Yesterday we played a one-shot of Feng Shui 2nd Ed. I have, of course, run this game before - we played a campaign that last just about a year and a half, ending almost nine years ago.
Anyway, for this game, I ignored the Chi War entirely and was very happy to have done so. We open our story in Los Angeles, at an abandoned lazer tag arena, now the hideout of the notorious street gang known as the Neon Death Monkeys!
(If you've seen Batman Forever, imagine the gang Robin's fighting when he steals the Batmobile.)
These Monkeys don't know their days are numbered, however, as a group of unrelated warriors are converging on them...
The skylight (lazer tag arenas have skylights, right?) explodes downward and a man carrying a bow and multiple quivers descends! He is Zhou Yu, the Archer! He is a warrior from the Han dynasty, presently possessing the body of his great-great-etc grandson, Zhou Hu, an Olympic archer. Brought forward in time to rectifying a spiritual imbalance - bringing Zhou Lu, his evil, time-traveling mother, to justice, he looses an arrow and pins a Monkey to a wall!
The Monkeys respond and one of them, wearing a black suit and a string tie, points at Yu and yells "SHOOT HIM!" (Tactical brilliance, right here.) Some of the Monkeys do, but then a window bursts inwards on the other side of the building and a man in a skull mask appears - Skruller, the Masked Avenger! He shoots one of the Monkeys, and a bunch more run for the exits!
The loading bay doors open, revealing the lean, imposing figure of Reanu Keeves, the Killer! He's been hired to kill the three leaders of the Monkeys - Sneaky Luco, Magenta Marmoset, and Benny the Bite - on behalf of some mysterious employer. All he knows is that they stole something from said employer, an ancient sarcophagus. He just wants to finish this job and go home to feed his beloved pet tortoise. He shoots down a Death Monkey and strides quietly into the room.
He is followed, however by Wombat Leonard, the Bounty Hunter! Wombat is on the hunt for Magenta Marmoset - they have history (Magenta cut off her ear and stole her koala jacket in a previous encounter). Brandishing her shotgun, Lucille, she calls out Magenta...and Magenta answers, slipping on her brass knuckles and heading for Wombat.
One final hero enters the fray - Bruce, the Big Bruiser. Bruce is a simple man, a bartender and a roustabout...but was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease. Figuring that his time on Earth is limited, he's decided to do some good for community, and what better way than to fuck up the Neon Death Monkeys? He wades into the fray swinging a bat.
The Monkeys respond! Some of them shoot at Yu, wounding him, and he drops to the ground. A few pull bats and try to beat on Skruller, but his body armor absorbs it. A couple of have switchblades and poke at Bruce, but he laughs as such trivial injures. Magenta runs along the tops of the thin arena walls and lands in front of Wombat, attempting to punch, but misses, and Wombat and Reanu shoot her! Luco unloads an Uzi at Yu, but Yu rolls and pins him to the wall with a pair of arrows.
The final leader, Benny the Bite draws a machete and closes on Skruller, but again, Skruller is too well-armored. Luco fires wildly at Yu and misses, but hits the sarcophagus (which Yu had landed near). There comes a crack, and evil magic starts to escape. Yu looks on, worried, but continues planting arrows it mooks.
Reanu calmly walks through the carnage, capping off Monkeys, and sees that both Luco and Magenta have been dispatched. He climbs up on a raised vantage point and aims a rifle at Benny, shooting him in the back as Skruller battles him (Benny tries to bite through Skruller's armor with his metal teeth, but that doesn't work, either). Yu leaps up and lands next to Reanu, informing him about the danger of the sarcophagus, but Reanu has a job to do. CRACK.
Benny falls dead, and the last of the Death Monkeys follow a moment later. But the sarcophagus cracks open and disgorges a stream of huge, white moths with skull-like markings on their wings. They flow out of the arena and fly next door...into the Golden Wheels Roller Rink!
The heroes watch this helplessly, and take a moment to reload and reconnoiter (Yu pokes himself a few times and closes up some bullet wounds). But a moment is all they can afford as people start running from the rink, screaming in terror! More trouble is in the offing, and the five of them head across the street (Reanu perhaps reluctantly, as no one's paying him for this...and yet, a childhood incident involving moths spurs him on).
The heroes enter the rink to chaos! The patrons have been changed into tomb-walkers...only they're on skates, so more like tomb-rollers! Their skin has gone white and papery, their eyes pure black, and they are covered in thin layers of dust! "We can't let them escape," mutters Skruller.
"All right, then," says Wombat. She leaps the counter and blasts the Skate Rental guy. He picks up a pair of skates and lashes out! Reanu vaults the half-wall leading to the rink and guns down a few more, while Bruce picks up a goddamn Coke machine and smashes four of the tomb-rollers with it! Skruller steps on a pair of loose skates and rides them all the way down a corridor, shoot tomb-rollers along the way. The Concession Stand guy hisses and runs towards Skruller, a fire extinguisher conspicuously on his back, and claws at the avenger's mask.
An old man (now a tomb-roller) with ill-fitting dentures leaps at Yu, and Yu kicks a cart laden with disinfectant cans at him. He shoots the cans and a cloud of pine-smelling mist erupts in the face of Dentures McGee, but he emerges from the smoke and coughs up a gout of tomb dust at Yu! Meanwhile, an old lady moves with surprisingly speed and claws at Reanu. He leaps up into the lighting and shoots at her, but Old Crazy Mildred scuttles up the wall like a spider at him! He fires again, and she lands on her ass.
The DJ booth erupts to life! The musical stylings of DJ Geritol are bad enough to sap the energy from the heroes! Wombat, having won her battle with Skate Rental Paulie, leaps into the DJ booth and switches the music. Skruller takes down Concession Stand Joey, but his fire extinguisher explodes, injuring Skruller but dropping more tomb-rollers. Reanu leaps down and finishes off Old Crazy Mildred, and Bruce smashes up the last couple of tomb-rollers.
A hush falls over the roller rink and the heroes regroup. Yu pokes a bunch of them, healing their wounds, and Wombat heads back to the lazer tag arena to find her damn jacket. She does...but also realizes that the sarcophagus is missing!
Reanu reflects that this only makes sense; he was hired by one Amon Villius to kill the thieves that stole it in the first place. Yu notes that the relief on the side of sarcophagus depicted a death god - a Roman death god named Orcus. Wombat does a bit of detective work and finds a phrases associated with Orcus: cum Orco rationem habere - to reason with Orcus, or to face death. But she's seen that phrase before! It lines a stone archway in an old building in the city!
The heroes head out for their final battle, and find the archway, covered in tomb moths and glowing with purple energy. Skruller rigs up a makeshift flamethrower and torches the moths, but the glow remains. The heroes step through into a strange realm of black stone. A host of undead Roman soldiers await them, and seated on a dais, flanked by an immense warrior with a maul and a skinny emo twink with a mop of black hair sits Orcus himself. "Which of you is Villius?" he booms. "He promised me a tribute."
The heroes ready their weapons.
"Oh, you are the tribute!" Orcus stands. "Excellent! Warriors! Kill the tribute!" And the battle is joined!
Orcus charges off the dais and runs into battle with his greatsword, squaring off against Bruce, the obvious warrior of the five. Reanu leaps to a huge stone slab for a better vantage point, but the emo guy scampers up next to him and slashes at him with twin daggers! Skruller torches one of the warriors with his flamethrower and a bunch more run off into the Underworld, and Wombat names Orcus as her quarry and fires Lucille. Bruce battles Orcus, while Yu backs up and hits Orcus with arrows, and Maximus, the big guy, charges into battle and clocks Skruller with his hammer!
Orcus spins with this sword and knocks Wombat, Bruce, and Skruller back, and Emotus slashes open Reanu's shirt. Blood flows, and Reanu stumbles - will he ever see his tortoise again!? But the sustained assault on Orcus wears him down, and Yu fires what should be the fatal arrow at the death god...but one of his warriors leaps in the way!
Realizing that they cannot kill Orcus while his minions still fight, Skruller torches more of them, sending the survivors running. Reanu kicks Emotus to the stone slab, lands with a foot on his abdomen, and shoots in him the head. He falls, gracefully, landing on the cold, black ground, blood forming the shape of a dove around him.
The remaining minions gone, Wombat turns Lucille on Orcus, and shoots him down. The god of death falls dead, and his throne goes black and starts to suck in everything around it.
The heroes run...but Bruce picks up Orcus' sword. He feels a pull to the throne, and realizes that if he goes back, he is only going back to die. He takes the sword up, and sits on the throne as Bruce, God of Death!
The others node respectfully as they leave the death realm. Yu is the last one out, and sees a woman appear from somewhere in the dark and take Bruce's hand - his mother, Zhou Lu, still trying to become a goddess.
The four of them emerge into the Los Angeles night, and go their separate ways. Reanu heads home to stitch up his wounds and feed Speedster, his tortoise. Wombat goes to get some taquitos and find her next quarry. The Skruller heads back to his hunting grounds to find the Neon Death Monkeys who escaped their first battle.
And Yu heads back to his apartment, where his venerated ancestor spirit leaves his body...but informs him that the imbalance is not yet corrected. (dramatic music sting)
No comments:
Post a Comment