeps promises with sunlight. I like that, even if it's a little overtly cheerful for Diggs.

Choose Why You Still Have Friends: I don't fucking know...oh, right, Diggs. He's funny.

Next bit is ask other peoples, but I don't have those, so that's basically it. Diggs is wiry, lean, sandy hair and muddy eyes. He's a got a flat delivery and you have to listen to him to find him funny. He wakes up early and goes to the ropes course to check all the knots and connections, because the ropes course might be a way to escape something horrible and he wants to make sure it's ready. 

Movie #722: Sneakers

Sneakers is a caper film starring Robert Redford, Mary McDonnell, River Phoenix, Sidney Poitier, Dan Aykroyd, David Strathairn, Ben Kingsley, and James Earl Jones. 

Martin Brice (Redford, Gary Hershberger as a younger man) narrowly escapes getting busted by the FBI in college and goes underground. Years later, as Martin Bishop, he runs a ragtag crew of thieves and hackers including ex-CIA Crease (Poitier), blind phreak Whistler (Strathairn), young intern/hacker Carl (Phoenix), and conspiracy theorist Mother (Akroyd) as penetration testers (lol). And that's all well and good, but then the NSA hires them to steal a little black box from a mathematician (Donal Logue) and they wind up mixed up in a shadowy plot leading back to Martin's old partner Cosmo (Kingsley), who's been working for the mob for decades and is intent on using the black box to destroy the world's economy.

One thing I really like about this movie is that they manage to craw several heists/capers into it, rather than having it all lead up to one big one that gets revealed as we go. We get to see them doing their job by robbing a bank, stealing the black box (which involves not only physical hacking but some social engineering), stealing the box again from Cosmo, and then escaping from that whole clusterfuck. It's several different types of action/heist scenes, but everyone has their specialty and we understand those skills enough that when characters have to step outside them, it's actually meaningful. 

Sneakers comes out of the same team and some of the same mindset as War Games - the future shock coming with the realization that threat and dangerous people are more likely to use computers and data to wreak havoc than weapons and literal destruction (or using one to get to the other, I guess). What's interesting is that the plot holds up pretty well - sure, the tech is outdated, but the idea of information being the new currency and the new weapons is perfectly relevant. And of course the movie is so well cast that the performances hold up, too. There's real chemistry amongst the cast, and when Mary McDonnell's Liz comes back to the group, it feels like a reunion with some stakes and some history.

In fact, the only two things about the movie I found...quaint, watching now, are a) that anyone is reverently afraid of the mafia and b) that the NSA didn't just shoot them all or disappear them and take the black box, rather than bargaining and giving them presents. But if you're going to have a deus ex machina, I guess you could do worse than James Earl Jones. 

My Grade: B+
Rewatch Value: High

Next up: Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

Wicked Ones: Intense Negotiation

Very brief session of Wicked Ones last night, following last time's foray into gnome terror. 

Our heroes (so to speak), pursuing their master plan, are trying to make the Sepulcher of Suffering a pilgrimage destination for the Dark Folk. As such, they have invite the Duke of Salvage, the ruler of Bartertown, to the Sepulcher for negotiation on putting a shrine to the Dark Three in his town and setting up trade and travel between their various places. 

The Duke of Salvage - a nasty, arrogant, long-limbed bugbear - arrives with his two bugbear killers. They all sit round a table in the entrance hall of the Sepulcher, and the Duke, feet on the table, quaffing Pit Wine, demands to know why he should allow a shrine to these gods in Bartertown. 

Baldruf tells him that more traffic is better for both places - more traffic means more money, more money, more trouble. The Duke laughs this off; he doesn't feel like the "Dark Three" are worth his time and this whole just seems weak. Baldruf notes that the Duke wears a medallion of Gorlag, the Blessed Emperor, the God of Conquest and Tyranny. He's not going to respect or even deal with anyone he doesn't see as an equal.

Thudd brings the Duke a mug of ale that they've drugged - not to do anything harmful, but just to introduce a little chaos. Thudd extols the virtues of Nezame, the Joyful Hedonist, and advises the Duke to lighten up a bit and take pleasure in the worship. The Duke quaffs the ale, and does indeed loose up, but also follows his first impulse (as Thudd put a couple of drops of Outburst Draught in that beer), grabs Thudd by the throat, and shakes them vigorously in a friendly bugbear kind of way.

"Hey!" says Fnort. "Put down that imp!" He charges over, grabs one of the killers, and tosses him towards the mimic in the corner (presently disguised as a tithing box. The mimic opens up and glomps onto the bugbear, chewing but not eating, and the Duke laughs boisterously and drops Thudd. Fnort signals to the mimic and it releases the bugbear.

During all this, Yog-en-Yeg has been getting ready. He comes up in a sparkly outfit with all of the imps of the Sepulcher in costume, and during a blistering drum solo they do an interpretive dance depicting the last major battle involving Bartertown and how the Duke of Salvage utterly dominated. Unbeknownst to the Duke, however, this whole dance routine is cover for an invocation to the three that subtly shifts the Duke's mind, making him view the Sepulcher as equals, rather than inferiors. Once the number is over, the Duke applauds, demands more ale, and then unfurls a map of Bartertown. "All right then!" he bellows. "Where should we put this shrine?"

Following this agreement, the Wicked Ones all throw a drunken rager that winds up costing some gold to cover/repair, but it's very worth it. Over the weeks that follow, they work on improving the dungeon more - they build a prison (Yog-en-Yeg and Baldruf clear the rooms, while Thudd makes the locks) and a room for the kobold guards to hang out (Fnort finds it; there's only one entrance to the room and it involves crawling through the crevasse in the entrance hall, past Mr. Tentacles). Thudd finishes the clockwork groom for Pearl, his horse/husband, and life in the Sepulcher seems to be going well.

The Wicked Ones decide they are ready to escalate their plan to become the Dark Megachurch, as it were. They don't want to make the Sepulcher a public space, which means they effectively need a small town outside it. They decide to invade what remains of Ikae's Refuge, capture the remaining citizens, conscript them, and drive them as a captive army against the Light-aligned town of Charter Hollow.

This is very much the most aggressive and overt action the Sepulcher has taken. Let's see how it plays out.

Movie #721: Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane is a creature feature/lesson nobody learned from the early aughts starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Philips, Flex Alexander, Sunny Mabrey, Byron Lawson, David Koechner, Bobby Cannavale, Bruce James, Kenan Thompson, and actually a lot of other people. 

Sean (Philips) witnesses mob boss/Mortal Kombat villain Eddie Kim (Lawson) murder a prosecutor in Hawai'i. He's immediately scooped up by FBI Agent Neville Flynn (Jackson) and put on a plane to Los Angeles to testify against the notoriously slippery Kim. Kim, having exhausted all possible options - getting a bomb onto the plane, putting a dude on the plane to kill Sean, hiring a dude to shoot Sean in LA, NONE OF THESE WOULD WORK - arranges to have a special cargo of venomous snakes from all over the world on the plane, sprays the leis that passengers are given with a chemical to make them super-aggressive, and then sets a timer to open the cargo when the plane is at the mid-point of the journey. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

The snakes are released, havoc ensues, many people are bitten and kitten in gruesome fashion, Jackson gets to the say the iconic line ("I have had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!"), a passenger who's a fan of flight simulators (Thompson) lands the plane, everyone zooms down the "my fun day at Chuck E. Cheese" inflatable slide, it's glorious. 

Snakes on a Plane is not a good movie. It was never meant to be a good movie. It was meant to be a cheesy horror movie with a perhaps original premise, and then the Internet got hold of it, and it because REALLY ALL-CAPS IMPORTANT that it was rated R, that the title stayed, and that Samuel L. Jackson got to refer to "motherfucking snakes." And so they did some reshoots, added some gore and some profanity, and in August 2006 it came out. I know because I was there. And here we get into the lesson nobody learned - people on the Internet who say "oh hey wouldn't it be funny if" do not spend money on the thing they think would be funny. Making memes and shitposting is free. Actually going out to a movie is not. 

So ignoring all of that, let's look at the movie on its own merits! The biggest problem, I think, is that the most interesting characters in the movie are Margulies' Claire (a flight attendant on her last run before going to law school), Bobby Cannavale's Hank (an FBI agent recently out of the field who still craves the action), and Eddie Kim (a young, ruthless, criminal mastermind who's enough of a madman to concoct this scheme but organized enough to pull it off). Jackson's Flynn is entertaining, but we don't learn much about him other than he's from Tennessee and he's got a failed marriage, but he's played by Sam Jackson so we listen to every damn word he says. 

Nathan Philips plays the hero/human MacGuffin of the movie, the hapless surfer Sean, and that could have been an interesting role. This is a kid who did nothing wrong, and is having his life upended because if he doesn't, he's complicit in Kim's violence, but now by agreeing to testify, innocent people around him are dying horribly. And that conflict should drive an arc, but unfortunately a) the role has no meat and b) Nathan Philips seems to have left his charisma in his other shorts. It doesn't help that he's just a schlubby white guy with no particular pizzazz, but honestly even a really exciting actor would have had trouble with the role. So you can kinda see why much of the action focuses on the passengers of the plane.

Like any disaster movie, we've got a colorful assortment of characters - the germaphobe rapper (Anderson), the rich and somewhat vapid woman (Rachel Blanchard) with the dog in her purse (alas poor Mary Kate), the sonofabitch that feeds the dog to a snake to save himself (Gerard Plunkett) and then is immediately eaten by a mutant anaconda, the lovely young woman (Elsa Pataky) with her baby who uses Foreign People Magic to save a little point (Daniel Hogarth) from a snakebite, and so on. The real stories in the movie live here, but they stay separate from Sean and Flynn for so long that the stories never really coalesce with the main plotline.

And then there's the snakes. Of course, you can't have venomous snakes on a set, so while there were a lot of real snakes used in the movie, most of the money shots were CGI, and um, it doesn't hold up. But get past that and focus on the snakes biting nipples, dicks, and eyeballs, and, well, it's a creature feature. Problems with effects are part of the tradition.

In conclusion, it's a perfect movie, 10/10, no notes, there's a plane, it's got snakes on it, boom.

My Grade: My first impulse is A, but it's more like C- if I'm honest
Rewatch Value: High

Next up: Sneakers

Character Creation: GUTS+

Why didn't the skeleton go to the horror movie? Because he didn't have the guts! 

The Game: GUTS+
The Publisher: Robbie Antenesse
Degree of Familiarity: None, but it's only 30 pages long
Books Required: Just the one

GUTS+ is yet another "universal" system without much to recommend it. That sounds harsh, but it's not really meant to be.

Games like this, and so many others I've read, I wish I could have had them when I was in high school or early college. It's not that lots of games didn't exist, but the internet didn't, meaning that games like GUTS+ weren't practical. The closest you really got was GURPS, and GURPS was an intimidating 300 page beast with a billion sourcebooks (yes, I'm aware that you don't need all or even any of said sourcebooks, but that's not the point). 

Meanwhile, GUTS+ is perfectly playable. It's not as simple as it thinks it is - I'll get to that - but I'm pretty sure that when we were playing TSR's Marvel Superheroes and occasionally trying to parse Palladium games or Bushido this would have been a nice change of pace. And more to the point, it was open in a way that most games weren't - GUTS+, like a lot of latter-day universal systems, leans into the "do what you want!" style of game design. 

Anyway, there's a perfectly cromulent sample situation in the GM section. To wit, we're on a space ship doing a supply run, the computer's AI has woken us up because there's a problem in the cargo bay ("one of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on treadle!"), and it turns out there's a little alien creature bouncing around eating through whatever it comes into contact with. It's not a million miles from Alien, or the Dread scenario "Beneath the Metal Sky". (Man, I should run Dread again.)

So let's make a character for said scenario! That means my basic setup is relatively realistic sci-fi, no magic or cyberpunk-level implants. I gotta say, the character sheet is on point. 

Well, in a scenario this like, I think it'd be fun to play a young worker on his first off-world run. Let's call him Carmine (he's Italian! Or space-Italian, I dunno). Carmine Buono has been working on the asteroid belt colony where he lives (where he was born, probably) for most of his life, and has been pushing for an off-world run for a lot of that time. Finally, they let him go - he's trained as a water miner (one of the things this supply ship is bringing back is water), so let's say he's trained in things like water purification, chemical analysis, and fluid dynamics. Good start!

Everything in GUTS+ is based on Qualities. The first four are Gumption, Utility, Thought, and Slyness, and the descriptions could use some work (Gumption is described as "go-getter-ness", which, c'mon, there are so many real words you could have used). I need to also add at least one custom Quality to reflect Carmine's particular skills or knowledge, and I can add up to three. And then I get 3 points to add into Qualities (they all start at 1). 

In play, we'd roll d6s equal to the Quality in question (there's some talk about adding Qualities together, but it's never really clear a) if that's standard or an exception or b) if you're limited to two). If you're doing a check, you're looking at the numbers being shown (1 is "negative impact," 5 is "success" - it's kind of similar to Forged in the Dark). If you're doing a contest, you add up all the dice and compare your total to your opponent's, highest total determines outcome. 

I said earlier that the system isn't as simple as it thinks it is. Right there, the game is using two different kinds of resolution. Being assisted by someone uses yet another, while if you roll doubles you roll more dice. None of it is complex, exactly, but there are a lot of discrete things to remember. And the optional magic system is the most detailed and elaborate thing in the book (which kinda makes me think that that's what the game should be about, but whatever). 

Anyway! Back to Carmine. I think his fifth Quality should reflect his training, so let's call it "Water Science" (I'm not calling it "Hydrology" because that's mostly concerned with water's movements, and Carmine's training is deeper but more specific.) I'll also give him a "Repair" Quality; I think Carmine might be or become a bit of a grease monkey. 

Three points to spread around! I think I'll put a point into Gumption, a point into Utility, and a point into Water Science. 

Next thing is just clothing and accessories, and I can kinda just pick these. Well, actually, the sample scenario wants me to pick a role and base inventory on that, but I want to customize a little more so I'm gonna use standard chargen. Carmine's wearing blue coveralls and work boots, he's got an anchor belt (no gravity on the ship), and he's got a bandana on his head. He's wearing a leather strap with a wooden cross around his neck (metal jewelry isn't allowed on the ship). 

And then inventory! I can have 5 things in my pockets and 5 things in a bag. Let's say Carmine's "bag" is his away kit, so it's got a water purification testing kit, an antidote injector, a level, a miniature microscope, and a stun gun (standard issue; never know what kind of wildlife you'll find). In his pockets, he's got an anchor line (there's no gravity in the ship), a pack of ginger gum, a hydro-meter (measures relative humidity in the air), gloves, and a sample collecting kit.

That's all the numbers-y stuff. Carmine is 20. He's got black hair and blue eyes, and he's a toucher - he taps walls and objects when he walks (or floats) by them, and his impulse is to reach out and touch people on the shoulder or arm while's talking to them, but he's trying to unlearn that. If he's nervous he talks loudly and gesticulates. 

And that's actually it! 

Movie #720: Snake People

Snake People, variously known as Isle of the Snake People or La Muerte Viviente!) is a Mexican horror movie starring Boris Karloff, Julissa, Carlos East, Rafael Bertrand, Tongolele, Quintin Bulnes, and Santanón. It's pretty goddamn weird. 

On a remote island (that has a name but I never caught it), the local people practice "Voodoo," which bears very little resemblance to the real-world religion but includes hold very pissed-off snakes and jiggling around, human sacrifice, a cadre of cannibal women, and a mysterious unseen cult leader name Damballah who controls the worship of the dark god, Baron Samedi. So we're already treading on some pretty thin ice here.

Captain Labische (Bertrand) arrives on this island from Paris with a remit to bring law and order to the land! He brings with him Annabelle Vandenberg (Julissa), the niece of the island's white patriarch Carol van Molder (Karloff), who is an insufferable teetotaller and wants to bring sobriety to the godless natives. They meet Lieutenant Wilhelm (East), the local law who's pretty much content to just drink banana liquor (the specific drink is never identified, but it's reportedly made from bananas and sugar) and hang out with his shirt open. 

Of course, Labische's attempts to bring law and order to the island end horribly because the natives are quite willing to murder some motherfuckers. There's a magical ritual approaching, in which Damballah (also Karloff, or at least his body double) will summon Baron Samedi and take over the world! Or something. In any case Annabelle falls for Wilhelm and Labische straps a bunch of explosives on himself and falls in the ritual fire, blowing everything the hell up.

The story behind this movie is weird. Karloff was contracted for four Mexican movies with Luis Enrique Vergara (a Mexican film producer), but was too ill to travel to Mexico City to film, so they filmed his stuff in Hollywood and spliced it all together. The movie itself is even weirder. It gives me later-stage Ed Wood vibes; it's clearly made with some earnestness, and there's one guy in the room who's a seasoned movie star (that'd be Karloff) but the movie itself just drags on and one. We jump away to long-ass scenes of Tongolele dancing while holding a snake while Santanón looks on and salivates. And then of course there's the narration by the whitest man imaginable, telling us about the sordid "superstition" of voodoo and the "black magic" of Baron Samedi.

The movie is Mexican, and was released in Spanish-language theaters before being dubbed into English. I do wonder if the movie's dialog makes more sense in Spanish? But I have only the dubbed version to go by, and with what we have, there's a weird little colonialism theme going on. Like, the white, grouchy Frenchman obsessed with "law and order" and the super-moralistic white woman come to this "primitive" island to try and fix things, but like, the people on the island are eating people, so? But then again, the ultimate puppet master behind the cult of the Snake People is another white dude. Does any of this mean anything? Was any of it deliberate? It's hard to know and I've already spent a lot more time on this than it deserves.

The movie is fun to make fun of, and my only regret is that we watched it late enough that I didn't want to open a bottle of wine.

My Grade: F
Rewatch Value: IINSIAIFWT

Next up: Snakes on a Plane

Cairn: Murder in Springtime

A new spring in Cairn! Here's last time.

Winter melts away, and the citizens of Cairn emerge from hibernation (or y'know, just being homebodies). The Traveling Knights get together on the first day of spring and traipse out of town to go wake up Desayd, the dryad. On the way, they chat about their winter activities - Ratatosk Longberry, in particular, has been fermenting and storing foodstuff, and Rumdiggle Sunsong is interested in the process. She's also been thinking about animal husbandry and how that might work in Cairn.

As they're walking through the forest, a voice says "Halt! Who goes there?" The look up and see Ladd Ringtail, the rat guardsman and protege of Russelet Leatherwind (introduced waaaay back here). He slides down a rope to the ground; he was on night watch and he's headed home.

They arrive at the tree and Russelet forages a bit to find some berries to offer the tree. Rummy plays a song, and Desayd steps out of the tree and stretches. She chats with the Knights, and tells them of a strange dream she had. In the dream, she was a flying creature, soaring over familiar landscape, and something was chasing her. She couldn't describe the hunter, but she knew it - it was a familiar creature, and it was hungry, but she couldn't turn to see it lest it catch her. She warns the Knights that she seldom dreams, much less like this, and worries it might be a portent. 

The Knights head back to town, and someone yells to Snootabur Shadowbough that the Lord Mayor wants to see her. She goes to see Keeble Brownberry, the Lord Mayor - he wants to go over plans for the earthwork amphitheater that Snoot wanted to make. They'll need to wait until the ground thaws a bit, but it's good to have a plan. 

A few weeks go by. More people are moving to Cairn - the circus and the Traveling Knights kind of inadvertently made the town seem like a great place to live, so more and more families are showing up. Construction on new housing begins, with larger animals (beavers, groundhogs, and hares, mostly) taking point on building and a mouse named Jiddie Littlebrook coordinating the efforts. Food and resources are stretched a little tight, but everyone pitches in. Russ even comes up with a way to string a net up near the river and catch midges and mosquitos, which make for good pies for many of the inhabitants of Cairn. The town is changing, but everyone is rolling with it well.

And then one morning, as Russelet is at the Roost (the guard house for his rangers), he hears someone yelling "Help! Help! Murder!" A young rat with a fishing pole is screaming for assistance, and when asked, he says that he was walking through the construction site on his way to the river to fish for minnows when he saw a dead body, partially buried in the dirt. He didn't know who it was - it was a rat, but he didn't recognize it and he ran to get help right away. Russelet sends a couple of his guys out to look and questions the fisher-rat a bit, and then heads down to the construction site himself.

When he gets there, he realizes his rangers are in shock - he was expected horror, but this is different. He approaches the body and realizes why - it's Ladd Ringtail, his friend and protege. Russelet, kind of numb, checks the body. Someone bashed Ladd on the head with something big and heavy, like a club, and then put a sack over his head (just a spare sack from around the site). There's not much blood here, so it looks like his body was moved. There are far too many footprints to track anyone, but there aren't any drag marks, either, so if he was moved here it was by an animal big enough to carry him (which is consistent with someone strong enough to do this damage). 

The rangers find the other three Knights - Snoot is at home working on the theater plans, Ratatosk is out foraging, and Rummy is heading home to go to bed. The Knights are all told that Russ is at the construction site and needs them, and they go racing out to help him, but all are horrified by the truth of the situation. Murder in Cairn is nearly unheard of.

Snootabur goes to tell Keeble, while Ratatosk starts questioning people and trying to figure out Ladd's movements last night. Rummy and Russ have the truly awful job of going to inform Ladd's family.

Keeble receives Snoot and initially starts talking about the theater, but is shocked and appalled to hear the news. He immediately worries about how the new arrivals will perceive this, and tells Snoot that he'll need to let Juffin Longbottom (the groundhog constable of Cairn) know about this. Snoot agrees, and asks to have Ladd's body moved to the ice house for the moment.

Ratatosk asks around and finds that Ladd was not on guard duty last night, but some folks heard that he went to the Brookflower for dinner. Ratatosk heads there and talks to Quirkly Shallowleaf, the owner. He explains the situation and it becomes rapidly apparent that Ratatosk is probably the worst person to be delivering this news ("You mean there's a murderer hiding in Cairn?!" "No! He might be hiding in the woods."). Quirkly wasn't here last night, though, so Ratatosk goes to find Sarafina Bushytail.

Meanwhile, Rummy and Russ go to the Ringtail house. Bernit Ringtail, Ladd's mother, receives them and they talk on her patio. She takes the news about as well as can be expected (which is to say, not well), and isn't able to answer questions or provide much information. His father, Alum, however, keeps his composure enough to say that Ladd left last night intending to get dinner at the Brookflower. Alum said that he noticed his son had his bow with him, which he normally didn't carry if he wasn't on duty. He didn't think anything of it at the time, though.

Ratatosk visits Sarafina at home, and after her initial shock tells Ratatosk that she overheard Ladd say that he needed to talk to Russelet, but that he had something to do or "look into" first. She thinks he was talking to Trixat Flutterwatch, the night bartender. Ratatosk scampers across town to talk to Trixat before she falls asleep (she's a bat), and she confirms that Ladd was there, he had dinner, and then he said he had to find something out before he talked to Russ. She also mentions that Ladd had a piece of shiny, silvery metal on him - "the kind that the moles seem to like."

Snootabur heads back to the construction site, and finds that Juffin is there in the midst of a group of groundhogs. They're trying to get back to work, which Juffin isn't allowing. They finally decide to go clear some land south of here ("My people," muses Juffin, "they're not happy unless they're busy"), and Juffin talks with Snoot. He asks that she remember that since this happened in Cairn proper it's really his investigation, though of course he's happy to have the Knights' help. He also tells her to look out for Russ - this has got to be hitting him pretty hard.

Russ and Rummy console the Ringtails as best they can. Russ promises the Knights aren't going to rest until they bring Ladd's killer to justice, and they will of course help with arrangements or support any way they can. They leave, and all four of the Knights meet up again.

They examine the body and Ladd's possessions. He's carrying a snack pouch on his belt and a quiver of arrows, but no bow. They don't find the metal that Trixat mentioned, either. They decide to split up and continue the investigation. Rummy and Snoot head to the market to talk to Eliza Grayhair; maybe she knows something about this metal he was carrying. Russ and Ratatosk go up to the Roost to talk to the guardsmen and see if they know anything about what Ladd was investigating.

The guardsmen are somber and quiet, but they stand up when Russ arrives. None of them are sure what it was that Ladd was doing, though, and none of them saw the metal piece he had. Russ tells them all to be careful and to watch out for each other. He goes to his office and falls asleep. Ratatosk lets him sleep; he has another idea.

At the market, gossip is already spreading. Rummy and Snoot talk with Eliza and ask about the missing bow and the metal piece. Eliza points them at Flynn Rippleward, an otter bowyer, and Estu Scrabblescamp, a pika trader. Rummy, recognizing the nervous tenor of the people, plays a soothing song while Snoot goes to question folks.

Flynn, after admiring her bow, tells her that he's familiar with Ladd's bow but he hasn't seen anyone trying to trade it or pass it off. He promises to keep an eye out, however. 

Estu is much more helpful. She did indeed give Ladd the silver piece; it was one of four she had. She promised all of them to Ripark, the mole that runs the Root, in exchange for a jug of fermented mushroom juice ("So fresh and musty!"). She notes, however, that she agreed to give him "some silver", which is exactly what she did give him. She isn't sure what Ladd wanted with it, and he seemed uncomfortable. 

Rummy, also a nocturnal creature, takes her leave and heads home to sleep. Snoot and Ratatosk wind up at the Root, each following the same lead. The Root is closed during the day, but Ripark is there cleaning glasses. Snoot explains what's happening, and Ripark confirms that he traded silver for mushroom juice. He agrees to bring in a silver piece so that the Knights can see what it looks like, but he doesn't have it here - come back tonight. Snoot mentions that he doesn't seem too sad or even shocked by the news, and Ripark says that every time there's a crime in Cairn, the investigation always winds up at the Root. "I'll shed a tear for Ladd Ringtail later," he says. "Right now I just want to make sure that my folks don't get accused." 

The Knights rest up - apparently tonight, the investigation continues at the roughest place in Cairn.

Chill: Brotherly Love

Tonight was Chill! Here's last time. On we go!

The envoys are at the ranch, as are Darnell Stafford (the ranch's medic), Dee Addams (the ranch's matriarch), Ashley Meinberg and Ted Norman (the two survivors from the group of friends that ran afoul of the mysterious figure at Big Hole Battlefield). The envoys gather everyone together in the living room and settle in. Jordan wards the room. It's gonna be a long night. 

Everyone rests, but Jax wakes up feeling just as spent as he was when he went to bed. There's no time to consider this (and he kinda chalks it up to lack of coke anyway) before the doorbell rings. Willa answers, and sees a disheveled looking guy standing there. "Dylan here?"

Willa (correctly) guesses this might be Dylan's brother Alex - the werewolf. She calls for Dylan, and he comes to the doorway, putting up a Mental Shield. The reunion between brothers is, to say the least, strained. 

Alex puts forth the ultimatum from his master: give up Ashley and Ted, and he'll let the rest of them live. Dylan refuses, and he can see that Alex isn't telling the truth anyway (the master has no intention of letting any of them live). He asks Alex who the guy is, and Alex says he doesn't know, not really. All he remembers all those years ago was being pulled into the woods by the Wolf That Won't Die, and then dreaming of death and war and blood. He woke up as a wolf under the full moon. He's tried to die, tried to fight back, but he never stays dead and he has no power to fight the master. The master understands English but won't use it, and the one time Alex tried to speak nimiipuuít the master cut out his tongue every night for a month. 

Dylan tries to get Alex to come in, but Alex refuses - he's just here to deliver the message. Dylan raises a Mental Shield on him, and Alex stumbles, disoriented. Dylan leaves the porch to try and help him...and in the distance there's a "pop." Dylan collapses. 

Alex looks around and says, "oh, no", turns into a wolf, and lopes off into the woods. Willa, who's been watching from the doorway, goes out and tries to pull Dylan back in. But her arm is broken, Dylan is heavy, and she can't quite gain purchase. And then there's another "pop" and she collapses, too.

Jordan summons up Melanie and Zoe, raises a Sphere of Protection, and slowly goes out with them to get the wounded envoys back in. She tells Darnell to get ready to work, and when they bring Dylan and Willa back in start trying to save them. Both of them have been shot. Willa's lung has collapsed, and Jordan has to pop a tube in there to reinflate it. Darnell works on Dylan a bit, stabilizes him, and then tells the other envoys what's up.

Both Willa and Dylan are badly injured. The bullet nicked Dylan's liver and he needs a hospital, now. But if that thing is still out there, watching (with a damn rifle), there's no way to get to the cars. The envoys look around and realize that Ted, Dee, and Ashley are missing. Zoe grabs a shotgun and goes looking. She hears a dog whining the closet and calls Melanie over to open it. She gets a little too trigger-happy, though, and shoots when she sees something move. Fortunately, she hits neither Ashley nor Dusty (the dog) who were hiding the closet.

Ashley says that Dee told them to head for the silo, but she got lost. Jordan calls the silo and Dee answers; she and Ted are fine, but again, they're all kind of stuck here.

And then someone knocks at the door. "Hey, SAVE!" Someone yells "come in," and a stocky man enters, hands up. 

He introduces himself as Gabriel MacNamara, a SAVE envoy from the Den in Maine (Zoe talked to him on the phone the other day). He and some of his fellow envoys were out this way on an unrelated case, finished up sooner than they figured, and decided to drop in. "Really good timing," says Zoe. "Well, like my dad used to say," says Gabe, "if all else fails, God and SAVE are on your side."

Gabriel's guys canvas the area but don't find Alex or the master, but they do find some rifle casings. They all load up and head for a hospital, and in a couple of hours everyone is in a hospital room. Willa and Dylan are a little loopy from drugs, but everyone is able to talk. Jax is barely functional - he's been getting weaker and more disoriented, and he still doesn't have any drugs. 

Gabe tells them that this creature does indeed seem like an "inflicted" lycanthrope, controlled by a magical lycanthrope. He also tells them that tonight is the full moon, which may or may not be significant. Worse yet, he and his guys need to get on a plane and head back to Maine. He extends an offer to the envoys if they ever want to come visit the Den, and heads out. But before he goes, he uses the Heal discipline on both Dylan and Willa, helping their wounds close up.

Dee, Ashley, Darnell, and Ted are out in the waiting area while the envoys talk. They decide to keep a close eye on Ted and Ashley, since the creature seems intent on killing them. Jordan goes out to have a look, and Darnell tells her Ted's in the men's room. She has him go make sure he's OK, and they find Ted standing at the sink, immobile, hot water scalding his hands. 

Jordan raises a Mental Shield on him and he snaps out of it. But then the man appears between them and the door. He says something in nimiipuuí and Ted translates: if they give up Ted, he'll let them live. Jordan tries to tell him that as a warrior, this isn't what he wants, but he says (again, through Ted) "don't you tell me what I want." He tries to use a discipline on Jordan, but Jordan's a master protector. She raises a Sphere of Protection, and forces him out of the bathroom.

Jax, meanwhile, is approaching the bathroom just as the man is forced out. Jordan starts yelling for security, and this attracts (in addition to security) Zoe and Melanie. But that leaves Dylan and Willa alone in the room. The man vanishes, but the wolf appears in the room, jumps up on Willa's wheelchair, and starts chewing into her shoulder.

Dylan hits the panic button and uses Line of Defense to ward the room, which drives the wolf out, just as security runs up. The two guards unload their pistols into the bloody-mawed wolf, seemingly killing it, but the envoys know that this isn't going to do the trick. Jordan pulls a wolfsbane plant from her pocket (putting on gloves first!) and runs past the security yelling "I got this, make way!" She mushes up the plant and shoves it into the bullet holes in the wolf's side.

The wolf immediately starts to convulse, and then it slowly changes back into Alex Reeves. Dylan heaves himself out of bed and collapses next to his brother. Jordan tries to save him, but Alex pushes her away. "He's finally out of my head," he whispers. 

Dylan and Alex have a brief conversation, and Alex asks his brother to please keep his ashes far the hell away from the woods. Dylan tells him that he's not going anywhere, but Alex tells him that he died years ago. He also tells Dylan the master's name: hímin pik'i'x. He also says that the master wants to turn Ted into a werewolf like him, but has to do it under the full moon, so if they can last the night he'll be safe (at least from that eventuality). And then he passes away.

Willa is taken away to surgery. Security and police arrive and question the characters, but the whole situation is so crazy (and there are two security guards talking about a wolf turning into a man) that they aren't really held to account. Darnell calls in Manny Wall and Blake Wheeler, since they're basically two envoys down. Jax goes upstairs to try and check himself into rehab, but then comes down ranting that he can't get into rehab without a psych referral. 

Darnell tells him to focus on what he can do, even if that's minimal. The envoys get together in a room downstairs, along with Ted, Ashley, and Dee, and decide they'll try to last the night here. Ted also translates the name: Empty Wolf. 

Jordan wards the room, but shortly thereafter the fire alarms go off. Security shows up and shoos them out, and they all wind up in the doctor's parking lot just as it starts to rain blood. 

The wind picks up, strong enough to move cars, and the envoys get scattered. The man - Empty Wolf -  appears in front of Blake, Melanie, Darnell, and Ted, and points to Ted. Blake braces himself and activates his Quicken discipline. Empty Wolf flings his knife at him, but Blake deftly dodges. Melanie draws her gun and shoots Empty Wolf, and he bleeds, but doesn't fall. 

Manny rushes in and tackles him, and Jordan draws a circle around them to trap Empty Wolf. Unfortunately the creature assumes wolf form and savages Manny before Zoe rushes in and pulls him out. Jordan gets to work stabilizing him, and Blake yells his name: hímin pik'i'x. It doesn't seem to weaken him, however, and he vanishes. Zoe grabs two shotguns out of the SUV, but gets back too late to use them.

The envoys quickly move their group into the parking garage, taking up a defensible position. Jordan draws another circle, but the effort exhausts her and both she and Jax huddle up against the wall, too terrified to move. Peedee (Manny's dog) starts barking, and Empty Wolf approaches. He points at Blake and then taps his empty sheath, indicating that Blake should return his knife. Blake flips him off, and shoots him with a shotgun. Empty Wolf grins, whips his rifle to his shoulder, and shoots Blake right back.

Darnell, Dee, Ashley, and Ted all panic and scatter. Manny stays with Jax and Jordan as the other three envoys split up and go running after their fellows. Melanie catches up with Ashley and talks her down, bringing her back to the circle, and Blake catches up with Dee easily enough, but Zoe gets to a stairwell and sees Ted, immobile again, standing on the landing. 

She yells to him to snap out of it, and Empty Wolf appears. She shoots him (and manages to avoid hitting Ted!), but again, it doesn't seem to do much. Blake and Melanie run up, and Empty Wolf points at Zoe and says something he doesn't understand...but does hear the word "Jax" mixed in there. 

Blake thinks through what the others told him and remembers the phrase that Ted mentioned: "manáa wées 'iním we'níikt?" He says it, and then fires...and blows a huge chunk of flesh out of Empty Wolf's side.

Melanie says it again, and shoots him in the stomach. Zoe fires on him as well, and he collapses into the stairwell. Zoe keeps firing until Empty Wolf's head is mostly not there anymore.

One of the envoys has the presence of mind to call Detective Jackson, who helps them get out of there before they get arrested (the concrete helped muffle the gunshots and there's been so much weirdness here tonight anyway). The corpse in the stairwell is not identifiable - no prints on file, no DNA match, and no face anymore. Manny, who just got out of physical therapy after getting torn up by chillers winds up right back in the hospital with wolf bites, and of course Blake, Willa, and Dylan all have pretty severe injuries, too. 

But the Wolf That Won't Die is finally dead, and Dylan's brother's curse has been lifted.