Saturday, October 10, 2026

Movie #982: Send Help

Send Help is a horror/comedy directed by Sam Raimi and starring Rachel McAdams, Dylan O'Brien, Edyll Ismail, Xavier Samuel, and Thaneth Warakulnukroh. 

Linda Liddle (McAdams) is capable and diligent in her job in Strategy and Planning at...some company run by Bradley Preston (O'Brien), but she's socially awkward, mousy, and does horrible things like eat tuna at her desk (oh noes! but then, I like tuna). She's passed up for a promotion that Preston gives to his inexperienced, kind of dumb frat buddy (Samuel), but recognizing that he needs her expertise for at least a little while, brings her along on a trip to Thailand to squeeze her for any amount of work he can before shipping her off to a satellite office. 

But then the plane goes down and Linda and Bradley wind up the only survivors, stuck together on a beautiful island with no help coming. As it turns out, Linda is a survivalist and actually auditioned to be on Survivor, so she takes to it like a fish to water (except she eats the fish). Bradley continues being an absolute douchecanoe until it becomes obvious that he will die without Linda, whereupon he tries to manipulate her into teaching him stuff, but remains focused on the utterly impractical plan of building a raft and getting home. 

Everything kind of spirals from there, and here we enter spoiler territory: It turns out that the island isn't uninhabited, there's a house on it belonging to some billionaire and Linda has been visiting the house to get supplies and freshen up. She's still very much a capable survivalist, of course, but she could have arranged their rescue at any time. Oh, and she straight up murders Bradley's fiancĂ©e Zuri (Ismail), who'd been searching the islands in the area with a boat captain she hired (Warakulnukroh) by dropping them off a cliff. 

I really like this movie, and I like it all the more because Linda isn't the hero. Yes, she's put upon, underappreciated, passed over, and abused by her boss...but like, she murders two people (possibly three; she claims she allowed her abusive ex-husband to drive drunk and that's how he died, but we have only her word to go on and we know she's capable of both self-delusion and straight-up lying when necessary). There's apparently a lot of debate about who to root for, because if not Linda, then...Bradley? Bradley is a dick in a much more "rich white guy" sense, and it would be easy to think that the worst thing he's ever done is the usual privilege corporate boy's club shit, but then he tries to poison Linda to escape on his stupid raft (that doesn't work). 

Most of the effects are solid; not crazy about the CGI boars, but it's pretty minor. The really goopy stuff - Bradley eating a bug, the blood makeup during the end fight - look really good on screen, and it's really nice to see Raimi getting back to original horror stories (first horror movie he'd done since Drag Me to Hell). 

Michelle pointed out that, plot-wise, it's got a lot in common with The African Queen, and it's amusing to think of a movie like this getting made with Katherine Hepburn in Rachel McAdams' role. 

My Grade: A-
Rewatch Value: Medium-high

Next up: Sinners

Friday, October 9, 2026

Character Creation: Stokerverse

I have crossed oceans of RPGs to find you.

(Which is better than oceans of beef.)

The Game: Stokerverse RPG
The Publisher: Nightfall Games
Degree of Familiarity: I've read Dracula, but otherwise none
Books Required: Just the one


Stokerverse is a Victorian horror game. The gimmick, such as it is, is that it uses Stoker's works (including but not limited to Dracula) as a jumping-off point and that one of the creators is Bram Stoker's great-grandnephew, Dacre Stoker. 

But honestly? That's a pretty good gimmick. The book is well-written, the production values are solid, and I don't hate the system immediately upon reading (I'm also cagey about how much I like systems until I play them, but it looks like a nice balance between a couple of approaches; very much a trad game, but that's fine). 

In fact, the only complaint I have is the rather baffling decision not to have a printable character sheet included with the book. It's the with Quickstart. Which is fine, I guess, but if I'd bought this in a store I'd be hella annoyed. 

Also, not to harp, but the sheet that does exist is kinda garbage. No slot for character's name, name of the game isn't even on it, and the design is just boring. By no means a deal-breaker, but eh.

Anywho, let's make a character! 

Step One is "the conversation," which is basically session 0 kind of stuff, so doesn't really apply here.

Step Two: The Stakes. Can't have a vampire game without stakes! (I'm hilarious.) Let's assume we're doing a standard campaign, so I get 4 Stat Points and 3 Skill Points.

The book says that I can allocate these points at any point during chargen, though to "maintain suspension of disbelief" I should do it before play begins. Not entirely sure what they mean there, but whatever. I'll do it as I go, how about that.

Steps Three and Four: Archetypes. This game has you pick two Archetypes, which I really like (Cairn does something similar). I could pick both, roll both, or do one and one. I feel random today, let's at least roll the first one. "Performer." Cool, I can get behind that. Shall I pick the second one? Nah, let's keep rolling. "Game Warden." Ooh, sure. My character works for a circus. 

(Side note: Yes, I am aware that Victorian circuses probably didn't have the best track record with regard to their treatment of humans or animals, but a) it's a horror game, b) this is just a chargen exercise, and c) who am I even talking to.)

Let's say my character's name is Armitage Kelk. Tall, big mustache, handy with a rifle, runs the animal acts in his circus. In his 60s, kind of avuncular, says things like "what what" a lot. 

It's an act, of course. His real name is John MacHenry, born in Scotland in 1853 (which puts him in his 40s "now", depending on when "now" is in this game). He joined the British Army and for some reason got sent to the Gold Coast just in time for the invasion of Asante in 1874. He was not down for that shit, deserted, and wound up in living with some African auxiliary troops who'd also decided the British army could eat shit. He hooked up with the circus when they sent some folks to collect exotic animals, and here we are! 


Step Five: Record stuff. Which basically means I get to synthesize all of this stuff, I think. Boy, it'd be nice if there were an example of chargen, he said for the umpteenth time. 

Well, putting both Archetypes together, we get: 

STR 1, DEX 2, KNOW 0, CONC 0, CHA 1, COOL 1, LUCK 1

(I think it's weird to have a stat called "Cool" in this game. When did "cool" start getting used to refer to a steady and calm demeanor? Feels anachronistic, but I don't know if it is.)

Anyway, I have 4 points to add to those. I don't have to have a rating in them (that is, they range 0 to 6). I feel like Kelk should have better CHA, since he's maintaining a near-constant charade. COOL, too, maybe should go up. Knowledge can stay at 0, but Concentration I feel like I should raise. I'll put two there, actually. 

Skills! Better just list out what I have.

Athletics 3
Diplomacy 2
Driving (Riding) 2
Education (Criminal) 1
Education (Pick 1 - let's say Trade & Craft) 1
Firearms 2
Fisticuffs 1
Observation 2
Profession (Game Warden) 2
Profession (Performance) 1
Stealth 3
Survival 3
Thievery 1

I note with some amusement that I have most of the skills I'd get as a Soldier, too. That's handy. I get three more points, so I'll put 1 into Profession (Soldier), one into Thievery, and one into Firearms. 

For Traits, I get Ambidextrous (um, sure?), Attractive, Contacts, Expanded Wardrobe, Good Vision, Poor Accommodation (Shack). 

Actually, that's a question. Suppose I had Game Warden and Aristocrat. One has Poor Accommodation and one has Accommodation (Grand Country Estate). Does the better one just win out? I guess it must. 

Well, whatever, my shack is the only accommodation I have and honestly for a circus performer that's about right. I think Kelk's Contact should be Military, someone from his past that knows who he really is but isn't going to tell because Kelk saved his life (if he hadn't intervened, that woman with the sharpened bit of guava might have seriously...). 

And that's actually it! I get a rifle or shotgun (rifle, please, military issue), a survival kit, a folding knife, and performing clothes. 

I think Kelk would be an interesting character in this sort of game, particularly if you had some malevolent force spooking the animals or followed up on the "wolves escaped from the zoo" plotline that gets mentioned in the book. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2026

Character Creation: Fiendgazer

Someone who gazes at fiends? Yes, actually.

The Game: Fiendgazer
The Publisher: Tremor Pings
Degree of Familiarity: None
Books Required: Just the one


Fiendgazer shares some characteristics with Brindlewood Bay (beyond the system, I mean). It's set in a particular locale (Harrowplow, PA), it's a story of creeping supernatural dread and solving mysteries, but it's much more horror-forward. To wit, all the PCs (the titular Fiendgazers, or just Gazers if you're pressed for time) have some awareness of the Fiend ripping into our reality, and can gather Clues to figure out the truth and try to stop it. 

I actually think this game would be really cool to play, though I rather wish instead of giving us an example character for each of the Roles it would have given us an example of play. Like, we're supposed to get a Mark (which is a "narrative token") from each other player, including the GM. Here's where an example of chargen would have been really nice, because I'd love to see the giving of Marks in practice. There are example PCs, sure, but they don't have Marks, just backstories. 

But regardless, let's make a Gazer!

The first thing I do (though I do note that there's no real step-by-step for chargen, which I also find annoying) is decide what the Event was that made my character see beyond. I start with a Gaze stat of -2 (if it goes over 3, I'm consumed by the Rift and no longer a PC), which means I have some awareness of what's going on. Why? Well, I think I'll go to The Weird and roll on "Weird PC Backgrounds," seems pretty appropriate. "You've owned a puzzle box for years, but never been able to open it." Well, that's goddamn perfect. Let's say my character - whom we'll call Dane Zamora - has owned the puzzle box since he was a kid. 

You know, I keep thinking that name sounds self-chosen, so let's say Dane is a trans man, and couldn't open the box at all until he transitioned and chose a new name. That isn't to say trans men are more predisposed towards cthonic magic (I have read no studies on the subject), just that before he did that, perhaps he wasn't authentically him enough to get it working. Anyway, he hasn't managed to open the box all the way, but just a bit, and that was enough to give him the Gaze. 

Next up, jorb. My Job gives me four stats (and I really don't agree with some of them; like, why on Earth does Salesperson not have the Social trait?) and a special move. I think Dane is young, probably only 20 or so, so let's say he's a Staffer (he works at a drugstore in Harrowplow). The write-up for Staffer asks me to consider "what dream do you sink into to keep your sanity?" 

In Dane's case, I think it's that his boss, Sally, just shuts the fuck up. Like, he doesn't wish death or ruin upon her, just that she were struck dumb and couldn't ask Dane stupid questions or give him busywork anymore. 

As a Staffer, I get the traits Deep, Handy, Lore, and Network. I get to pick one of these to have a +2, one gets a +1, the others get 0 (but I still have them; everything else gets -1). Well, I think Dane should have Handy at +2 (it'll be a stretch to play, but it'd be fun), Deep +1, and that leaves the other two at 0. And then my special move is that once per game, I can appear harmless and negligible, and no one notices me until I act. 

And that's it, kids, because everything else would require a group. I think Dane wears loose-fitting shirts and pants (the shirts are to hide that he binds, the pants are just what he finds comfy). He's got a wallet on a chain, sturdy work boots, and a kind of Elliot Page haircut, though darker complexion (I think he's of Mexican extraction). Since he's opened that box, he finds himself fiddling with it without realizing it (it's small enough to fit in his pockets). 

Tuesday, October 6, 2026

Movie #981: The Road Warrior

The Road Warrior, also known as Mad Max 2, is the second in the Mad Max series and stars Mel Gibson, Bruce Spence, Michael Preston, Max Phipps, Kjell Nilsson, Emil Minty, Virginia Hey, and William Zappa. 

It's the future and there's no gas, but everyone's driving around in cars?! I DON'T GET IT NO STARS.

No, just kidding (it's a Patton Oswalt bit). It is the future, the world has largely blown itself up, and here we are in the wilds of Australia. People have devolved into tribes and gangs, and then there are lone dudes like Max (Gibson) who roll through the wasteland just surviving. (Max actually lost his family in the first movie, which I've seen but it's been a really long time.)

Anyway, Max runs afoul of the warrior-minions of Lord Humungus, escapes them and winds up teaming up/taking hostage the Gyro Captain (Spence). Gyro leads him to a settlement with a working oil refinery, and the settlers are doing OK except that Humungus attacks them daily and tries to take their gas (so maybe they're not doing that great). Max rolls in just as the Feral Child (Minty) kills one of the marauders (Jimmy Brown) with a boomerang, Humungus tells the settlers to fuck off and leave their gas, and the settlers' opinion on what to do is split.

In the end they decide to bargain with Max - he agrees to bring back a tanker in exchange for gas and supplies. He does, and then tries to leave, whereupon a couple of marauders chase him down, crash his car and kill his dog, so Max returns to the settlement to drive the tanker. And then we get a protracted car chase/battle that ends with many of the important settlers dying, the tanker crashing...but we (along with Max) discover it's full of sand while the gas is actually with the settlers.

I hadn't seen this movie previously - I actually bought it thinking it was the first one, but that's Mad Max (which I have seen, but it's been a while). I think all of the Mad Max movies stand on their own, though. They remind me in some ways of Conan stories; they're really legends about this warrior of the wasteland, rather than telling a cohesive story, which is fine. Gibson is fine but entirely too pretty as Max (I really prefer Tom Hardy's take on the character). Bruce Spence is really the life of this party as the Gyro Captain, providing any exposition and dialog we need. 

George Miller has apparently always known how to do a post-apocalyptic car battle, because although Fury Road is better overall, that's because he had a better budget and years of experience behind him. The battle here hits some of the same notes, and while we know that Max is going to survive, there's very much the feeling that anyone else is fair game. I had no idea, for instance, if the Feral Child was going to survive, and that kind of tension is impressive. 

Effects are impressive and of course they're all practical, so even 45 years later they still hold up. I don't know that the opening narration and stock footage showing how the world ended was necessary, but it doesn't really hurt anything. 

Kinda want to see Beyond Thunderdome now.

My Grade: B+
Rewatch Value: Medium

Next up: Send Help

Monday, October 5, 2026

Character Creation: The Slashers vs. Evil Game

It's October! Looks like we've got another groovy mystery to STAB.

The Game: The Slashers vs. Evil Game
The Publisher: James "The Geek"
Degree of Familiarity: I know my slashers pretty well, but never played this
Books Required: Just the one

I think this month I'll try and do 10 horror or horror-adjacent games, why not. Anyway, this one!

Slashers vs. Evil (or rather The Slashers vs. Evil Game, which is really unwieldy) is an RPG in which you play movie-style slashers who have bene recruited to fight a greater evil. When you're not on a mission, you're in the Darkness, basically in an empty hell, and then you get let out of your tube and sent out into the world, wherein you must resist your base urges (that is, to kill) long enough to fight said greater evil.

There are...some problems with this. I was talking with Cael about it just a moment ago and they referenced Monsters vs. Aliens, which I think is kind of an apt comparison. It's taking characters that we all know as villains or monsters and making them into the protagonists. Cool, the other Drac Pack cartoon did something similar. But in both of those cases, they were drawing on Universal Monsters and "horror" meant something very different then. 

Slashers, by contrast, playing on different kinds of fear. It's not the fear of the monster in the woods, it's the fear that another human being might be the monster and you won't know until it's too late (among other things). Slashers kill innocent people, often in really brutal ways, and even when it's done in a campy way (Freddy Krueger, Chucky, after a few movies), like, they're still killing people. I know from experience (World of Darkness: Slasher) that playing this kind of character is an iffy proposition, and we ultimately decided against putting PC rules in that book. 

Anyway, all of this to say, I'm not sure exactly what play experience we're going for, here. I get playing monsters, I even get playing monsters that kill people, but in a humor game? And playing characters who kill so directly and violently in their source material? I don't think it couldn't work, I'm just a little perplexed. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

Well, anyway, let's make a character.

Really couldn't fit all the chargen steps on one page?

I guess I need a concept, huh? Let's lean into the season and name my slasher Punkin' Jack. He's a big, Jason-style slasher with a jack-o-lantern for a head (or maybe that's a mask, who knows). His weapon of choice is a scythe, and he's got overalls and a flannel shirt. I think he can talk, probably with a kind of hillbilly-ish accent. 

Gender: Scarecrow. 

Age: Old as time. Or, at least since people have been carving pumpkins.

Attributes. I get to underline one (where I'm Focused) and cross out another (Unknown), while the other two are Unfocused. Well, I think Brawn is pretty much obviously my forte, and I'll make Wits my Unknown. That leaves Grace and Will as Unfocused.

Vocation. I mean...I'm a demonic pumpkin-headed slasher. What are you looking for, here? 

Oh, this is basically "what movie archetype do you fall into?" I'm gonna call Jack a Holiday-Themed Killer.

Skills & Abilities. As with Tales from the Terror Tomb (same author), I pick between 1 and 9 Skills and Abilities as Focused. The more I pick, the more focused I am, and therefore more specialized. I don't think I need Jack to be much of an all-rounder. Let's see, what's good...

Well, I want Chatty Charles, because I picture Jack monologuing in his West Virginia accent about Halloween and the dangers thereof (it occurs to me that Jack is basically Sam from Trick 'R Treat's big brother). Hack and Slash, obviously. I'll take Quiet as a Stalker (Jack is quiet until he decides not to be), and Regeneration (hard to hurt). And then I'll take the Tracking Skill. 

And then I need three Unfocused Skills. I can take Abilities here, so I'll take Nighty Night and say that Jack can breathe some kind of candy-flavored miasma at people and knock them out. And then I'll take Sneaking and Athletics here, too.

Focus. This is the number of Focused Skills I have, plus 1, which is 6. Easy enough.

Compulsion. This is basically "why I kill," and there's a lot of overlap between the examples listed. But for Jack, I want Cat and Mouse. He talks a lot about Halloween, but mostly he just likes chasing people down and scything them. 

Motivation. Isn't that what we just...oh, wait, no, this is why I'm still with the Keepers. I don't think any of the examples work, so I'm gonna Jack is Summoned and Must Obey. The Keepers called him up with a sacrifice of full-sized candy bars and blood, and now he belongs to them every Halloween. (And maybe on other days, too, per negotiation, but like, Twix.)

And that's it, kids! Interesting idea, but not something I'm eager to play.

Chill: Monster in the Snow

We rejoin out SAVE HQ in Seward, Alaska, a few months after the incident with the djinni. It's early April, and the weather is getting slightly warmer, but there's still quite a lot of snow on the ground. Nicholas Failor gets a call from Sheriff Parker Horne, a fellow he knows from north of Seward around Moose Pass. 

Sheriff Horne asks if he's talked to Gary Golden recently. Nicholas knows Gary - he's a guy in his 60s who lives on the side of a mountain. He moved out here from...Texas? New Mexico? after making a bunch of money in manufacturing. He retired, built a cabin, and travels during the summer. During the winter, he hermits, rarely seeing anyone. Nicholas has given him lifts out of the area on occasion. 

But Nicholas hasn't talked to him - he's been doing supply runs as far south as Baja and hasn't really been in Seward (since healing up from a werewolf bite). Sheriff Horne says that back in early February he got a radio transmission from Gary and he sounded distressed, but the connection was bad and he didn't use any of the emergency codes or language, so he figured it wasn't an immediate concern. Anyway there was so much snow on the mountain that he couldn't have gotten up to see him if he'd wanted to. He drove by the road to Gary's today and thought about it again, but noticed that the way was blocked by a fallen tree. 

Nicholas offers to do a flyover, and Horne says he'd appreciate it. He's got his hand full today anyway. Nicholas asks why, and Horne says that a couple - Wil and Natalie Kane - have gone missing. They were cleaning a cabin they own, getting it ready for renters, but they're just...gone. Cars are still there, but it's like they walked out into the woods, which they wouldn't because they're both locals. 

Nicholas, a sinking feeling in his stomach, gets on the group chat and asks if anyone is available to go up and do a flyover today. He explains the situation, and a few envoys respond.

Kat Jameson is working out and enthusiastically agrees. She's spent the three months or so since her last case working towards her blue belt, and she's getting pretty good both at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and throwing axes.

Kayla Vanderhoven is teaching a yoga class, but when she finishes she responds with a series of emojis that indicate she'll go up. She's been bumming around the SAVE HQ since her last case (same one as Kat), teaching yoga, and generally living her life.

Tristan St. Cyr is at the SAVE HQ working on his thesis. He's been doing that, and also collating the info and archives that SAVE has. He sees the message and, seeing that Kayla is going, gets his ritual implements together.

Britt Lepus, like Nicholas, hasn't been on a case since the affair with the werewolves. She's spent her time on mundane pursuits like getting a job - she's been bartending and working for a local caterer. She responds with two emojis ("sleep" and "bunny"), but eventually gets up and joins the others at HQ.

Nicholas explains the situation, and that the idea here is just to fly over the area, land at Quartz Airfield near the mountain, see if there's anything they can do, and head back today. After making sure everyone has the right kind of clothes to go up (it's colder up in the air, obviously), the plane takes off!

Right away there's a slight issue; Kayla is afraid of heights. She's usually able to fly, but that's because she's always flown commercially (and perhaps wasn't quite honest with herself on how anxious this makes her). She manages to white-knuckle through it without freaking out too badly, at least initially.

Everyone else looks out the windows with binoculars, and Kat spots something - there's a big hole in Gary's garage door. It's too far away to tell much detail, but it doesn't look like he hit it with a car. It looks more like something smashed through it - maybe a bear? Nicholas also spots the tree that fell over the road and notes that there's no other storm damage, so it doesn't look like this happened because of lightning or even snow weight. It wasn't deliberately chopped or sawn down, so that's something, but it still looks almost deliberate.

Tristan gathers himself and focuses on the cabin, sensing the Unknown. It's a long ways off, but he sees the cabin remain in color while everything else goes black and white - the usual sign that something is wrong. 

Nicholas radios down to Sheriff Horne and reports what they're seeing. Horne says that he's not in the area at the moment, but arranges for Nicholas to borrow a jeep from the airfield. Nicholas brings the plane in for a landing (Tristan gives Kayla a blanket and she curls up into a ball), everyone disembarks, and there's a discussion about whether they're staying here tonight (which annoys Britt, because that's not what was discussed earlier), going back, and if they are going back, how Kayla is getting there because she's not interested in getting back on that plane.

In any case, the envoys borrow a jeep from the guy working at the airfield (Ned), and head out to the sheriff's office. They stop in and talk with Horne's deputy, Patti Frears, and decide to go and look at the cabin where the Kanes disappeared - getting up to Gary's place is going to take more daylight than they have left.

They arrive at the cabin and start looking around. Tristan uses his Clairvoyance discipline and looks into the middle of the cabin. Looking around, he sees cleaning supplies, but no sign of a struggle. Britt touches the outer wall and uses Schematic, getting a mental map of the building. Nothing untoward.

The door is unlocked, the envoys enter and look around. Kat looks around for more evidence of the Kanes, but then knocks over a bottle of spray cleaner and it spills on the floor. She goes to clean it up while everyone looks about - no purse, no other bags, it looks like they were cleaning and then just...left.

Nicholas and Kat go outside and look at the treeline. The snow has melted off a little, so there are no footprints that they can see, but Nicholas finds a boot...covered in blood. Nicholas looks around trying to find a blood trail and spots something that looks like it, but then Kat steps on it (lots of botched rolls happening). Frustrated, Nicholas activates Postcognition...

Wil Kane is standing in the snow, yelling, "Natalie! Nat! Baby, where are you?" The desperation is in voice is obvious, but he hears no response. Everything is very still, no birdsong, no wind, and then very faintly, ragged, crying breaths. Wil starts to run in that direction, but then a hand - a hideous, misshapen human-looking hand with sharp, yellow claws - reaches out from a snowbank and grabs his ankle. It yanks him down and into the bank, and his other foot catches on a tree. The creature, whatever it is, pulls with enough force to fold his leg outwards, and his hip snaps with an audible crack. The hand pulls him into the snowbank, there's a scream and a tearing noise...then silence.

Nicholas comes out of the vision, pale as the snow. He pulls Kat back inside and gathers everyone up to explain what happened. Britt uses Skeleton Key and opens Natalie's car, and finds her purse on the seat. Nothing special inside - dead cell phone, hairbrush, wallet - but Tristan takes a clump of hair from the brush and uses Clairvoyance again.

He immediately wishes he hadn't. He feels a weird barrier, some factor that that's making it hard to focus. He "backs up" and focuses on the hair, and that works. He sees Natalie's head...detached from her body. It's in a den of some kind, and there must be light coming from somewhere because he can see. There are human body parts, all with big chunks of meat torn out, strewn around. And unfortunately, Tristan projects his sense of smell as well.

He immediately throws up (but fortunately was doing this in the bathroom). After a minute, he pulls himself together and comes out to the living room, informing the others what's happened. The envoys decide to get the hell out of here, go back to the sheriff's office, and report this so that the police can do a head count. There are only about 250 permanent residents of Moose Pass, but a lot of them keep to themselves. 

They head back, and find that Sheriff Horne has returned. The envoys explain what's happened (leaving out the Art-related parts, of course; they focus on the boot) and the sheriff nods. Recently a widowed lady named Janna heard something at her door and later found gouges. The sheriff had a look, and thought it was a prank - it's not normal bear behavior, and the marks didn't look like bear claws anyway. The pattern looked more...human. 

Since they have three points of reference, though, Nicholas triangulates the creature's territory. It looks like it covers most of the mountain, and butts right up against the residential areas of Moose Pass. 

Sheriff Horne has Patti get on the phones and start doing a head count of the residents. Nicholas offers their help in case a search party is necessary, and the sheriff thanks him; he's not sure how he wants to handle it yet (the terrain isn't safe and if there's a dangerous animal out there he doesn't want to put people in jeopardy). The envoys asks if there's a hotel (their initial idea had been to stay in the cabin, but that seems...unwise), and the sheriff says there isn't, but he's willing to put a couple of them up if Patti can handle the rest. The girls go with Patti, the guys with Horne.

Britt does a little digger on yetis and bigfoots and whatnot, and finds that the popular perception of them is mostly that they're not dangerous...but a lot of that is written by people who want it to be true. Tristan, back at Sheriff Horne's place, looks into the SAVE archives that he's put online and finds a fragment of Ruby Garrett's Report on Monsters that talks about "unknown hominids." Her data says that they follow biological urges - that is, food - but that they aren't animals, so they don't always act like animals. 

There's also an interesting debate in SAVE about them. Some folks believe that such creatures are monsters, creatures of the Unknown, sure, but utterly non-human. And then there's a school of thought that says that yetis and the like are people who died far away from other people, desperately lonely, and that what they really want is companionship. 

As Tristan is musing over this, he sees a reflection in his laptop screen - a hideous, ape-like maw with massive fangs. He screams and turns around, but sees nothing. Nicholas (who was doing the dishes) runs in, but there's nothing there. Tristan insists on what he saw, but there's nothing, just the wind beginning to pick up.

Sunday, October 4, 2026

Movie #980: Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip

Thank fuck this is over.

Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip is, mercifully, the last of the Chipmunks quadrilogy and stars Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jesse McCartney, Jason Lee, Tony Hale, Josh Green, and Kimberly Williams-Paisley. Note that David Cross escaped this franchise after three movies. 

As with Chipwrecked, this is basically a cartoon episode plot or three stitched together. Dave (Lee) has been dating Samantha (Williams-Paisley) and things are getting serious, so Dave is taking her to Miami for the...I don't know, some kind of party involving a pop star (Bella Thorne) that he's producing. He leaves the Chipmunks (Long, Gubler, McCartney) in the care of Samantha's sadistic son Miles (Green), but the four of them find an engagement ring and decide that if they steal the ring, no engagement can take place!

I want to pause here and note that in Bender's Big Score, the first of the four Futurama DVD movies, Fry attempts to stop Leela from getting married by swapping out the pen they intend to use to sign the marriage license with one with no ink. This is played as what it is: An idiotic plan that will obviously not work. Here, the very similar plan is played as something that will work. Mostly I just wanted to think about Futurama for a minute rather than this bullshit.

OK, anyway. The kids try to fly but wind up downing the plane (like, it lands, it doesn't crash), and they run afoul of evil Air Marshal Suggs (Hale) who puts them on a no-fly list and then chases them across the country to...put them in animal jail? It's not clear. Anyway, this isn't the titular "road chip" anyway.

They don't even get to Miami. They get as far as New Orleans when they wind up on social media, Dave and Samantha come to find them, and then they wind up on the road trip back to Miami and then there's some last minute "oh, wait, we stole the ring but we now want them to marry but lol they weren't even going to get married Dave was just holding the ring for someone else!"

This movie feels, for all the world, like a straight-to-DVD release. It's not. It got a theatrical release in December 2015 and finished its opening weekend second in the box office behind The Force Awakens, because the studio really decided to go head-to-head with Star Wars. It was also nominated for three Razzies and won one, but it won for poor Kaley Cuoco for Worst Supporting Actress taking over for Amy Poehler as Eleanor (oh, right, the Chipettes are also (barely) in this movie), which doesn't make any sense because she's hardly in it.

Look, none of these movies were good. They're interesting in a "look what kind of shit used to get made" kind of way - nowadays this kind of movie would go straight to streaming. Of the four, I think the third one is the "best", and this one might be the "worst", and all of them are better than Larry fart Cable Fart: Fart Infartor, so that bar manages to remain where it was. 

In conclusion, I do not understand the appeal of the Chipmunks, and these movies aren't even interesting enough to be annoying. They're just cutely bland. 

My Grade: F
Rewatch Value: IINSIAIFWT

Next up: The Road Warrior