One-shot: Perils & Princesses - The Snake Queen and the Moon Cat

Last night we played a one-shot of Perils & Princesses! Here's what happened.

The Kingdoms - three nations surrounding the central nation of the All-City - have come together as they do every 10 years to reaffirm the Naocomida Accords. See, in the Dark Times many generations ago, the Sucuri, a race of giant, intelligent serpents, fed on whatever creatures they could catch, and that included people. But then the Kingdoms and the Sucuri came together to sign the Accords, stating that the Sucuri would not feed on intelligent creatures or animals claimed by intelligent creatures (so, like, livestock and pets). Every 10 year since then, the Sucuri's monarch comes to the All-City, and the All-King, the Sucuri monarch, and the rulers of the surrounding Kingdoms sign the Accords once again. 

This year, the three rulers of the Kingdoms have brought their children or heirs with them:

• Prince Elwin of Midnight Castle was granted the Gift of the Wild Heart by his fairy godmother, an avatar of the moon. Elwin can speak to animals and is a skilled hunter and bowman.
• Princess Rosabelle of Lonely Acres is a stout, strong lass and the niece of the Queen. Her kingdom raises sheep, and Rosabelle herself is a gifted herbalist and healer. She also received the Gift of Healing Touch from her fairy godmother (she doesn't see much of her anymore; her fairy godmother is a silver mist that speaks in riddles).
• Princess Angelica of Whispering Peak is something like the eighth of fifteen children, and as such isn't gonna inherit anything. But Angelica prefers to dress like a peasant and be out in the world anyway. She has the Gift of Spritely Agility, from her fairy godmother, a spirit of the forest.

These three are in attendance in the Council Room, as is Jar, the All-King, and their royal parents (or aunt, in the case of Rosabelle), waiting for Queen Sorella of the Sucuri to arrive. And arrive she does! She bursts through the door, a serpent as big around as a horse at her narrowest point. She stares down the All-King in fury, and demands to know what happened to her eggs!

Jar is baffled; he had no idea the Queen even had eggs with her. The situation grows tense, Sorella's neck hood starts to show, but fortunately her consort and majordomo Eunectes is with her. He speaks to her in their language, which Prince Elwin can understand. Eunectes reminds her that the Accords are still in effect, and since there's no proof that the eggs have been harmed or indeed who took them, their theft doesn't violate the Accords. Sorella relents, but makes it clear to Eunectes that if the eggs aren't recovered the Accords aren't going to be renewed. 

Eunectes conveys the Queen's anger to Jar, and the adult rulers in the room start behaving like rulers - posturing, preparing, and so forth. But Princess Angelica steps forward and calms the situation, asking if there's anything she can do to help - perhaps she could find the eggs? Eunectes and the Queen agree (and the Queen storms out), and Angelica's father asks her what she's doing. She tells him that she doesn't want the Accords to fall, and he agrees and goes back to his courtiers to prepare armies and so on. This leaves the Princesses alone with Eunectes.

Eunectes, clearly the most reasonable person here, tells the Princesses that Sorella was traveling with her eggs because she laid them later in the year than is typical; normally they'd have hatched by now. He says that he and Sorella were off hunting earlier and the eggs were looked after by a guard, but when they returned the guard was asleep and the eggs were missing. The Princesses ask to look at the scene of the crime.

The Sucuri are staying in a huge tent within the castle walls, heated with a few magic stones in a hole in the center. Eunectes mentions that the Sucuri have to stay warm, otherwise they fall asleep. The Princesses see the pen full of straw where the eggs were kept. Rosabelle doesn't see any debris, anyway, so there's no evidence the eggs were broken or harmed. Angelica finds some condensation outside the tent flap, almost like the temperature dropped quickly - maybe that's how the guard was dispatched? Elwin finds tracks in the tent. They look feline, but they're huge - this cat would have to be the size of a carriage! Also, the tracks are extremely shallow. A giant cat that's light on its feet?

They find more tracks at the entrance to the tent, but these indicate the the cat jumped. They look up and see moonlight streaming down, but not evidence of a cat. Elwin whistles and calls up some hunting dogs, and asks them to sniff about for the cat. The lead dog, Horace, tells him that it smells like raspberries...no, lightning...no, dust! Dusty raspberry lightning! Anyway, doesn't smell like a cat, but he can track it. He snerfles around the tent, but the scent just disappears at the area where the cat jumped.

They trace the direction where the cat might have jumped, based on the tracks, and find a gate leading outside. They talk to the guard there, who hasn't seen anything weird, much less a giant cat, but did feel a rush of cold wind that made the torches flicker a while ago. He opens the gate for them, and someone brings Elwin and Angelica their horses (Rosabelle rides with Angelica). They tell the lookouts on the gates to watch out for them, and they ride out.

They look around a bit, but then the dogs bay! They find the dogs by the river's edge, and there's a patch of ice on the water by the bank. The dogs tells Elwin that the dusty raspberry lightning smell is stronger here, and the Princesses find a thin layer of sparkly dust. Angelica rubs some between her fingers; it feels like ground rock, but it glitters in the moonlight. She unwisely tastes it, and her tongue turns to rock! 

The petrification spreads to her lips and probably would have consumed her, but Rosabelle steps in and uses her healing touch to stop it. The Princesses aren't sure what this is, but it looks pretty moonlight-related, so Elwin looks to the moon and calls out for his fairy godmother. The moonlight coalesces and she stands before them!

The Moon Lady listens to what they've found, and realization hits her. There's a cat, she says, that lives on the moon. "A Moon Cat?" says Angelica, and suddenly the cat appears.

The Moon Cat is huge, big enough to chase down and catch a horse if it so desired. It has black, sparkly fur and it wears gold bangles on its legs, tail, and head, but the one on its head seems to be missing a stone. Also, Elwin can't understand the Moon Cat - it seems to understand them, but its dialect of the cat language isn't one that translates. 

Still, the characters manage to figure out a few things. The Moon Cat admits to stealing the eggs, but was blackmailed into it by...someone...who stole the stone from its circlet. The ask where the ice came from, and it leaps into the air and flies all the way to the moon, and then flies back and lands in front of them. When it does, a blast of cold air accompanies it and freezes the water in the river immediately around it. 

But where are the eggs now? The Moon Cat indicates that they are under the city. Who stole them? This requires a bit of charades with the Moon Cat, but it mimes something with arms but not legs. A little perplexed, they return to the city and speak with the guard.

They describe the creature that the Moon Cat told them about, and the guard remembers a story his mother told him when he was young. Supposedly, many years ago, there was a noble in the All-City who tried to stage a bloody coup and take over, but he failed and was cursed to become the Dragon Worm. The way the guard heard it, he would snatch naughty children, but he's heard other versions, too, where the Dragon Worm wants his own kingdom. Maybe that's why he stole the eggs, then, to make his own nation of snakes?

The guard shows them to a building that leads into the tunnels beneath the city, and helps them pry up the grate. He arranges for their horses to be stabled, and while Horace asks if he should come, Elwin says that it's too dangerous for him (Horace is totally down, though; we decided there's probably a game of Heckin' Good Doggos taking place in parallel to this game where Horace and his pack go on an adventure after leaving the Princesses). 

Rosabelle takes off her frilly, ruffly dress and descends into the sewers with her leathers (Angelica has long since abandoned her noble kit; she prefers to dress like a peasant. Elwin stays in his fancier clothes, but his are a little more practical for this). They descend into a big, round room with several exits. One of them has drag marks, so the Princesses head that way...but then a huge insect surfaces from the muck! It doesn't attack, but beats its wings together, producing a hideous screaming sound!

The Princesses resist the giant cicada's sonic assault, but it also acts as a signal. A bunch of little humanoid creatures carrying sharpened sticks appear and charge them!

Elwin roars at them and all but three flee into the sewers. The remaining ones attack with their sharpened sticks, and trade blows with the Princesses. Angelica spins with her battle-ax, Rosabelle bops one with her staff, and Elwin fires arrows point-blank, but the rot goblins give as good as they get. One of them cracks Elwin across the face and drops him, but Rosabelle mimics their form and drops a goblin! Angelica tosses a net over one, entangling it, and the last one flees.

They interrogate the captured goblin; it doesn't speak their language but points them toward the Dragon Worm. Rosabelle heals Elwin, but sees a bunch of white blisters around his mouth - the Rot Mouth Curse! Fortunately Rosabelle's magic tears can handle it ("quick, tell me something sad!" "You can't really pull off ruffles!") and cure him, and she even has a few tears left over!

The three of the sneak into the chamber of the Dragon Worm. It's curled up, asleep, in the middle of the room - humanoid on top, with two arms ending in wicked claws, and the bottom half of a great serpent. Angelica clambers up the sloped walls and sees that it's curled around the eggs, and all 11 of them seem to be accounted for. They try to rig up something with the net to get the eggs out, but the goblins ripped it up too much. Nothing for it but violence!

Angelica strikes the sleeping monster with her ax, and it rears up, roaring, and wraps her up in its coils. It bites her, and she collapses, wounded. Elwin whistles and calls up an alligator (they live in the sewers, everyone knows that), and it bites at the Dragon Worm, and Rosabelle dumps her tears on Angelica to revive her. The battle is joined, and although the Princesses suffer injuries, they manage to weaken the Dragon Worm enough that Rosabelle can kiss it on the snoot. This immediately calms it, removing the hate from its heart, and it's willing to talk with them.

It confesses to stealing the eggs and says that it wanted a family, which is nice enough, but then it mentions wanting to visit bloody vengeance upon the descendants of those who wronged it. The Princesses try to convince it to mend its ways, but the magic kiss is wearing off and finally Elwin puts an arrow in the back of its head. "Better this way," he says. "We were losing it."

The Princesses call up to the guard and tell him to fetch Eunectes and tell him what's happening. Moments later he and Queen Sorella arrive, and start moving the eggs out (Eunectes also tells the characters that they should walk away and not watch what happens to the Dragon Worm's body, as Queen Sorella begins to unhinge her jaw). 

A short while later, everyone reconvenes in the Council Room, and the Naocomida Accords are signed once again! The Princesses have prevented war between the Sucuri and the Kingdoms, and defeated an ancient evil! Time for a picnic!

One-Shot: High Noon at Midnight - Showdown at Alchemist Alley!

Last night we played some rootin' tootin' High Noon at Midnight! Yee-haw!

(Actually it was pointed out that we're not sure about the rootin' tootin', though my dog Noodle has been known to both root and toot, so he's got us covered there.)

Anyway, on we go!

I wound up running one of the scenarios in the HNaM book, which I found to be very well-written and easy to follow, which, as someone who used to write scenarios for RPGs quite often, I know is no mean trick. Anyway, our setting is the Ghost Range, something very much like the American Wild West but decidedly not, so as to avoid all of the horrible shit that comes with that period in history. But also with the addition of ghosts, demons, and alchemy. 

Our heroes are all weary travelers, all converging on the city of Midnight, probably the biggest city out here, with a population of over 5000. They all have their own reasons to be out in the badlands, but they're all at least a little glad of some company...

First, we have Mabel Underwood, the Weird Speaker who Shepherds Spirits. Mabel is an itinerant ghost physician, and as she's quick to tell you, that means she treats people who have ghost problems, not ghosts that are sick. Maybe travels around in a wagon with a big ghost painted on the side, pulled by an ancient horse named Thistle. She's very affable and prone to quoting Scripture when she needs to encourage others.

And then there's Flynte Locke, the Trigger-Happy Explorer who Shoots Fire and Lead. Flynte used to be a Marshall, but encountered so much corruption in the organization that he left. He travels around now, doing what work he can and picking up the occasional bounty. He carries a gun infused with the power of death, letting him shoot forth black tendrils of rot at his enemies. 

Next we have Sage "Tumbleweed" Steele, the Exiled Warrior that Masters Weaponry. Tumbleweed travels, too, but remains alone, running away from some tragedy that he never speaks of. Sometimes, though, you can catch him rubbing a locket with a sad fondness...but he's not the only tragic figure here.

Raven Starr, the Guarded Adept who Was Foretold was being trained in magic, but her power and insight far outstripped her mentors' abilities to keep up with her. One day she accidentally burned the place where she was being trained, and fled, not knowing if she was wanted by the legitimate law, the witches she ran from, or both. 

And finally, there's Ember Henley, the Unforgiving Warrior that Bears a Halo of Fire. Ember was a homesteader, living out in the prairie with her family, and then one day it all burned. She knows that none of her family lived, and she knows with certainty that someone set that fire. She also knows that she carries the fire within her now, and she's going to unleash it on the ones who took her life from her.

These five people arrive in the city of Midnight one day. Mabel stows her wagon and Thistle at the livery ("don't you give him no oats, now, you won't like what happens"), and then the five of them head for Alchemist Alley. There's a store there called the Alchemitorium that they wish to visit. Flynte hasn't been here in a while, but he recollects a lady named Ainsley Yang runs it and he wants to say hi and see if she has anything interesting to sell. But as they approach the corner, they hear gunshots!

Flynte charges in with no regard for life or limb. He sees two rough-looking men wearing bandanas around their faces guarding the door of the Alchemitorium, holding rifles. Several people lie in the street, bleeding, but alive - apparently these guys aren't interested in just murdering people outright, but they do raise their rifles at Flynte. 

But Flynte shoots first, hitting one with an inebriating round. The outlaw is suddenly tipsy, and stumbles a bit. Mabel ducks behind the corner for cover and starts yelling Bible verses to the others, while Raven sneaks around the back and slips in the door to the store. There, she finds two more people - a man dressed similarly to the others outside, and a woman with long black hair and a seriously bad temper. She rants and raves and smashes stuff, and when she sees Raven she yells "Ainsley! That you, you miserable poisonin'" the rest of her rant is obscured by gunshots as she fires at Raven, but it probably isn't complimentary. 

Tumbleweed, for his part, whips his rifle to his shoulder and shoots the other outlaw square in the chest, dropping him dead. Ember, still wondering if this is a scuffle she needs to be involved in, takes in the situation and spots two more outlaws on the roof of the hotel across the street. She decides that the people in the street don't deserve to die like her family, and yells a warning to the others. 

The outlaws fire, but aren't able to hit anyone. In the store, Raven calls up a magic field around her, crackling with aqua-colored energy, and then the woman rounds the corner and fires at her. The spell absorbs it, but Raven is annoyed, and unleashes magic, slamming the woman against the wall and dazing her.

Outside, Flynte shoots the outlaw with another drunky shot, and the man falls over, reaching for his gun and mumbling something about horseflies. Tumbleweed notes the guys on the hotel hiding behind the ridge of the roof, but figures that ain't bulletproof, and shoots through it. He hears a faint "aw, hell with this" and suddenly there's no one on the roof to worry about anymore. 

But still one desperado in the store! Flynte and Ember approach the door, while Mabel goes to check on the folks in the street. The outlaw in the store, not entirely sure what's happening with Raven and his companion, grabs a bottle off the shelf and hucks it into the street. Lightning flies up from the ground, and then a humanoid figure made of lighting and surrounded by swirling dust rises up!

The elemental throws lightning right down a line, aiming for Flynte, Ember, and Tumbleweed. But Flynte and Ember nimbly dodge, and Tumbleweed takes in the chest. "All right," he growls "let's see if you freeze." He loads an icy round into his pistol and shoots the elemental. The bullet whizzes by Ember and Flynte's ears and they exhale a hoary breath just before the elemental becomes encased in a block of ice, lighting sparkling within. 

The last outlaw surrenders, and the characters tie up the three survivors. The sheriff, a young fellow named Billy Winthrop, arrives on scene (he's been trying to get the rest of the citizenry out of harm's way), and talks with Flynte. He identifies the woman as Inez Cabello, and says that this is all very unlike her - she's a rancher and always seemed to have been a level-headed sort. Mabel talks with her, and she explains that she was sure that Ainsley Yang poisoned and killed all her cattle...but she only had the word of Boone to know that.

Boone? Yeah, he and his boys showed up at her ranch and they seemed good sorts, so she let them stay, but then all her cattle died. He told her that Yang was responsible and she just saw red. "I think," says Flynte, "that this Boone may have been messin' with your mind."

"Yep, probably," says another voice. Ainsley Yang steps out of nowhere, but then clarifies. "I ain't Ainsley," she says. "I'm just using her form. Ain't that a kick?" She flickers a little, and the characters see a figure with glowing, smoky red eyes standing there before "Ainsley" reappears. Mabel figures it for one of the "strange folk," probably a shape-shifter, but that doesn't make it demonic necessarily. 

"Well," it says, "Boone called in a favor and had me come out here and pretend to be Ainsley a while and look for this thing called the 'Hand of the Eclipse.' You humans, you're always looking for a Grail or a Chalice or a Lance or a Helen of Troy or whatever, like it's gonna solve everything. Anyway, I couldn't find it, so I guess Boone got impatient and sent these idiots." 

"Boone..." Ember muses. "Where did he come from?" 

Inez thinks. "Out of the Northwest, I think?"

Ember seethes. That's where her homestead was. "Did he kill my family?"

Fake-Ainsley shrugs. "Dunno. I think he'd burn a homestead, though."

The characters look around the place a bit, and find a few more alchemical bullets. Raven finds a lead box and tries to open the latch, but can't, whereupon Ember just shoots it open. Inside are two scraps of paper with words of power on them - break and door. 

Fake-Ainsley sidles up to Flynte and hands him a vial and a piece of paper. "Think you oughta have this," she says. Flynte reads the paper. It says to pour it on "me" if "I'm" covered in crystals, and it's sign "A.Y." Flynte pockets it. 

Inez asks for the characters to help - Boone played with her mind and now he's back at her ranch, doing who knows what. Flynte agrees, and when Sheriff Winthrop comes back he says that Inez isn't responsible for what she did and stakes his reputation on it. That's good enough for Billy, and he lets Inez go, but has the other two hauled off to the hoosegow. 

When apprised of the full situation, Billy asks for the characters to accompany Inez back to her ranch and deal with this Boone character. "He's got a bounty on him anyway," says Billy, "$3000." That's a good motivation, but Ember would probably do it for free...

"I'll tag along," says Fake-Ainsley. "Y'all are fun." 

They get provisions together, and then the next day head out. Inez says it's only about a day's ride. 

At the end of the first day, they camp, and they haven't seen the ranch. They figure they're moving slower because of the wagon (Thistle does not, after all, ride like the wind). 

At the end of the second day, Inez admits she's confused as to where they are. Come morning, Flynte and Ember put their heads together and use all their know about navigation and tracking, and by the end of the third day, they find Inez' ranch. As they approach, they realize that it's surrounded by cairns made from the bones of slaughtered cattle.

Mabel figures that these things are what's making the ranch hard to find; she can sense the magic from the cairns, but nothing from within the ranch. Fake-Ainsley points out the writing on the skulls and Raven identifies it as demonic script - Boone might be a demon possessing a person, or just otherwise demonically influenced. Trouble is, Raven gets up close and starts reading the script aloud, absent-mindedly, but she triggers something, and the cairn pulls itself together into a huge, skeletal steer. "MOOOOOOO." 

It lowers its horns to charge. Flynte shoots it, cracking its skull, and Raven dives out of the way of its horns. Tumbleweed puts a rifle shot in the crack and its head crumbles, and the bones collapse.

The characters kick over a couple more of these things, and Mabel feels the enchantment on the ranch fade. "Good," says Fake-Ainsley, "now if you don't come out, I'll be able to tell Sheriff Winthrop where to find this place." The characters prepare to move in, and Tumbleweed tosses Fake-Ainsley a harmonica. "Here you go," he says by way of thanks. "Aw, thanks, partner!" Fake-Ainsley tosses Tumbleweed a bullet, corroded and ashy, and Tumbleweed, knowing alchemy when he sees it, keeps it around for later.

The six of them move into the ranch grounds, accompanied by the low and eerie sounds of Fake-Ainsley playing the harmonica in the distance. Nothing stirs. Mabel calls on her highly attuned magical senses, and feels death coming from the bunkhouse and dire magic from the main house. They decide to investigate the bunkhouse first...and inside, find the outlaw gang.

What's left of it, anyway. There are men on the bunks, all dead, with their hearts cut out. Demonic writing adorns the walls, and the whole place smells like a tanner's worst pair of knickers. But Mabel knows that where violent death lurks, often there's a ghost wanting to chat. She finds one of the bodies and notes that the man is barefoot, and sets out some whiskey and a few of Dr. Graham's Digestives and calls up his ghost.

The young man's spirit sits up and floats down the floor. "Where are my boots?" he says. Mabel doesn't know. "Them boots was expensive," he says. "Them boots were handmade out in Crescent. That sonofabitch Boone took my boots? Maybe when he cut out my heart?"

Mabel asks him to elaborate. "Boone, that sonofabitch, he killed us all and took out our hearts, and then he woke a few of us up and now he's got 'em chanting in the basement trying to wake up that rock lady." He confirms that Boone has Ainsley, but that she broke some alchemical thingie and covered herself in crystals, and now she's unable to talk, which means Boone's unable to question her. 

Ember nudges Mabel, and Mabel asks about the homestead. "Well, we did rob a homestead," says Boots, "and it did burn down, but I didn't have nothing to do with that! Me and Chip, we went to the barn to steal some chickens, and then there's this fwoosh and the house goes up, and Boone walks out with the fire behind him! I think Royce was with him, but I wasn't!"

That's good enough for Ember. Mabel promises to return his boots to him and bury them with him, and Boots thanks her and fades away. 

Inez confirms that there's a cellar - she found a natural cave and used it to make a root cellar. The characters approach the house and Ember hears chanting coming from below. Good - that means they're otherwise occupied.

The six of them sneak down the stone steps to the cellar, but just as they get to the bottom, Raven slips and knocks a stone down the stairs! The chanting stops, and five men turn to them.

Four of the men have big holes in their chests, the gaps where their hearts used to be. That makes them risen, undead men often bound to the one that raised them. The fifth man, of course, is Boone, a well-heeled, well-dressed man standing at the far end of the room, behind a stature of a woman in a circle of blood - probably Ainsely.

There's a moment of tension. The men's hands hover over their guns. And then Tumbleweed whips up his rifle and fires. 

A demon like Boone isn't vulnerable to much, but the round that Tumbleweed fires is a heavenly fire round. It strikes Boone and knocks him back, and Flynte follows with a soul-killing round. Boone realizes that he's in danger. He yells "kill him!", indicating Tumbleweed, and the risen advance and all fire on Tumbleweed. He weathers that storm pretty well, but he doesn't have another onslaught in him.

And to make matters worse, Boone casts a charm on Ember. Her vision blurs, and then she realizes that she's surrounded by six Boones! She whips out her pistol and shoots one, and it falls, bleeding (she has, in fact, shot Inez). Raven throws Ember back with magic, hoping to snap her out of it, and Mabel tries to talk to her down. 

Tumbleweed has a more elegant solution; he shoots Boone in the forehead and drops him. But one of his boys says "oh, I got it!" and pulls out a playing card from his pocket. He tears it in half, and Boone stands up, revived!

Flynte charges in, firing at the risen, but they turn on him and fire back, injuring him and dropping him to one knee. Ember, the spell broken when Boone died, calls up the fire and bursts into flame, provoking awe from her companions. She runs into the fight and punches one of the risen in the chest, and hears his flesh sizzle as he screams.

Raven comes up and starts hucking whatever she has in her pockets - a horsehoe (which hits Ember by accident), a knife (which embeds itself in a risen's shoulder). Mabel fires her little pistol at Boone, but misses, and then starts yelling encouragement to the others. The risen fire on Flynte again and injure him further, and he takes a moment to call on his reserves of strength, standing up and calling the power of death into his gun.

Tumbleweed shoots Boone a third time, and the heavenly fire kicks in - Boone turns into a pillar of salt! Ember sees this and seethes, as she wanted to see him burn, but his boys are still around. She punches the one again, and he bursts into flame and collapses into giblets. Flynte shoots another and it bursts, and Ember loads a hellfire slug into her pistol and kills the third. 

The last one drops his gun and raises his hands - he's missing his heart, but he's still got a brain. "You Chip?" asks Tumbleweed. "Naw," he says, "I ain't!" "That's a shame," he says, and puts a bullet in his head. 

Flynte pours the potion on the rocky statue, and the crystals fall away from Ainsley Yang. She motions to the shackles she's bound in, and Ember uses the power word that Raven gave her and snaps them in two. Ainsley thanks them - Boone was after the Hand of the Eclipse, and he could have used that to...well, do some bad things. 

They hear a moan from the other end of the room. "Oh, shit, Inez!" She's gut-shot, thanks to Ember ("sorry, thought you were Boone." "It's OK, he does stuff like that."), but Mabel gets her stable. She needs a doctor now, though. Fortunately, Raven still has the other power word, and she opens a door back to Midnight.

Most of the characters go through, but Mabel has to stay (Thistle and the wagon won't fit, plus she promised to give the ghost back his boots), and Ember has some unfinished business. She smashes the salt pillar and burns it - no idea if that's necessary, but it is for her.

That finished, the rest of them head back to Midnight, wondering what sights they might see on the way...

One-Shot: Feng Shui 2nd Ed: Tomb-Rollers!

Yesterday we played a one-shot of Feng Shui 2nd Ed. I have, of course, run this game before - we played a campaign that last just about a year and a half, ending almost nine years ago. 

Anyway, for this game, I ignored the Chi War entirely and was very happy to have done so. We open our story in Los Angeles, at an abandoned lazer tag arena, now the hideout of the notorious street gang known as the Neon Death Monkeys! 

(If you've seen Batman Forever, imagine the gang Robin's fighting when he steals the Batmobile.)

These Monkeys don't know their days are numbered, however, as a group of unrelated warriors are converging on them...

The skylight (lazer tag arenas have skylights, right?) explodes downward and a man carrying a bow and multiple quivers descends! He is Zhou Yu, the Archer! He is a warrior from the Han dynasty, presently possessing the body of his great-great-etc grandson, Zhou Hu, an Olympic archer. Brought forward in time to rectifying a spiritual imbalance - bringing Zhou Lu, his evil, time-traveling mother, to justice, he looses an arrow and pins a Monkey to a wall! 

The Monkeys respond and one of them, wearing a black suit and a string tie, points at Yu and yells "SHOOT HIM!" (Tactical brilliance, right here.) Some of the Monkeys do, but then a window bursts inwards on the other side of the building and a man in a skull mask appears - Skruller, the Masked Avenger! He shoots one of the Monkeys, and a bunch more run for the exits!

The loading bay doors open, revealing the lean, imposing figure of Reanu Keeves, the Killer! He's been hired to kill the three leaders of the Monkeys - Sneaky Luco, Magenta Marmoset, and Benny the Bite - on behalf of some mysterious employer. All he knows is that they stole something from said employer, an ancient sarcophagus. He just wants to finish this job and go home to feed his beloved pet tortoise. He shoots down a Death Monkey and strides quietly into the room. 

He is followed, however by Wombat Leonard, the Bounty Hunter! Wombat is on the hunt for Magenta Marmoset - they have history (Magenta cut off her ear and stole her koala jacket in a previous encounter). Brandishing her shotgun, Lucille, she calls out Magenta...and Magenta answers, slipping on her brass knuckles and heading for Wombat. 

One final hero enters the fray - Bruce, the Big Bruiser. Bruce is a simple man, a bartender and a roustabout...but was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease. Figuring that his time on Earth is limited, he's decided to do some good for community, and what better way than to fuck up the Neon Death Monkeys? He wades into the fray swinging a bat. 

The Monkeys respond! Some of them shoot at Yu, wounding him, and he drops to the ground. A few pull bats and try to beat on Skruller, but his body armor absorbs it. A couple of have switchblades and poke at Bruce, but he laughs as such trivial injures. Magenta runs along the tops of the thin arena walls and lands in front of Wombat, attempting to punch, but misses, and Wombat and Reanu shoot her! Luco unloads an Uzi at Yu, but Yu rolls and pins him to the wall with a pair of arrows.

The final leader, Benny the Bite draws a machete and closes on Skruller, but again, Skruller is too well-armored. Luco fires wildly at Yu and misses, but hits the sarcophagus (which Yu had landed near). There comes a crack, and evil magic starts to escape. Yu looks on, worried, but continues planting arrows it mooks.

Reanu calmly walks through the carnage, capping off Monkeys, and sees that both Luco and Magenta have been dispatched. He climbs up on a raised vantage point and aims a rifle at Benny, shooting him in the back as Skruller battles him (Benny tries to bite through Skruller's armor with his metal teeth, but that doesn't work, either). Yu leaps up and lands next to Reanu, informing him about the danger of the sarcophagus, but Reanu has a job to do. CRACK.

Benny falls dead, and the last of the Death Monkeys follow a moment later. But the sarcophagus cracks open and disgorges a stream of huge, white moths with skull-like markings on their wings. They flow out of the arena and fly next door...into the Golden Wheels Roller Rink! 

The heroes watch this helplessly, and take a moment to reload and reconnoiter (Yu pokes himself a few times and closes up some bullet wounds). But a moment is all they can afford as people start running from the rink, screaming in terror! More trouble is in the offing, and the five of them head across the street (Reanu perhaps reluctantly, as no one's paying him for this...and yet, a childhood incident involving moths spurs him on). 

The heroes enter the rink to chaos! The patrons have been changed into tomb-walkers...only they're on skates, so more like tomb-rollers! Their skin has gone white and papery, their eyes pure black, and they are covered in thin layers of dust! "We can't let them escape," mutters Skruller. 

"All right, then," says Wombat. She leaps the counter and blasts the Skate Rental guy. He picks up a pair of skates and lashes out! Reanu vaults the half-wall leading to the rink and guns down a few more, while Bruce picks up a goddamn Coke machine and smashes four of the tomb-rollers with it! Skruller steps on a pair of loose skates and rides them all the way down a corridor, shoot tomb-rollers along the way. The Concession Stand guy hisses and runs towards Skruller, a fire extinguisher conspicuously on his back, and claws at the avenger's mask.

An old man (now a tomb-roller) with ill-fitting dentures leaps at Yu, and Yu kicks a cart laden with disinfectant cans at him. He shoots the cans and a cloud of pine-smelling mist erupts in the face of Dentures McGee, but he emerges from the smoke and coughs up a gout of tomb dust at Yu! Meanwhile, an old lady moves with surprisingly speed and claws at Reanu. He leaps up into the lighting and shoots at her, but Old Crazy Mildred scuttles up the wall like a spider at him! He fires again, and she lands on her ass.

The DJ booth erupts to life! The musical stylings of DJ Geritol are bad enough to sap the energy from the heroes! Wombat, having won her battle with Skate Rental Paulie, leaps into the DJ booth and switches the music. Skruller takes down Concession Stand Joey, but his fire extinguisher explodes, injuring Skruller but dropping more tomb-rollers. Reanu leaps down and finishes off Old Crazy Mildred, and Bruce smashes up the last couple of tomb-rollers. 

A hush falls over the roller rink and the heroes regroup. Yu pokes a bunch of them, healing their wounds, and Wombat heads back to the lazer tag arena to find her damn jacket. She does...but also realizes that the sarcophagus is missing! 

Reanu reflects that this only makes sense; he was hired by one Amon Villius to kill the thieves that stole it in the first place. Yu notes that the relief on the side of sarcophagus depicted a death god - a Roman death god named Orcus. Wombat does a bit of detective work and finds a phrases associated with Orcus: cum Orco rationem habere - to reason with Orcus, or to face death. But she's seen that phrase before! It lines a stone archway in an old building in the city!

The heroes head out for their final battle, and find the archway, covered in tomb moths and glowing with purple energy. Skruller rigs up a makeshift flamethrower and torches the moths, but the glow remains. The heroes step through into a strange realm of black stone. A host of undead Roman soldiers await them, and seated on a dais, flanked by an immense warrior with a maul and a skinny emo twink with a mop of black hair sits Orcus himself. "Which of you is Villius?" he booms. "He promised me a tribute." 

The heroes ready their weapons. 

"Oh, you are the tribute!" Orcus stands. "Excellent! Warriors! Kill the tribute!" And the battle is joined!

Orcus charges off the dais and runs into battle with his greatsword, squaring off against Bruce, the obvious warrior of the five. Reanu leaps to a huge stone slab for a better vantage point, but the emo guy scampers up next to him and slashes at him with twin daggers! Skruller torches one of the warriors with his flamethrower and a bunch more run off into the Underworld, and Wombat names Orcus as her quarry and fires Lucille. Bruce battles Orcus, while Yu backs up and hits Orcus with arrows, and Maximus, the big guy, charges into battle and clocks Skruller with his hammer! 

Orcus spins with this sword and knocks Wombat, Bruce, and Skruller back, and Emotus slashes open Reanu's shirt. Blood flows, and Reanu stumbles - will he ever see his tortoise again!? But the sustained assault on Orcus wears him down, and Yu fires what should be the fatal arrow at the death god...but one of his warriors leaps in the way!

Realizing that they cannot kill Orcus while his minions still fight, Skruller torches more of them, sending the survivors running. Reanu kicks Emotus to the stone slab, lands with a foot on his abdomen, and shoots in him the head. He falls, gracefully, landing on the cold, black ground, blood forming the shape of a dove around him. 

The remaining minions gone, Wombat turns Lucille on Orcus, and shoots him down. The god of death falls dead, and his throne goes black and starts to suck in everything around it.

The heroes run...but Bruce picks up Orcus' sword. He feels a pull to the throne, and realizes that if he goes back, he is only going back to die. He takes the sword up, and sits on the throne as Bruce, God of Death! 

The others node respectfully as they leave the death realm. Yu is the last one out, and sees a woman appear from somewhere in the dark and take Bruce's hand - his mother, Zhou Lu, still trying to become a goddess. 

The four of them emerge into the Los Angeles night, and go their separate ways. Reanu heads home to stitch up his wounds and feed Speedster, his tortoise. Wombat goes to get some taquitos and find her next quarry. The Skruller heads back to his hunting grounds to find the Neon Death Monkeys who escaped their first battle. 

And Yu heads back to his apartment, where his venerated ancestor spirit leaves his body...but informs him that the imbalance is not yet corrected. (dramatic music sting) 

Home By Dark: Dinosaur Camp!

Yesterday we played a game that's been on my one-shot list for a long time, Home by Dark! This is a GMless game in the "kids on bikes" genre, heavily inspired by E.T. and Harry and the Hendersons (and a bunch of others I don't feel like listing here). So let's get into it!

Our setting is Camp Okachobee, a summer camp (or "sleepaway camp," which is apparently a known term but not one I ever heard until I saw the movie of the same name, despite attending a bunch of these camps in my youth). Anyway, Camp Okachobee is mostly staffed by young counselors. You can attend as a camper until 13 or you enter 9th grade, whichever comes first, and then you can come back as a counselor-in-training for a year, and then you can be a counselor until you turn 18. There are adult staff, of course, but we don't see much of them in this story. 

Our characters are:

• Mel Olsen: Mel is 17, meaning this may be his last year as a counselor. Mel is a nice enough guy, but he spends a lot of his time smoking weed behind the camp office. 
• Sammie Olsen: Sammie is 10, and is Mel's little brother. Sammie is an outdoorsy sort, good at tracking and other Boy Scout related things, and shares an interest in archery with Christy (although he's not nearly as good as she is).
• Christy Stone: Christy is 11-and-a-half. She's got braces and pigtails and likes running and archery, and she's actually a good shot. She's the head camper in her cabin. She and Sammie are buddies.
• Henry Swora: Henry is 13, but a young 13. He's a little on a chunky side, he's got black hair and big glasses, and he's also the head camper in his cabin (which means he goes to special things with Christy and the other head campers sometimes). He shares an interest in bugs with Cassie. He goes by his last name, for some reason.
• Cassie [no surname given]: Cassie is 14, and this is her first year as a CIT, which means she's kind of under Mel's mentorship (except she actually read the manual!). She's a rule follower, and, like Henry, is into bugs.

A few days ago, these five folks were on a hike and got lost (probably because they let Mel navigate). They found themselves in a cave, and as they were debating exploring further, a wall collapsed! They ran out and were follow by...a baby ankylosaur!

They named him Franklin (because he looks like a big turtle), and he followed them back to the camp. They know they need to keep him a Secret, because if word gets out that there's a dinosaur in camp they're going to take him away and dissect him or something! 

The kids don't know it, but there's already a hunter after Franklin - Marcus Jowlsworth, the Pursuer. Jowlsworth is vaguely British and has a huge mustache and wants the prestige of being the only man alive to have a hunted a dinosaur! 

And, of course, we have our Danger. Franklin is baby. His mama hasn't notice him missing yet...but she will before long. 

Act I

We begin our movie in the mess hall at breakfast. It's pancake day! Sammie and Christy are eating together when they notice a familiar beak appear behind the pancake table. Franklin has found them! (We figured there was an establishing shot of Franklin walking through the kitchen and the staff just not noticing him.)

Sammie and Christy think quickly, and Sammie leads Franklin out of the mess hall by laying a trail of pancakes (which he really likes, especially the blueberry ones), while Christy distracts Mr. Shelborne, the camp owner, by asking a lot of really inane questions about today's activities verrrrry sloooowly. It works, and they get the little dinosaur out the back of the mess hall! 

Meanwhile, Mel and Cassie are in the Camp Office. They're meant to be working (cleaning, answering phones, whatever), but Cassie is straightening up while Mel jams on his walkman. She pokes him a little to try and get him to work; it doesn't much help. But then - a knock at the door! A man of indeterminate age but certainly not a camper or counselor enters, preceded by his immense mustache. 

He claims to be an employee of the Forestry Service (I want to note that I had not seen Harry and the Hendersons at this point, so while I was playing Jowlsworth I had no idea that David Suchet's character used the same ploy) and tells Cassie and Mel that he needs to inspect the forests. And there's quite a lot, so he'll be here a few days. They ask if Mr. Shelborne knows he's coming and he says that yes, he's spoken to Mr. Sheldon extensively ("Shelborne." "Yes, of course."), no need for alarm. They are immediately suspicious, possibly because this guy is a terrible liar, and finally Mel says they can't just let him on the property without permission. Cassie goes to get Mr. Shelborne ("Yes, go and get Mr. Shelsky-" "Shelborne." "Yes, of course.") while the man goes to his truck. But when Cassie gets there, he and his truck are nowhere to be found!

On her way back to the office, Cassie bumps into Sammie and Christy, who are still leading Franklin around - but they're out of pancakes and Franklin wants to play. Christy, fortunately, has some fruit roll-ups, and Franklin is very happy about that, so with some pulling and prodding they lead him to a shed to hide him for a while. 

Christy, following this, goes to the Waterfall (it's not very big, but it's pretty) to unwind and be alone for a moment. As she sits there, she hears something big moving in the brush, something with big thumpy footsteps and heavy, scary breathing. She holds her breath until it passes by - whatever it was, it's not looking for her. She runs back to camp and rejoins the day's activities.

A little later, she and Swora are at the nature cabin. Swora is looking at a bumblebee under a microscope and chattering about how cool it is, and Christy finally interrupts to tell him about Franklin and the pancakes and more importantly Franklin's mom. Swora initially doesn't believe it - it's weird enough that there's one dinosaur, but now you think there's a whole family? Sammie wanders in about then and lends his voice in support, and Swora reluctantly admits that it's possible. But then we pan the camera up and see Jowlsworth listening outside the window, and making notes. "Frankin. Mama? Fruit roll-ups? £!"

Meanwhile, Mel goes to his stash, hidden in a hollow log outside the Camp Office ("Dinosaurs and big mustache guys, I am way too sober for this!"). He discovers that Franklin apparently had the same idea, because the little dino is happily chomping down the last of Mel's weed. He walks a little unsteadily forward, just as Cassie arrives to tell Mel off for earlier. "What did you do?" 

"I didn't do anything! He ate my...stuff!" Franklin wobbles happily, and then sees the Camp Office and goes toddling towards it. The two of them try, but are unable to prevent him from smashing his way in, whereupon he turns around, gets a tarp caught on his shell-nubs, and blunders back into the woods. The office, however, is completely destroyed. 

Cassie and Mel follow Franklin, trying to lead him back to the cave because this is all getting out of hand. But Jowlsworth emerges and sees Franklin, and demands that the kids just go back to camp ("why are this dinosaur's pupils so big?"). They refuse, obviously, and Jowlsworth first tries to bribe them, and then threaten them. But they aren't having it and shove him down an embankment ("oof! oh! drat!"). 

Back at camp, Sammie and Swora have found the smashed-up office. They find not only Franklin's footprints leading off into the woods, but much larger but similar footprints ("OK, I admit it, there's a mama.") But the big footprints veer off away from camp, and the little ones lead into the woods - apparently no danger (yet) of the mama rolling into camp.

Later that day, the campers are at the lake. Most of the campers are swimming, but Swora, Christy, and Cassie are down the bank a little ways. Swora is looking at water striders and dragonflies, and Christy and Cassie are pretending to be interested (well, Cassie probably really is), but in truth, both of the girls are afraid of swimming in the lake. But just then, the raft out on the water tips up, a bunch of kids fall off and scream, and our three heroes perk up. Is Franklin's mama swimming? Is there another dinosaur!? The kids in the water think it was just Chip (an older counselor, and kind of a dick)...but no, Chip is right here on the beach!

The three of them swim for it, realizing they have to get the kids away from the raft if there's a dinosaur. Cassie and Christy both push themselves to overcome their fear and swim! But when they get there, they discover that it's just Dale, Chip's twin brother, who flipped the raft (Dale is also a dick). 

The kids get out of the lake and return toward camp. Christy is out of immediate sight, and Sammie is walking with her, talking about the day ("fruit roll-ups, who knew") when suddenly Jowlsworth appears from the brush and grabs Christy! He tells her that she's going to show him where this dinosaur is or else. Sammie demands that if he's taking Christy, he takes Sammie, too, and Jowlsworth scoffs and asks why he should. Sammie doesn't answer, but his deep red blush says it all. 

Christy, not ready to be a damsel in distress at such a tender age, stomps down on Jowlsworth's foot ("OW! Drat! Blast!") and the two of them run the heck away back to camp...just in time for tonight's festivities! 

Act II

The camp is having a big bonfire! There's a table laid out with marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars. Kids get to find sticks and toast the marshmallows for s'mores. As we open on the scene, our five protagonists are in a row by the fire, toasting. Sammie is sitting next to Christy, obviously. Mel has noticed this dynamic and smirks. 

The five of them talk about Franklin. Sammie's idea is that tomorrow they all get as many pancakes as they can at breakfast and lure Franklin back to the cave. His mama is looking for him, and it's just not safe anymore (no one mentions Jowlsworth, which becomes relevant later). Swora gets up at one point and goes to get more marshmallows, using a big branch with multiple points ("Ah, the antler method," says Mel), and a girl named Linda comes and sits down next to Cassie. Cassie blushes. She likes Linda. Like, likes her, likes her. She thinks. The Indigo Girls' cover of "Romeo and Juliet" starts playing on the radio.

Cassie and Linda banter awkwardly. At one point their elbows touch and they both pull back. They talk about the happenings in camp, about the office getting smashed up by a "bear" (Cassie: "Just make sure you aren't carrying any fruit roll-ups." Linda: "Bears like fruit roll-ups?" Cassie: "They love them."). They talk a bit about Mel, too, and Cassie reveals that he dropped out of high school. 

Meanwhile, Swora and Christy are by the snack table talking about the situation when they hear a cronching sound. They look over and see a package of graham crackers disappear under the table. "Guess he likes crackers, too." A bag of marshmallows disappears. "And marshmallows." 

But just then, Franklin spots Swora toasting multiple marshmallows, lowers himself like a border collie, and starts creeping toward the treats. As he gets closer, Mel notices, and in a desperate bid for a distract, nudges Cassie. She tips forward and winds up lip to lip with Linda! Everyone gasps and then starts laughing, and Linda gets up and runs off. Trouble is, that provides Franklin with a direct sightline to the fire...and he's afraid of fire.

Franklin turns tail and runs, plowing right through the snack table, but it's dark and all people see is the table flip over. The kids try and follow him, but both Swora and Mel are afraid of the woods at night and hesitate. But just then an earsplitting roar echoes over the camp. Mr. Shelborne tries to play it off as a coyote, but our heroes know that Franklin's mama is getting closer.

Sammie and Christy follow Franklin into the woods. He's still panicked from the fire, and probably not feeling very well (too many marshmallows). They hear something in the brush, some kind of low, threatening growl. If it's Franklin's mama, she is not happy with them. The kids panic and run, and Franklin follows them.

Cassie and Swora, meanwhile, are in another part of the woods trying to find the others. They have a brief conversation; Swora asks if Cassie likes Linda, and Cassie says she doesn't know. Swora mentions that his aunt has a girlfriend and his parents aren't cool with it, but he really likes his aunt and he likes her girlfriend so it's cool with him that Cassie likes girls. They come to a fork in the path and can't tell which way the footprints are going, so they pick left. They wind up near the lake, shrug, and head back toward camp. A distance away, Jowlsworth watches, twirling his mustache fiendishly.

Mel finds Sammie and Christy (and Franklin, still following them). They talk about what's happening and Mel is a goof, as usual, despite hopes from other folks that he'll straighten up and be a big brother to Sammie. In any case, they start heading toward the cave, trying in vain to direct Franklin, and in the distance they hear the thundering feet of mama...

But then Jowlsworth emerges, painted in camouflage, and carrying a rifle! He once again tells the kids to stay out of his way - the hunt is on! Mel flips open a butterfly knife and grabs the strap of the rifle, telling him to drop the gun and get out of here. Jowlsworth snarls and acquiesces, and Mel unloads the gun. Mel and Sammie stay with Franklin, and Christy goes running back to camp to tell Mr. Shelborne that there's a man with a gun out here!

When she gets back to the bonfire, Mr. Shelborne and the few other adults are still trying to get everyone calmed down. Christy sees Swora and tells him what happened, including about Jowlsworth (or "mustache guy", as Christy calls him). She runs up to Mr. Shelborne to tell him and starts with the man with the gun. Swora gets on his walkie-talkie to get in touch with Mel (who has the other one) for confirmation, but Mel jokes around too much and then they lose connection. Christy, flustered, spills the beans about Franklin and the mama dinosaur. Mr. Shelborne doesn't believe her about dinosaurs, obviously, but can see she's upset and a man with a gun is plausible, if horrifying. He sends her off to see the nurse ("I keep telling these kids not to lick the mushrooms") and calls the police.

Cassie returns and meets up with Swora, who informs her of what happened. Just then mama lets out another roar. Mr. Shelborne hears it, but stays with the kids rather than follow it. 

In the woods, Mel and Sammie are alone. Sammie is freaking out trying to figure out which way Franklin has gone (he wandered away while the brothers were arguing), and finally just picks a direction randomly. Mel finally stands up and acts like a big brother, calms Sammie down, and helps him figure out which way to go.

Back at camp, Christy has a brilliant idea. She and Cassie raid the mess hall and the Crafts Cabin, gets some supplies, and make a trail for Franklin to follow. They go deeper into the woods and lead Franklin (and his mama!) back toward the cave where this all started. The police are hear, sirens approach, there's even a helicopter. Things are getting serious.

Finally, the kids arrive at the cave. Franklin is there, bumbling around the entrance, following the trail of strawberries Christy left. Sammie grabbed a bow and arrow from the archery range, and Cassie points out a hornet's nest in a tree. "Polistes gallicus," says Swora. "Paper wasp. They won't bother you if you leave them alone but if you mess with their nest-" 

Just then, Jowlsworth emerges! He charges toward Franklin, mayhem in his eye. Sammie tries to hand the bow to Christy, as she's a better shot, but Christy smooches him on the cheek and tells him he can do it! He fires...the arrow arcs toward the nest as Jowlsworth runs beneath it...and he misses. 

Jowlsworth laughs in triumph and raises his gun...

Final Confrontation

...but Mel runs at him and kicks him in the nuts! Jowlsworth falls to the ground in pain, and Mel, Christy, and Cassie surround him and kick him. Franklin toddles into the cave, and from the brush there comes a deep growl. The mama stomps past all of them, Swora directing the dinos with his flashlight, and they enter the cave (which, in a moment of pure 90s discontinuity, is much bigger now). The mama's tail strikes the cave mouth and collapses it, sealing the dinosaurs off, and the police emerge and arrest Jowlsworth for being a creepy jerk with a gun!

Epilogues

The end of summer, the kids are going home. Linda and Cassie exchange numbers and friendship bracelets. Christy and Sammie exchange numbers and she gives him a smooch on the cheek. Mel decides he needs to go finish high school. Swora helps his parents load a big board with all of the bugs he's found and mounted. 

As everyone drives away, we pan back to the lake. A hadrosaur raises its head out, looks around, and goes back to eating. 

Closing credits. 

Garbage & Glory: Trash Run!

As mentioned, last night I dreamt of San Pedro ran a one-shot of Garbage & Glory. Here we go!

A Mask of raccoons stands before an immense stone staircase, leading up and into the mysterious Munci Wastedisp. Raccoon rumor says that immense mounds of Garbage lie within, promising Glory everlasting to the Mask that discovers its secrets...but no Mask has entered and returned. But this Mask feels lucky!

The raccoons are: 

Zabrina Pistachio, also called Sparklefingers, a Mess Magus. Zabrina is versed in Trash Magic, and has a rubbish (a little animated being made of Garbage) made from a frisbee and a pizza cutter. She's named it Rhumba. 

Hobin Marrow, the Trash Trader, a Pile Champion. A priest and warrior of the Infinite Pile, Hobin can hear the voice of the Pile, leading him on to Garbage.

Junkstin Binber, known as Yesterday's Sensation, a Junk Composer. Junkstin carries with him J.B.'s Kozoo-Pipes of Honkitude, a strange and unique musical instrument that can also fire dried peas as deadly (or at least painful) projectiles.

Mooney Crescentroll, the Doughboy, a Sticky Fingers, who wears the emblem of her namesake on her chest. 

The four of them stand before the staircase, and Zabrina stares at the strange markings above the door. "MUNCI WASTE DISP FL OD GAT 3." The Mask puzzles over this. 

"Well, we're in the right place," muses Mooney. 

"What's a 'flod gat', though?" wonders Zabrina. 

"Whatever they are, there's three of them. We'll have to be careful." 

With that, the raccoons tackle their first challenge: the stairs. Mooney pulls out some rusty nails and uses them as pitons to climb up, and then carves her name into the top step (a crescent moon, and then a crescent roll). Junkstin dares Hobin to carry him, and Hobin tries, but they both tumble back down. Zabrina sighs and looks to the right, and sees that next to the stairs there's just...land. She just walks right up.

Eventually Junkstin and Hobin get to the top, and the Mask enters the Munci Wastedisp. Inside, it's strange and alien. Everything is flat surfaces and sharp angles - obviously the place is made by Ogres. Indeed, Zabrina thinks she can hear Ogre-speak echoing through the halls, but can't get a fix on it. 

They come to a crossroads, and Hobin confidently takes them left. They wind up in a room pile high with bags of trash, but very little Garbage (there's a difference). They root around a bit and find a couple of pieces, but this is a dead end - not the treasure they were promised. Hobin leads them directly across the hall, to a room with a flickering light. There's something beyond it, but they aren't sure what...

Mooney tries to sneak in, but the light is too much and she gets spotted. She hears a voice at the other end of the room. "This is our turf, mask-face." A Rat steps forward. 

Mooney pulls herself up to her full height; she doesn't want a fight, but she's much bigger than a rat. But the rat sneers, snaps its fingers, and three more rats appear. 

The other raccoons step into the room, which should have made the rats back down, but rats are not especially bright. They charge Mooney, stabbing at her with their various pointy implements, and the fight is on!

Zabrina calls upon her Shriek spell to break their minds. Junkstin stands back and plays on the kazoo-pipes, firing peas at them, and at one point manages to hit Mooney in the tuckus ("OW!" "SORRY!"). Hobin leaps into the fray with his staff, but the rats turn on him and stomp on his foot, and he backs up and resorts to magic (specifically his Gibber spell that imparts the terrible and stinky wisdom of the Pile). 

The battle is long and hard (lol), but eventually the raccoons beat three of the rats back. The last one, realizing he's alone, points at them and says "Yeah! You just remember that!" and flees. 

The Mask is victorious, but injured. They rest a bit, and search the room. Junkstin finds a can of badly spoiled pineapple, and uses it to upgrade his Pipes of Honkitude to the Pipes of Toxitude! Hobin rolls about and practices his Wriggling, and in the process earns the name Catastrophic Climber. 

All of that done, the Mask moves on. Only one way left to go! That hall leads to a staircase leading down into dark and echoing rooms, and the guttural voices of the Ogres in the near distance...

The Mask moves into the next room, but the Ogres find them and start stomping around at them! They are chased away, separated, in this maze of identical rooms. They discover, too, that if they move too loudly, the Ogres will hear and move towards them...but only Mooney is capable of moving with any real stealth. 

They can use the Ogres' stupidity to their advantage, however! By alternating their movements, they can each get to the corner room where Mooney is waiting without the Ogres finding them. Back together, they descend once again, into the deepest level of the Munci Wastedisp. 

As they go, the wonder if those Ogres were the mysterious "flod gats". If so, there's still one more to contend with. The raccoons steel themselves and enter the final room...and indeed, there is the biggest Ogre they've yet seen! It is clad in green armor and, horribly, has a pincer on its waist, the perfect size for capturing a raccoon! The room is strewn with cages that carry the scent of raccoon - but no raccoons are in evidence. 

But beyond this horror, there is treasure. Four huge bins of Garbage, the fabled treasure of the Munci Wastedisp. And this Ogre, this blasphemous monster, is shoveling it into a fire!

The Mask knows it can't fight an Ogre, but they also know they have to acquire at least a piece of Garbage each in order to prove to their people that they have gone this deep into the Munci Wastedisp. They realize that they'll have to avoid the Ogre, and so Mooney sneaks into the room and wriggles her way into a bin. Zabrina takes a moment to add blinking Christmas lights to Rhumba and sends it in as a distraction, and then sneaks over and finds an opening into one of the bins, but is too plump to pull herself up into it.

Junkstin scampers in and climbs into a bin, grabbing a piece of Garbage, but he knows he's better as a distraction. He jumps out and starts playing his axe-jo ("Anyway, here's 'Wonderwall'"), and the Ogre stops and stares. Hobin rushes in, taking advantage of his mastery of the Dimdank tunnels, and grabs garbage. 

The Ogre grabs Junkstin and tosses him into a cage, but by this time, between Hobin and Mooney, they have found enough Garbage to cement their legends! They quickly free their comrade and slap together enough Garbage to aid their escape, sending Rhumba to stab at the Ogre with its pizza cutter (it doesn't really do damage, but it's a very weird distraction). 

The Mask rushes up a back staircase and out into the outside world, flush with Glory, carrying Garbage, and with an amazing story to tell the kits!  

One-Shot: Hell Night!

Yesterday we did a one-shot game of Hell Night. First, some quick thoughts on the game, then, the summary!

Hell Night nails the atmosphere, I'll say that. You're playing demons brought up from Hell to hunt down the Archons of Hell before Heaven invades at dawn, because the Dark Master has fucked off somewhere to do something else (there's a table to roll on if why he did that becomes important; there's lots of tables). The game is set in and, more importantly, inspired by the 80s, so there's a lot of 80s metal and biker aesthetic. The game book itself, therefore, looks like this in places:

This is some of the easier text to read

All of that is fine, and there is a plain-text version to download, but it's a pain to find any particular thing during play. The system is pretty easy - 2d6, roll under your stat, but if you hit your stat exactly you crit! In play, however, we found that if you don't really specialize in one stat (there's only three), you fail a lot. 

The game succeeds entirely when it comes to vibe - it makes you want to play it. I think if I were going to run it again, I'd need to make some mechanical tweaks or at least clarifications. 

But never mind that! On to the story! SQUEEDLY-DOO! (Lots of squeedly guitar in this game, as Strong Bad might say.)

It's Hell Night, and four demons emerge from a long, deep tunnel where time and space cease to mean anything. They are:

• Ernest Gravely, the Reaper: Burned as a witch in the 1800s, Ernest has risen through the ranks of Hell and now brings sinful souls out of it. He wears a plague doctor's mask...actually that might just be his face. He rides Toothboiler, a Hell Ride that can take the form of a rat when it needs to.
• Raizen, the Slayer: Raizen was birthed from the decomposing remains of a dragon! It resembles a classic devil; red, pointy tail, claws, and carries a war-hammer. It also wears armor made from human windpipes and rides upon Motherfucker, a Hell Ride that whines if it's left alone (it gets lonely). Motherfucker has a sidecar, in which rides Skipper, Raizen's little imp buddy. (We're not sure where he got the sailor's hat.)
• Belphegor, the Usurper: Belphegor was a slayer at one point, but was crippled by an angel and deprived of form. Now it possesses the bodies of humans as necessary. Because of that impermanence, Belphegor doesn't have a Hell Ride of its own.
• Xul-Na'Ful, the Fallen: Once an angel in service to the First Voice, Xul-Na'Ful has Fallen to Hell. He remains completely faithful to the ineffable plan, however. Xul-Na'Ful refuses to get dirty and wears a white suit, scotch-guarded within an inch of its life. 

The demons emerge into the last light of the setting sun on a highway, and pass a sign that says "Las Vegas - 10 Miles." Belphegor seems to have jumped into the body of a man driving a white Pontiac and wearing a white suit with a fabulous hat, and a gold tooth. The four of them continue on into the city, and stop at a huge pool with jetting fountains. Belphegor hears someone whistle. He peaks into the water, and sees his own reflection - but the reflection is him as he should be, the Slayer, before his defeat. "Nope, nope, nope. Someone else look."

The others look; Ernest sees himself burning, nothing but fire and charred flesh ("that's about right."). Xul-Na'Ful sees himself in his true, angelic form ("rude"), and talks with the reflection. The reflection tells them their mission: "Find the deceiving derelict at the fortress of 10,000 illusions." Belphegor searches his host's memory for something that might qualify, and remembers that there's a casino called "Mirror, Mirror" that has a illusion/mirror theme going on. The demons head out - Xul-Na'Ful gets into the Pontiac and leaves his own vehicle, an ATV, behind. Ernest has Toothboiler shrink down to rat form and hop into his pocket, and rides along as well. Before they go Raizen looks into the water and sees...only himself, the Dragon-Born Slayer. Perfect.

The demons cruise down the Strip, but when stopped at a red light, Raizen spots a human with a leather jacket, a deathly pall, and more immediately relevant, a spiked mace approaching the Pontiac with obviously hostile intent. Raizen draws back and flings his hammer, but misses the man. The hammer sticks into the side of a bus across the street. 

This does, however, given the demons in the car enough of a heads-up. The man smashes through the window at Xul-Na'Ful, who puts the seat back and dodges. The demons get out and Ernest attempts to throw chains at the dude, but can't quite manage to hit. Xul-Na'Ful yoinks the mace out of his hand and tries to reason with him; the man responds, but in a language Xul-Na'Ful has never heard (which is weird, because as an angel he speaks all the tongues of Babel). 

Raizen pulls his Hell Ride around and yanks his hammer out of the bus, and then rolls up and swings on the guy. Ernest uses his power to rot the man's flesh, but only succeeds in rotting his jacket ("at least we know it's real leather"). Raizen manages to get himself centered enough to hit with his hammer and knocks the guy down, and stabs him in the chest with the pointy bit on the end of the hammer.

He's expecting to be rewarded with a shower of blood, but instead there's just a little ploop. This guy was dead to begin with. Belphegor thinks about this, and recalls that some demons can pull a bit of their power into corpses in order to create minions, but can't recall any specific Archon that has a propensity for this. Xul-Na'Ful tries to heal the guy, but only manages to revive him momentarily before his chest implodes again. He does, however, figure out the language - it's English, but backwards! Searching his body, they find a bit of cash and a $5 chip from Mirror, Mirror. They're on the right track!

Weird. And also, violence on the streets. They hear a siren behind them (Belphegor: "The constabulary!") and head on to Mirror, Mirror.

Belphegor gives the valet a hundred to park the car, Raizen has Skipper handle Motherfucker, Xul-Na'Ful takes a flyer from an old hobo handing them out ("you could win! You could win!") and the four of them head into the casino. Belphegor heads to a lounge to listen for gossip, while Ernest goes to the bar and starts drinking. Skipper scampers off to the slot machines, and Raizen follows, yanking a bucket of nickels out of some old lady's hands and giving it to the imp.

Xul-Na'Ful watches a blackjack table for a while, then sits down, puts down the chip, and buys into the game. He immediately wins (he can count cards like crazy), and keeps winning. Eventually this does have the intended effect - a very large man approaches him and tells him he can play at other tables, but no more blackjack. Xul-Na'Ful doesn't argue, but does watch where the man goes. He looks back at a man standing and watching the casino, clearly a pit boss. When he sees Xul-Na'Ful, he goes through a door. 

The Fallen finds the other three - Belphegor hasn't managed to learn anything of interest ("these humans are boring"), while Skipper has moved on from slots to the buffet and eaten all the shrimp. Xul-Na'Ful tells them what he's learned, and lifts the keys to the door off one of the guards. The demons go through it, go down a hall, and emerge into a locker room.

Three large dudes, one still wearing a towel, and a few less-large employees stare at them. There's some tension - the demons try and bribe them with drugs (turns out Belphegor's host is carrying a bunch of coke), but it doesn't work and fight is on! This turns out to be...not great for them.

Ernest unleashes the vermintide! Rats stream in from the corners and start nibbling on everything in the room. The dude in the towel takes a swing on Xul-Na'Ful, who grabs his towel and yanks, hoping to put him on his ass. It doesn't work (the guy isn't modest), and the two square off. The third guy runs for his locker, and Raizen follows. He manages to get his locker open before Raizen reaches him.

Raizen is here to Slay, and has had enough of Not Slaying. He emasculates the man with one yank, and then wrenches his hand off and tosses it (it bounces off the head of the guy trying to beat rats with a stick). Belphegor drops a bag of coke to the rats, and Ernest delightedly tells them to snort it up! Now a horde of cocaine rats nibbles on the guards! 

Belphegor realizes he has a gun, and shoots the guy whacking rats in the arm. His arm explodes and he drops to the ground, screaming in pain, while the naked guy attempts to fight Xul-Na'Ful but isn't really getting anywhere (Xul-Na'Ful is far too fast). The Fallen reaches down and heals the man's arm, and then tells them both to get out of here before anything else happens to them. They agree, and run.

Ernest dismisses the rats ("you guys know about anything else going on? 'Cause I'm still ready to party!"). Xul-Na'Ful finds a sawed-off shotgun in the locker and gives it to Raizen, and the four of them head on to the pit boss's office. They find it, and him, and, figuring he's probably the Archon they came for, threaten him to get him back to Hell. He refuses, however, and produces a very large gun.

The demons square off, but this fight goes pretty quickly - a few gun shots, a bit of magic, and Angelo (the pit boss) slumps dead to the floor (I honestly don't remember the blow-by-blow). But when he does, his flesh just melts away and flows to the corners of the room. The demons realize it's going to Limbo - but that's weird, normally a human's body doesn't go there, and a demon's form certainly wouldn't.

This isn't over, they realize. Ernest asks Toothboiler to find the Archon, and it scampers down the hall to an exterior door. The door puts them out into an alley. They start thinking about their assignment - a deceiving derelict? Xul-Na'Ful remembers the bum that handed him the flyer - standing right outside Mirror, Mirror. 

They head down the alley and see the bum again, and surround him. The bum is actually willing to talk with them, but he's not very helpful - he refuses to go back to Hell, and reminds that Heaven is going to invade don't seem to matter much. They ask his name and he tells them "Olegna", which isn't a name they recognize, but of course, it could be an alias. Raizen isn't really interested in dicking around, and squares up with his hammer. Xul-Na'Ful uses his power of Splendor to make the citizenry form a rough circle so no bystanders get hurt, and Belphegor quietly gives the valet his ticket and tells him to bring the Pontiac around. Olegna whistles...and a bunch of those pallid, backwards-speaking punks emerge from the darkened alley. 

But Belphegor was ready for this! He guns the engine and floors it, hopping the curb and slamming into the Netherpunks! He knocks them all down like bowling pins, but also slams his head against the windshield and knocks his host's brain loose. Unable to remember anything that happened tonight, he gets out of the car just as it explodes.

Ernest summons up the cocaine rats again and they start nibbling on everyone in the area, sending the crowds scattering. Raizen calls up Motherfucker and has it breathe fire, but it doesn't bother Olegna, who scoops up a bat that one of the Netherpunks dropped and cracks Ernest across the head. Ernest drops, dying, but manages to rot Olegna's clothes away. 

Olegna is a very dirty individual (which makes Xul-Na'Ful blanche a bit), but he's also got what appears to be a vestigial head emerging from his shoulder. The demons aren't sure what the make of that. Belphegor swirls around a bit and possesses one of the security guards from the casino, who happens to be carrying a hand grenade! He runs over, pulls the pin, and tosses it at Olegna's feet.

It explodes, but Olegna is unhurt. He swings the bat on Raizen and wounds the Slayer; Raizen retaliates with the warhammer and breaks Olegna's ribs. Apparently he can be hurt - but will Raizen last long enough to finish the job?

Meanwhile, in Limbo, Ernest has finished the "return to Earth" paperwork and is wandering. He sees what looks like Angelo, the pit boss from earlier, sitting there as a lifeless husk, reforming itself. This is weird - if humans go to Limbo, they go to Limbo, but they don't do this. Ernest pokes at this thing a bit, and then consumes it, trying to get a sense of what it really is.

And back on Earth, Olegna gets a horrified look. He pulls on the vestigial head as though trying to speed something up, but it doesn't seem to work, and Raizen swings the hammer and breaks his leg! He grabs the head and rips it off, and Olegna surrenders - "Fine! You win! I'll go back to Hell!"

The group of them escort him to a nearby gate, and they begin the walk back to Hell. As they do, they watch Olegna's arms lengthen, his snout grow, until he is a baboon with a second head on his shoulder - the second head rots and putrefies as they watch. And they recognize him as Burzuth, Ruler of the Circle of Lies.

One Archon down, who knows how many to go before this Hell Night can end! 

One-Shot: AGON: The Golden Boar of Fenios

Last night we tried out AGON, which we quite enjoyed! Here's the story. Sing O muse etc. 

Our heroes are on their ship, lost amidst the fog and the islands, when a strong wind kicks up and catches the sails, nearly capsizing the ship. Many-Wayed Damon, the Scion of Aphrodite, rallies the sailors and directs them fastened the riggings and...do other sail-stuff, while the other heroes - Clear-Voiced Penelope, Forge-Master Kyra, and War-Leader Agathon support him. The sailors manage to right the ship, and Damon is clearly the Leader of the group, at least for the next island.

As they approach said island, they hear the sailors saying that Athena's wisdom and guidance helped them right the ship. They also see visions and portents - in the clearing mist, a tower crumbling, and the odor of the guilty roasting on a spit. Poseidon and Hera are sending wisdom, if the heroes can see it.

They put in to the bay of Fenios, and already there is chaos. The city is being ravaged by a golden boar, taller than a house, with numerous spears and weapons stuck in its back. It wears a golden mask, and it smashes buildings and tramples citizens. The heroes hear someone yell "Kapra the Usurper stole my mother's throne, but she won't steal her memory!" They realize that the boar is charging a marble statue of a woman, and a group of citizens stands around it in a ring, holding hands. The woman leading them looks a great deal like the woman depicted in the statue...

The heroes leap from the boat to defend these people, placing themselves in the path of the boar. It does not go well. The boar charges through them, knocking them to the side or trampling them underfoot, and smashes the statue to pebbles. It then turns and charges away as the heroes pick themselves up, humiliated. 

The woman who was trying to protect the statue approaches them. Though she has a gash in her forehead, she remains steady and strong. She tells them that she appreciates their efforts, fruitless though they were, and says that she needs to return to her camp. The heroes linger, and Penelope ventures to what remains of the market. She helps an old man put his stall back up, and he tells her that the woman that they spoke with is Nassia, the daughter of the deposed Queen Isadora. Kapra was meant to be the Huntmaster, tasked with killing the Golden Boar, but instead she rode it to the palace of Ano Steni and ousted the queen.

Agathon finds some city guards and learns much the same thing. He chides the guards for hiding with the boar rampaged, and they reply that many have died in the hunt for the Golden Boar - it has been rampaging since the princess was born twenty years ago. Now Kapra controls it. Agathon notes that the boar's violence doesn't seem targeted, other than at the statue. The guard points, and Agathon sees the boar enter the palace on the hill. 

The heroes discuss, and they decide to confront the Usurper Kapra directly. They walk up the hill and find their way blocked by the guards of Ano Steni, but Penelope shames them for their lack of hospitality and calls them out for the blasphemy they commit, and they let the heroes in. Kapra is seated on a throne not made for her, her weapons near to hand, wearing a golden mask similar to the boar's, and surrounded by a party of hunters. Penelope tells her that she is a usurper and a liar, readying himself for a battle, and she gets one!

Kapra descends from the throne and backhands Penelope to the ground. Her hunters rush in and pummel Damon, kicking him repeatedly, but then Forge-Master Kyra enters the fray, swinging her hammer and knocking the guards back! Agathon, for his part, strikes Kapra with the butt of his swords, knocking her down, and then continues beating her until she is bloodied and cowed, and her golden mask falls off. She asks for mercy (though Agathon gives her one more strike, just to drive the point home), and everyone trembles a bit as the palace rumbles. The boar smashes through an exterior wall, and heads for the forests.

Kapra claims that it was Queen Isadora who betrayed her people by lying about the Golden Boar, and that she had watched her fellow hunters be slaughtered for twenty years before finally having had enough. With the leadership of the island now uncertain and still more questions than answers, the heroes split up. 

Penelope and Kyra go back down the hill to the camp that Queen Isadora and her daughter have established. They are admitted and given wine and allowed to clean their wounds, and then approached by Nassia. She listens to their offers of aid, but says that she has been betrayed by someone she loved and idolized (that'd be Kapra), and isn't much in the mood to make new friends. Clear-Voiced Penelope, however, wins her over, and she agrees to let the heroes stay and help. She says that Artemis gave her mother a prophecy, that the Golden Boar was a test for the greatest hunter of Fenios, but instead of killing it Kapra used some kind of magic to enslave it. Nassia is bitter about this; Kapra was her mentor and idol, and she was supposed to join Kapra's hunt this year.

Meanwhile, Damon and Agathon track the boar. It's not hard, the thing is huge and knocks over trees as it forages in the woods. It roots in the ground for food and rubs up against the largest trees, and the heroes watch it in awe, trying to think of a way to beat it. Damon wonders if letting it swallow one of them would allow them to attack its heart, or perhaps its food could be poisoned? They do not attack the boar directly, however, since it beat all four of the heroes once already.

At the camp, Penelope is similarly frustrated. Artemis is her divine parent (yes, Artemis is one of the virgin goddesses in classic myth, never mind that), and so prays for a vision. She sees a rabbit with fur of moonlight cross her path and chases it, hoping for a sign, but it is too swift and she tumbles down an embankment. Smarting and humiliated once again, she climbs back up and sees Agathon and Damon, and calls them to the camp.

Kyra, for her part, asks for audience with Queen Isadora. She gets it, and meets the deposed ruler, regal and beautiful even in exile. She is perhaps a little more blunt with the queen than she should be, telling her that Kapra said she lied about the boar, and Isadora has her removed from her tent. 

The other three heroes come back and Kyra fills them in, and they decide to speak with the Queen again, but this time all together and with Damon leading the effort. Damon lays out the facts logically - the boar is killing people, and is now out of control. Isadora needs to be honest in order to protect her daughter. Isadora considers, and then tells them the truth. Artemis did give her a prophecy, but it was that the boar would take her daughter upon her twentieth year. She therefore lied to her people in an attempt to protect Nassia. 

Damon asks for help in defeating the boar, and Isadora agrees, but only if the heroes agrees to keep the truth from Nassia and to help Isadora reclaim her throne. The heroes agree, and they and the Queen's Guard prepare for the hunt.

The hunt begins at dawn, and again, finding the Golden Boar isn't hard. They track the creature, and Penelope sees the ferocity of the creature and the wrath of Artemis behind it. The boar charges the camp, and the heroes spring into action...though tragically, they are not entirely successful.

The boar smashes through the camp, killing most of the queen's loyalists. Kyra, wishing to make up for her earlier rudeness, pulls the queen to safety, but Damon is unable to do so for Nassia, and the princess is thrown against a tree and killed! Isadora rushes to her daughter and wails, and War-Leader Agathon draws his swords and attempts to control the battlefield...but he cannot. Too much death, too much chaos, no advantage to be had.

The heroes rally and face the boar, prepared to die if this be their fate. Damon leaps on the boat and wraps his chain around its neck, pulling it and controlling its movement. Agathon tries to cut it down, but the boar kicks him and tramples him once again, but Kyra is ready and knocks the beast's legs out from under it with her hammer. Clear-Voiced Penelope strikes, and feels her mother's blessing - Nassia is dead, the prophecy is fulfilled, the Golden Boar can now die. She puts her spear through the monster's eye, finally killing it.

The victory is Pyrrhic, of course. Nassia is dead, and Isadora is heartbroken. Not only that, but much of her followers are gone, and Kapra is still alive and has her own supporters. The heroes leave Fenios in a state of burgeoning civil war, but they have done all they can, and further islands await.

One-Shot: Darkest Days - The Writing on the Wall

Yesterday we played a one-shot of Darkest Days, about which I shall tell you.

Our "heroes", and I use the term somewhat loosely, are all fallen warriors from ages past, enjoying their eternal slumber or waiting in the black void of death, who knows? But then that endless nothing is interrupted. 

In a valley where moonlight never touches the ground is a patch of sand blasted into glass by some powerful magic. It is the resting place of Horace, Scion of the Blackened Sky, a member of a death cult that has long since been wiped out. A man in dark robes strikes the glass and it cracks, and Horace pulls himself out of the ground. "You've got some balls," he rasps as his throat reformed. The man in robes simply says "Follow." And Horace does, his feet moving on their own.

They walk for days, until they come to a mountain. The entrance to a cave, now collapsed into a pile of rubble, lays before them, and on the rocks, a carved epitaph to Hilfgar the Mighty, who pulled down the mountain on top of him to destroy the monster within. The man in robes taps the rock with his staff, and the rocks begin to quake, and Horace is rather expecting Hilfgar himself to crawl out of the rubble. Instead, the rocks themselves form into a humanoid mass, and then vibrate until the dust falls off, revealing a being made of a million crystals, The Resplendence. "Follow," says the man in robes, and despite being the lord of this place in life, the Resplendence can only obey.

The trio walks for days longer, until they pass into a deep, dark, forest. The man in robes stops at the foot of a huge, gnarled oak, and taps the root with his staff. From the earth, a skeletal hand rises up, and the loam and plants around it give way to flesh, until the witch Babs stands there, resurrected. "Why do you interrupt my sleep?" she says. "Follow," replies the man in robes.

Finally, after more days of walking, they arrive at the crypt of Bartholomew, the Mad King, a tyrant who ruled these lands with terror and blood. "You're not going to bring the Mad King back?" asks Horace. "Oh, no," says the man in robes. "He couldn't fight." He nods to the Resplendence and indicates the stone slab blocking off the crypt. "Break it."

The Resplendence forces most of his crystals into his fist, draws back, and smashes the slab. The man in robes steps through and moments late, steps out with Sir Pancraft, one of the Mad King's knights. "Follow," he says. 

The five of them walk a little ways further, until they come to a high wall surrounding a manor estate. "This," says the man in robes, "is the Bram Estate. You are to infiltrate it and killed everything you find within. You must especially kill the master of the estate, Urqia Bram, my brother."

"Why should we?" asks Pancraft. 

"Because if you do not, I shall make you," replies the necromancer. "I chose to raise you with your minds intact because mindless slaves are not effective combatants, but if you would rather..."

None of them would rather be zombies, of course. "What do we get if we succeed?"

"You get to return to the sweet rest from which I called you," retorts the man. For Babs, that's enough of a reward. Horace agrees, though he does wish to be returned to his resting place as well. But Pancraft and the Resplendence would rather stay in the world of the living. The man ponders this. "I am willing to discuss it," he says, "after you complete the task for which I have raised you."

"There is a village down this path," he continues. "If you wish to go there for supplies before assaulting the estate, feel free. But no harm comes to the villagers." The Resplendence, still bristling at being under anyone's control, finds a red gem within his many gems that isn't his. He brings it to his hand and asks the man what it is, but it pulls against his control and slips back into his mass. The others prod their throats and feel a similar gem just behind the thyroid notch. "What's this?" asks Horace. The man smirks. "Insurance," he says, "that no harms comes to the villages." And with that, he steps into his own robes and vanishes.

The warriors check themselves and find that their weapons and, in some cases, magical potions are still intact (the Resplendence also finds some dude's skull mixed in with his rocks, which he discards; "How'd that get in there?"). Horace has a jeweled torc that he suspects is worth something, so they head to the village to do a little trading. The village, they discover, is called Hollowton, and it sits on a series of tunnels and caverns from which the locals mine ore and gems. 

Horace trades in the torc for a magic ring, Pancraft trades his sword and shield for a big, heavy battleaxe, and the Resplendence trades a collection of adventurer's gear he's picked up (probably from idiots who chose to invade his home) for a necklace with a finger-bone of the God of Luck. 

Pancraft finds a very, very old man sitting on the fountain in the center of town. "You dressed for war? Which war? Where?" he asks.

"There's always a war," answers Pancraft. "You look like you've lived here for a long time. Tell me of the estate."

"The Bram Estate?" he answers. "Urqia Bram went mad! Went mad and started writing runes on everything. Everything! And now the estate is shut off and anyone who goes in, never comes out!"

The Resplendence, listening, recalls a farming family named "Bram" back in his days. Apparently they made good.

"Yeah," says Pancraft, "but is there a way into the estate other than the door? Tunnels, perhaps?"

The old man considers. "There's a tunnel entrance over there that connects to the tunnels under the estate, but I think a lot of them are closed off now."

Pancraft thanks him, and the four of them decide to enter the tunnels that way and infiltrate the estate from below, if they can.

They head into the tunnels, and after walking for a while, cross a barrier. Babs and Horace both feel it, the magic in the air getting stronger. They notice runes on the walls as well, but they don't have time to decipher them before a horde of little ugly humanoids attacks!

The creatures skitter around on the walls and ceiling and drop down to attack, but the Resplendence forms his crystals into huge, jagged claws and rips some of them apart. Pancraft advances and lays waste with his axe, and Babs hurls magical death. Horace lashes out with his holy symbol (a disc made of sharpened, obsidian glass), and within moments all of the little beasties lie dead. 

They move on, and eventually come to a split in the tunnel. The Resplendence sends a shard upwards through the earth, like a periscope, to figure out where they are in relation to the estate, but when it breaches the ground, something swallows it! Two mutated dog-creatures, with two extra clawed arms coming out of their chests (which they use to dig), tunnel down into the caverns to attack!

The warriors battle them successfully, Babs freezing one to the floor while Pancraft lays into it with his axe, the Resplendence flowing around the other to stab it in its vulnerable hindquarters, and Horace healing his fellows and using his necromantic magic to wither the creatures. Pancraft finally beheads the last surviving mutant creature, and the warriors press on, though they decide they're tired of being in the tunnels and climb up to the surface.

They get their bearings, and see that they are indeed inside the grounds and close to the estate. But then in the distance they see something running at them. As it gets closer, they see it's running on all fours, big and boxy like a bear, but it has an ape-like head and it gibbers and laughs as it runs!

The warriors square off and return to battle, but this foe is tougher than anything they've faced so far. It grabs Horace and breaks his spine, throwing his lifeless body away as it presses the attack. They notice, too, that as they attack, flesh sloughs off but regrows almost immediately. The Resplendence realizes that elemental or magical attacks might hurt it more effectively, and focuses his crystals to fire magical bolts of energy. The three manage to slay it through magic and steel, and then take a moment to rest. Horace's corpse rises, the bones crackling into place, and he rejoins them.

They walk around the estate, not wanting to crash through the front door, and find an entrance into the kitchen. Everything is covered in those runes, and Horace realizes that they're an ancient, otherworldly language, the kind of thing his order used to scribble when they were communing with the outer darkness. These runes are spells for companionship, though, not power or riches. Maybe Urqia was just lonely?

"Touching," mutters the Resplendence. They consider whether to head further into the manse, but decide to check the cellar first. They descend and arrive in a wine cellar, but everything is smashed - piles of rubble and the smell of vinegar and rotting liquor everywhere. As they continue, a bunch of rats emerge from the rubble, rats the size of dogs, and they skitter to the attack! But also, the wine-sludge rises up and forms into a blob-like monster!

The rats surround Pancraft and Horace and start nibbling, but they don't make much headway against the knight's armor. Babs grabs a rat and devours it whole, but then the wine-slime lashes out with a pseudopod and traps her! It tries to pull her in and eat her, but she holds her footing and throws magic at it. The Resplendence, likewise, continues experimenting with his magical understanding and tries to lock the slime in place, to freeze it, but then realizes that diluting it is the best way to destroy it!

Horace calls down brackish, rotting water from nowhere and Babs tries to summon up a rainstorm, while Pancraft crushes the last of the rats. Finally, they manage to overload the sludge with enough water to thin it out so much that it can't maintain cohesion, and it dies, leaving behind fetid, smelly, ankle-deep liquid.

The warriors search the room and Pancraft finds a huge mace. Taking a few practice swings, he hits a wall and hears a hollow thunk. "Secret door," he says, and decides to take a stealthy, subtle approach- no, hang on. He smashes through it like the goddamn Kool-Aid man. 

The room he smashes into is small and the back wall is lined with bookshelves ("ugh, books, King Bartholomew had us burn these"). A man stands against the far wall, writing runes on it frantically. This, Pancraft realizes, must be Urqia Bram. He walks over and grabs his shoulder, and Urqia dismissively gestures at the bookshelves, whereupon the books fly off, open hideous, fanged mouths, and attack!

The Resplendence, standing at the doorway, cows a book into submission and it drops, and Pancraft lays about with his axe, but there are too many! Babs throws fire at them, burning on, and Horace charges into the room and tries to rot them, but the books focus on Pancraft and chew him to pieces! His body collapses to the floor, and the book-swarm splits up and goes after the others.

The Resplendence charges across the room, turns his arm into a huge spike, and moves to impale Urqia, but then time and space go wibbly and his misses. Babs and Horace attack with magic, but can't penetrate Urqia's defenses, and he unleashes the spell he'd been building. All of the runes on the walls of the room fly off and spin like whirling blades, heading straight at Horace...but he ducks, and the blades strike Babs, killing her. The Resplendence continues to strike, and does manage to harm the mage, but Urqia turns his attention to the living crystals and sends the runes at him. The Resplendence collapses into sparkly rocks, its life extinguished, leaving only Horace alive.

Horace summons up all of the magic he can, and hurls it at Urqia, multiple bolts of magical lightning that lock Urqia's muscles and prevent him from casting spells. Urqia tries to counter, but cannot, and falls dead. The remaining books collapse as well, and all over the estate the runes lose their power.

The dead warriors return to life as Tolv Bram, the man in robes, steps out of nowhere. "My brother is dead, and the estate is mine," he says. "Well done. Now what? Would you return to death?"

Babs enthusiastically wishes to slumber once again, but Horace and Pancraft have a revived thirst for life (and violence). Tolv makes Pancraft the head of his guard, and Horace his priest the lich-in-residence. The Resplendence, of course, has no intention of dying again, but Tolv doesn't want him nearby (he knows very well that the Resplendence intends to kill him and regain his freedom), so he sends the living crystals on missions to assassinate rivals. 

The Resplendence accepts this indignity, but it prowls the land, looking for a way to free itself. Soon.