Movie #988: Starman

Starman is a sci-fi/romance/drama directed by John Carpenter and starring Jeff Bridges, Karen Allen, Charles Martin Smith, and Richard Jaeckel. 

An alien crash-lands on Earth (well, is shot down) after getting our invitation on Voyager 2 saying how friendly and welcoming we are. The alien grabs a bit of DNA from the deceased husband of Jenny Hayden (Allen) and clones itself a body (Bridges). It then kinda-sorta kidnaps Jenny (like, it's doing its best but it doesn't really speak English) and heads toward Meteor Crater, needing to get there in three days or die. 

Along the way, it learns some English, resurrects a deer and then Jenny, they dodge NSA agents led by one George Fox (Jaeckel) as an agent from SETI named Shermin (Smith) tries to find them as well. They also have sex in a train and Starman impregnates Jenny, saying that her son will grow up with all of Starman's knowledge. And then he leaves Earth forever (or at least until the short-lived TV show starring Robert Hays, but I haven't watched that). 

I'd never seen this movie, but Carpenter really doesn't make a lot of bad flicks. This is a romance and a road movie first and last, but it takes its time and lets Jenny react appropriately to seeing a baby on her floor grow up into her dead husband in seconds (that is, with horror). I also appreciated that the Starman doesn't arrive with a working knowledge of English or Earth culture generally - it has only what was put into Voyager 2 to go off of so it can say "Greetings" in a bunch of different languages, but it has no way to convey its intentions until it learns the language a little. 

Jeff Bridges was nominated for an Oscar for this role, and absolutely deserves it (can't nobody look vaguely perplexed like him, it's weirdly specific but it works really well here). Charles Martin Smith has a nice moral arc, and plays off Jaeckel well. I really enjoyed that Shermin points out to Fox, when Fox makes clear that he intends on vivisecting the Starman, that we invited aliens to come here and I wish that point had been pressed a little harder. Likewise, it's a small thing but it made me happy that someone actually asked whether it was possible to clone a person from a hair clipping (the answer is basically "not for us," which is perfect). 

It's not my favorite Carpenter flick because I love his horror movies more, but it's a really well-made movie, tightly focused, and keeps its pacing tight. 

My Grade: B+
Rewatch Value: Medium-low

Next up: Stonehearst Asylum 

One HONK Before Midnight: Troubled Waters!

Yesterday we played a one-shot of One HONK Before Midnight (including stuff from the follow-up, One HONK Two Furious). I'd run this game before and it's a fun time.

We've got five geese in our Gaggle: Augoostus Gloop, Goose Willis, Danny DeBeako, Eggory Peck, and Gustán Trudeau (a Canada goose, obviously). Our Gaggle lives in and around Wingsdown Lake, a lovely little area with plenty of water for splashing and swimming, sky for flying, and gormless humans that give break. 

But now something threatens the sanctity of Wingsdown! The humans are building...something! Whatever it is, it's being built on the northeast shore of the lake, and it's spilling...stuff...into the water! Human stuff! This shall not stand! HONK!

Ahem. The Gaggle is assembled in their War Room (a copse of trees near the lake - side note, why doesn't my browser think "copse" is a real word?) and addressed by General Wingston Churchbill. He explains the situation and that the Gaggle has been selected as the Top Geese that are present to go out and rectify it - chase the humans away, destroy their construction, whatever it takes! 

The General identifies three major avenues of attack. First, obviously, there's the construction site itself. Second, there's a human nest (they call it a "B&B") on the southwest shore of the lake, and normally it's pretty peaceful there - humans show up, they feed the geese and their smaller, dumber cousins, the ducks, and then they leave. But now there are a bunch of shouty humans standing outside the building, waving rectangles on sticks! That's new, it started about the same time as the construction, they might be related. Finally, there's a human that the humans call "Aaron Bird," but the geese call "the Grape Man" (because he gives them grapes). He has proven himself to be a Friend to Geese. He might be able to help. 

The Gaggle accept their assignment and waddle off to make goosetory! 

They split up: Gustán, Goose Willis, and Danny head to the construction site, while Augoostus and Eggory head to the B&B. On the way to the B&B, they spot a group of humans all standing on large, flat, plastic rectangles, all facing another human who's clearing leading them...but leading them in what? They just seem to be doing silly poses, and some of them are just not balanced well (one good wing flap would tip them over). Eggory muses that this might be some kind of human mating ritual, but if it is it's not working because he's never even seen a human egg. Anyway, they all look ridiculous and the geese decide maybe they should introduce a little Khaos. 

The plan is simple - Augoostus will stand in front of all of them and distract them, while Eggory barrels into them at the right time and knocks them over. But when Augoostus spreads his mighty wings and honks, the human leading them just sort of looks on in awe and then nods and says "yeah, cool - OK, everyone, Majestic Goose!" and spreads his arms in an embarrassing display of goose imitation (though Augoostus is secretly kind of flattered). They move on to the B&B.

Meanwhile, the other three geese waddle around to the construction site. On the way, they pass a human poking a rectangle with a stick. It's propped up on a wooden frame, and she's holding a flat bit of wood with squooshes of color - as she pokes the rectangle, the colors appear! The geese are intrigued, and Gustán suggests knocking over the frame (because why the honk not), but they decide they have more important things to worry about.

Indeed! They arrive at the construction site and see the skeleton of a building. They see a human vehicle unlike anything they've seen before - it's huge, it has a big scoop on the front clearly meant for digging up the ground, and it rolls on big, oval-shaped wheels. The geese marvel at this thing, and Gustán flaps to the top and perches on it, honking loudly. The humans look up at the goose and point smaller rectangles at him (always with the rectangles, these humans). Meanwhile, Goose Willis flaps up to the seat and tries to get the vehicle to work, but spots a slot and remembers that to make these things work, humans use a small, metal stick poked into that slot. 

Danny sneaks around and listens to the humans talking, and hears one warning another to steer clear of the "port-a-potties" because "Frank" must have eaten something that disagreed with him. Danny realizes that since the other humans are talking about this "Frank," he must be important. Danny sneaks over to a line of blue plastic chambers and finds the last one - the only one with a closed door. He hears horrible noises and smells just a terrible stench - must be the right place!

Danny opens the door and sees a man sitting there with his human-skin around his ankles (humans and their skins are a source of endless confusion for geese). But lo! On the half-discarded skin, the metal sticks! Danny grabs them and waddles off, and Frank is left to yell after him!

Danny jumps up into the vehicle and beaks the metal sticks up to Goose Willis, who slots one into the machine and turns it! The machine roars to life, and the three geese ride it around the site, knocking over pillars and destroying the building skeleton, as humans run after them and yell things like "AAAGH GEESE" and "WHAT THE HELL, GEESE!" The machine gives one final lurch and Goose Willis and Gustán are thrown clear, but Danny, working the pedals, remains in the vehicle. Seeing humans running at them, Goose Willis lays a minefield of goose poop, and all three of the geese escape!

On the other side of the pond, Eggory and Augoostus have arrived at the B&B. There are a bunch of humans carrying rectangles with words on them, like "DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING" and "I HAVE A SIGN" and "I NEVER LIKED COFFEE ANYWAY". Augoostus tries to get a look at what's happening, but someone spots him and he employs his Footgoose ability and flies away! (OK, just around the building, really.) Eggory tries to employ the distraction to scamper into the building...but he is caught! Carried away, never to be seen again! 

Behind the building, Augoostus has no idea about the fate of his gaggle-mate, but spots another goose, one James Pond, waddle up from the lake to help. James spots an open window on the upper level of this building, and flies throught it. Augoostus tries, but misses and collides with the glass of a different window, and falls to the ground in a heap. 

James, though, has arrived in an empty room and sticks his beak out the window ("no, this one!"), giving Augoostus a beacon, and they both wind up in the room. Looking around, this seems to be a human nest - James is standing on yet another rectangle, but this one is big and soft and squishy - hard to walk on, but comfortable. There are discarded human skins on the floor, but no human eggs. Poor stupid humans. 

Anyway, as they search, they hear a human coming! Augoostus hides in a smaller, darker room hung with human skins, while James darts under the big soft rectangle. A man enters, talking into a small, hand-held rectangle. "Yeah, I know. It's OK, we can rebuild it. As long as we keep that Bird guy out of here for today, he can't stop us!"

The geese realize with horror that he must be talking about the Grape Man! Augoostus starts trashing the room, pulling down human skins, but then the bar that they're hanging on collapses and Augoostus is swaddled and very confused. The human opens the door and sees a...ghost goose? But then James pops up and snatches the rectangle out of his hands, and flaps out the window! The man runs downstairs to chase James, leading Augoostus to escape, with a smaller piece of human skin adorned with red hearts draped over his face.

The other three geese paddle across the lake and meet up with James and Augoostus (they help remove the human skin from Augoostus' head). Augoostus introduces James and relays Eggory's fate, and the geese shake their heads, but mourning or investigation will have to wait. They share all the information they've found, but they really need to find the Grape Man, and based on what the human at the B&B said, he might be in trouble! 

The Grape Man can usually be found in the area south of the lake, so they head out there, but no sign of him! The geese decide that since the humans on their weird plastic rectangles are nearby, maybe they know something, so they head back up there. When the lead human sees them, he leads his flock in another Majestic Goose, but the Gaggle has no time for such nonsense, and James and Goose Willis snatch a couple of the rectangle away and head for the lake!

The humans start to chase them, but then one of the stops them and reminds them that there was a guy looking for the geese before, some guy talking about some kind of rare goose. Maybe it's one of these geese? "Yeah, we should check with that guy," says one of the humans. "Think he went off toward the construction site."

The geese stash their stolen plastic rectangles (James thinks it might make good nest material), and they head back toward the site. Everything's still pretty khaotic, so the geese stay towards the area where the humans park their vehicles. They start looking around, and Danny and Goose Willis both find a vehicle that seems to be talking! (Danny finds it because he's looking, Goose Willis finds it because there are grapes on the ground near it.)

"Hello?" says the vehicle. "Anyone there? Um, help?" The geese honk back. "Uh...yes?" 

Meanwhile, Gustán finds a couple of humans wearing black skins (that's clothes, guys, just to be real clear) and talking in hushed tones. "Yeah, we just need to keep him in the trunk until tonight," one says. "Then he can't file that 'protected area' report or whatever." "We don't get paid enough for this." "You get paid?"

The geese reconvene at the talking car, and Augoostus realizes this is his moment. He flies up into the air and drops down like a meteor, landing on the vehicle in a Crescendo! The back of the vehicle pops open, and the Grape Man emerges!

He pulls himself out, groggily, blinking in the sun, but then the Gaggle realizes that the two evil humans have seen this (I mean, it was hard to miss) and start running toward them! Danny DeBeako invokes dark magic to protect the Grape Man, calling upon the Old Goose God...and the Goose God answers.

The sky darkens, and the waters of the lake roil. A monstrous goose head rises up from the water and gives an eldritch HONK, and both the evil humans twitch. Their necks elongate, their faces smoosh up into beaks, they raise their arms - wings! - the sky and honk! And there they stand, two new geese. 

"You're welcome," says James Pond. The geese look at each other. "Honk," says one. "Want to go swimming?" 

"Yup," says the other, and they waddle off. 

The Grape Man, fortunately, saw none of this. He gives the rest of his grapes to the geese in gratitude, and sits down next to the vehicle. "Any of you...no, guess not," he says, sadly. "You're all magnificent, but I'm looking for a rare Purple-Spotted Goose. See, if I found one, I could get this lake declared a protected site and they'd have to stop construction! But I guess maybe they're extinct." He sighs heavily, and stands up. "I'm gonna get the heck out of here, though, before those guys come back!"

Not honkin' likely, the geese think, but they have other issues. They talk amongst themselves - none of them have ever seen a Purple-Spotted Goose. But wait - there was that human daubing color onto a rectangle! Surely one of those colors was purple!

The geese frantically paddle across the lake to the human and find she's still there. They see her plank of colors, but also a box next to her with tubes of color that she squooshes out onto the plank! They quickly hatch (lol) a plan - Augoostus will distract her, while the other geese rush in and grab a tube. Surely one of those will be purple. Augoostus grabs a stack and waddles in front of the human's rectangle, mimicking the motion of painting. The human, fascinated, sets down the color plank and goes to watch...but locks the box! 

Goose Willis springs into action. He rushes in and tries to lift the whole box, but can't quite manage it. Instead, he grabs the color plank and then calls upon his goosely power and teleports away, leaving only a trail of feathers. The others follow and, using the color daubs on the plank, dot each other. And then, figuring that they need an audience, they head for the B&B.

When they get there, the humans are still yelling. James Pond lets out a defeaning HONK that silences everyone, and they all turn to look at the geese! 

Turns out that one of them - Danny DeBeako - is indeed spotted with purple. The Grape Man is, fortunately, nearby, and points his rectangle at Danny as Danny preens, and then goes to his vehicle and pulls out some kind of weird rectangle that folds out to become two joined rectangle (it's a laptop, OK). He taps on it, and some hours later the construction site is shut down! The whole area is declared a protected area for the Purple-Spotted Goose!

In the months to come, the construction site is turned into a simple wooden platform where humans can sit and feed the geese, an appropriate tribute to the majestic birds. Eggory Peck eventually returns, bearing strange stories of abduction and travel...but that's a honk for another time. 

Movie #987: Siren

Siren is a horror movie and spinoff of a segment in V/H/S (we'll get to "V" eventually) starring Chase Williamson, Hannah Fierman, Justin Welborn, Hayes Mercure, Michael Aaron Milligan, Randy McDowall, Brittany S. Hall, and Lindsey Garrett.

Jonah (Williamson) heads out to his bachelor party with his brother Mac (Milligan) and best friends Elliott (McDowall) and Rand (Mercure). Mac has illusions of making this an amazing night to remember! But the best he can come up with is going to perhaps the most depressing strip club in existence and doing mushrooms. 

And then a mysterious fella (William Mark McCullough) turns them on to a strange club at a plantation in the middle of nowhere (I'm not 100% sure where this movie is set; they talk about going to "Garden City," which I thought was Kansas, but the topography isn't plains states, it looks more delta). There, the proprietor, Mr. Nyx (Welborn) takes as payment for the evening the fondest memory the three groomsmen have of their mothers (wait, what?) and then shows Jonah to a room downstairs where a naked woman (Fierman) sings to him and he experiences all the sex he's ever had at once, including with his beautiful fiancée Eva (Garrett). 

So the mysterious girl, whom Nyx refers to as "Lily" or "Lilith" (I guess calling Williamson's character "Adam" would have been a bit too on the nose) calls out to Jonah as he leaves, and he realizes she's locked in. He does what any noble and kind fellow would do and frees her, and she promptly reveals exactly what she is - a demon who is capable of ripping men apart. Nyx trapped her years ago and has been using her as an attraction, and the boys go on the run but almost immediately lose Elliot (as Lily smells Jonah's scent on him but then kills him when he's not Jonah) and Rand (kidnapped and tortured by Nyx to try and get Lily back). 

Violence and shenanigans ensue, and eventually Jonah has the opportunity to save himself and Rand by luring Lily into a protective circle and putting her ankle binding back on...but he chooses to let her stay free instead, she kills Nyx (but Mac dies in the process), and a year later, she returns to collect Jonah and he sacrifices himself to save Eva. Pretty bleak, eh?

For the most part, I think this is a solid horror movie. The effects are pretty well done - Lily's wings and tail are mostly CGI, but they don't abuse the privilege, and her monstrous face is pretty well done. Her performance makes this; it's hard for a small, slight woman to feel this threatening but she manages even without the fangs just by the way she moves and her facial expressions, I think because there's never any hesitation to what she does. If she wants to kill, she kills. If she wants your pants off, they're off. We feel some sympathy for her because she's a prisoner, but the movie never lets us forget that she's a demon. 

Also, the dialog between the buddies, especially in the beginning before everything goes sideways, is funny and well-written. You feel the dynamic of these guys and get a sense of their shared history (that is, Jonah, Rand, and Elliott are buds and Mac is the guy who has a position of authority because he's the "best man," which he only has because he's Jonah's brother), and that's hard to do in just a couple of scenes.

I also think it's interesting that Jonah absolutely, 100% does not deserve his fate. You could argue (and you'd be wrong, but you could argue) that Mac and maybe Elliott fall into the "you did something stupid and therefore you must pay" bucket of horror categories, but Jonah and Rand try to do the right thing and Jonah never succumbs to his worse angels...and in return, his brother and his friend die horribly, his other friend is tortured and maimed, he gets raped (oh yeah, the movie does even let us off with "at least he gets to bang a hot demon" because let's just say that tail is multi-purpose), and then he gets taken away for unspeakable purposes as his wife screams in horror. Roll credits! 

It's not a flawless movie - I don't know if it stuck the land quite as well as it might and while some of the CGI is OK, Hall's squirmy "hair" is meant as a shocking reveal but it just kind of looks silly (which is too bad because the character she's playing is really cool), and basically nobody has a character arc, which is a shame. But it does some neat world-building and you get just enough sense of this mystical underground to kind of get how it works, but never long-winded infodumps. 

My Grade: B
Rewatch Value: Medium

Next up: Starman

Character Creation: FiveEvil

Not one not two not three not four but FIVE! FIVE EVIL!

The Game: FiveEvil
The Publisher: Handiwork Games
Degree of Familiarity: Well...I know 5e OK, and I know horror very well, but I've never played this

Books Required: Just the one

I'm actually a little surprised I backed this Kickstarter. I was pretty skeptical of the premise, and I find the whole "referring to D&D as the world's greatest RPG" thing to be pretty wanky and not at all true besides. But I was interested to the see the implementation, and since I'm actually running 5e, I figured I'd be able to appreciate it, whether it was well done or not.

And...I'm weirdly into it. Like, the problem I have with 5e and D&D generally is that it's not about anything. It's a corporate-produced RPG with all the edges sanded down, and that means it's easy to run and pretty easy to play, it's easy to understand, but the mechanics are not just simple but basic. They don't play into a theme because there isn't any, and despite the game's insistence that it's focused on combat, exploration, and intrigue, it's not actually about any of those. It's about "combat" inasmuch as it's about war-game style tactics, it's about exploration inasmuch as you find things and the GM tells you about them, and it's about intrigue inasmuch as it's...a roleplaying game. But none of the mechanics actually enhance those themes and ideas.

And that's fine, I hasten to add. I have lots of games that are very theme-focused and honestly? There are downsides to those, too. When you specify, you lose flexibility and (sometimes) accessibility. 

Anyway, FiveEvil takes the basic framework of 5e and then actually asks "if we want to do a horror RPG with these bones, what do we need to do to make that work?" And it...does a pretty good job.

First of all, on a thematic level, it treats horror as distinct from fear. You can't make a player feel fear (rather, you can, but never reliably; if it happens it's incidental). You can create horror, because horror is external. The game views the scenario as a trap that the characters fall into, and it's very clear that this is not a "story" per se because you need to play through it and let what happens, happen. That's simple and pretty obvious if you've been a GM for any length of time, but it's useful to say and would have been really useful to me in 1992 when I started running horror games.

Second, the mechanics actually do support the theme, and the best change that I've seen is what it does with Inspiration. In 5e, you get Inspiration when you play to your personality traits and then you can spend it to get advantage on a roll. In FiveEvil, you can take Desperation anytime to get bonuses on rolls, but if that builds up (which it's supposed to) you wind up taking penalties and/or losing access to your personality traits (on a mechanical level) as you become alienated. 

And finally, it approaches "combat" as "terror scenes," and tries to lean into the chaos of a scene like that, rather than make it strictly a tactical exercise. (And that, my friends, is something I wish we'd have thought to do with Chill. We talked about it a little but I wish we'd leaned into that idea a little harder and built the mechanics around it a little more heavily. Ah, well, too late now!)

So...fuck me, I think I'd run this, and it's really rare that a generic horror game makes me want to run it. Let's make a character!

Now, we run into the problem of there not being a default setting, of course, but there are a bunch of scenarios in the book, including one that's a little reminiscent of Cabin in the Woods, so I think I'll use that as my jumping-off point. This scenario assumes we're all about 10 years out of high school, meaning we'd be what, 28-ish (that also means we'd be born in 1998 or so, if the game is set now). 

The game wants me to start with a concept, and the conceit here is that we'll be having one last fun weekend together before we all collectively try and get our shit together. I'm gonna say my guy fronts a band. He's been posting snippets on Tiktok and so on for a long time, trying to build up a following, and it's kinda happened? But he's not getting offers to tour with Connor Price or anything (first "musician I learned about from video shorts" that came to mind), and maybe it's time to throw in the fuckin' towel. Let's call him Tyree Caulder. Tyree is 27, male, Black, fronts a band called Boxcutter (I'm thinking kinda like Houses or Foster the People). 

So the first thing I do is come up with descriptions. I get one at +4 and one at +2, and these basically apply whenever that description would. The first one is meant to be job, occupation, career, profession (yes, these are all listed). In Tyree's case, I actually don't think it's the band. I think instead he's worked in infosec for a while and he's pretty good at it, but he mostly freelances because he's still trying to make the band happen and wants his schedule free in case Connor Price ever calls (if by some weird coincidence Connor ever sees this, hey dude, love your music, "Trendsetter" gets stuck in my head a lot). 

Anyway, that first description can be unfocused freelance infosec. My second description is meant to be more a hobby or vocation, so we'll call that wannabe indie rock band front man.  

Cool, now I get to pick two skills that my first description applies to and one for my second description. Well, I think for the first one, Knowledge/Recall and Investigation make the most sense. For the second, I guess Persuasion? Oh, maybe Grit. There's not a Perform skill here, and I feel like Persuasion is the wrong skill set. Yeah, let's go with Grit - lots of late nights and long drives.

Right, and then the same thing for saves, except I just get one for each that my bonus applies. Here, I think we'll go WIS for the first one and CHA for the second.

Now we have Personality Aspects. These are the things I have to play to in order to lose Desperation. I get a Habit, a Belief, a Flaw, and a Relationship. These are expressed as sentences. Let's see...

Well, my Relationship should be with the band. I think we'll phrase it as It might be time to let the band die. No, let's say "go," not "die." "Die" is too aggressive. 

For Habit, I'm meant to consider what we'd see Tyree doing in his first scene. God help me, I think Tyree is going to be checking his phone and scrolling Tiktok a lot. (At least I won't feel too bad when he dies in the movie.)

Belief is the thing that would cause an intense argument early in the movie. I don't want to make everything about the band, but we could still make it if we got a break is pretty good here.

That just leaves Flaw, which is what would get me in trouble at the midpoint of the movie. I think Tyree films everything reflexively. Like, anything interesting or just vaugely unexpected happens, the phone's out. 

Cool! Now we do Ability Scores. The recommended method here is to roll 3d6 seven times and drop the second-lowest. Sure, fuck it, let's see how this goes. 11, 9, 7, 12, 12, 8, 4. Yep, that's about right. That means I drop the 7. 

Well, I'll put my 12s into CHA and INT. I'll put my 11 into CON. I'll put 9 into WIS, 8 into DEX, and that leaves me a 4 in STR. Jesus, that's pathetic. Guess Tyree doesn't work out much.

And that's it! I rather suspect Tyree won't last long if things get scary. 

The Strange: Travelers from Other Recursions

New game! Wooo! 

We used the "Spark" method to pick a game (based on the Spark RPG; more info here). Our sparks were as follows:

• Matt: The Gentlemen: Competency/badassery emerging from relationships and trust, winning but because of the effort and the relationships rather than isolated action
• Amanda: The Craft: Emerging supernatural power without the expectation that you’re necessarily going to be the Good Guy
• Cael: The Wildsea: Ocean-going and mobile base with base-building/upgrading elements, advancement geared around change rather than just increase
• Michelle: Murderbot Diaries: Identifying the problem and fixing it 
• Ada: The Stranger: Perception/POV changing emotional and environmental impact of stimuli/events

So based on all of that, I pitched a few games (Ashen Stars, Between Clouds, Conspiracy X, Stealing Stories for the Devil) but the one we landed on was The Strange!

Now, I ran The Strange once before, back in 2019-2020. We only got to play seven sessions and then the pandemic hit, and that particular group wasn't one that wanted to play online so we just put the game on indefinite hiatus (and obviously never picked it back up). But I always liked it; I enjoy the Cypher System anyway, and I like the idea of being able to universe-hop and change things a bit. 

So we made characters, and then last night did a little more character development and game setup, and that's what we're writing up today! None of these characters are from Earth, interestingly.

Aylin Aster, Strange Witch (Paradox) that Consorts with the Dead on Hallows. Aylin is from a recursion called Hallows, created from fictional leakage of things like Charmed, The Craft, and so on - it looks much like modern-day Earth, but magic and the supernatural are real. It's not common knowledge, but there are secret societies and government conspiracies galore. Aylin found a Book of Shadows in her grandmother's library and learned the technique of meditation and translation (which makes you wonder about her grandmother, doesn't it?). She translated to Earth and finds it interesting and familiar, but somewhat more limiting. On the other hand, since no one really has magic here, the little magic she can do really gives her an edge. Her focus on Earth is Explores Dark Places. 

Since being on Earth and hooking up with the Estate, she's started having nightmares about planetovores - eldritch beings from beyond the Strange - eating her world. That's enough of a motivation to get her to help out. 

Clay, Tough Vector that Changes Shape. Clay is from Ruk, a world governed by mad science. Clay is...kind of formless, a being that embraces change and evolution. They hibernated and, while their form rested, let their mind wander...and it wandered all the way into the Strange and onto Earth. 

Clay hates Earth. They can't shapechange here (their focus is Hunts With Great Skill here), and they feel extremely limited within its laws. But the Estate, and translation and other recursions generally, present new opportunities - perhaps Clay can find the recursion that allows them to truly evolve, and reach a zenith? 

Bismuth, Mechanical Paradox that Crafts Unique Items. Bismuth is from Waxen, a world governed by the principals of alchemy. Lead is non-toxic here, and can be used to create almost any substance by altering the balance of elements. And then the Grand Alchemist to the King performed some kind of experiment that started changing all matter into lead, and Bismuth, a crafter of metal and chemicals, found a way to escape. Of course, that may mean that everything in Waxen has been destroyed. 

Bismuth, therefore, has joined the Estate to help prevent similar disasters in other recursions. She doesn't mind Earth; chemistry works, albeit not quite in the same way. She does feel like she's less likely to explode here, but on the other hand, she's not a fan of how shiny everything is. 

Violet Spoon, Inquisitive Vector that Solves Mysteries. Violet is from Mapleplank, a recursion that just includes The House. Violet and her fellow little-folk live in The House, living around the big-folk and their mysterious ways. Violet, always natural curious, fell into a teacup next to a mysterious box of tea, and wound up on Earth! 

Earth is weird - there are no big-folk (or maybe we're all big? Although Violet is still pretty smol by comparison). But Violet likes it (she actually likes most places, because they're always interesting). She does enjoy the fact that there don't seem to be as many cats that are big enough to eat her here. Violet didn't have to be told twice to join the Estate; she wants to explore and this gives her an amazing way to do it!

These four folks are a pretty good fit for each other - Bismuth and Clay are both scientifically minded, and Clay enjoys that Bismuth is trying to change. Aylin, likewise, sees that Bismuth is haunted by what happened to her world and wants to help her, and sees Violet as adorable and needing protection. Bismuth and Violet are both fundamentally curious people, and as for Violet herself, as long as you're relatively nice and not actively trying to eat her, you're fine! 

Next time, we'll see what hijinks these folks get up to!

Movie #986: Eragon

Eragon is a fantasy/adventure movie starring Ed Speleers, Rachel Weisz, John Malkovich, Jeremy Irons, Robert Carlyle, Sienna Guillory, and Garrett Hedlund. It's based on a fantasy novel (first in a series, as is the custom) written by a homeschooled kid from Montana when he was 15. I mention that just because I think it kinda shows. 

So anyway: the titular Eragon (Speleers) is a farm boy living with his uncle (Alun Armstrong) and his cousin (Christopher Egan) in the mystical land of Alagaësia ruled over by the evil King Galbatorix (Malkovich, collecting a paycheck), his slimy vampire/mage servant Durza (Carlyle), and an army of...Urgals? Basically reddish orcs. Also some men. 

Anyway, our Arwen analog, Arya (Guillory), fleeing from Durza with a big blue jellybean, magics it away and it winds up in Eragon's lap, and then soon hatches into a dragon named Safira (Wiesz), which is a cute little puppy-thing at first but grows up really quickly (apparently by magic). From there we get your standard hero's journey; Eragon hooks up with the village sad sack Brom (Irons, apparently enjoying himself) who turns out to be a disgraced dragon-rider and insists on taking Eragon to the Varden (the resistance living in the mountains, led by Djimon Hounsou before he learned to act).

Oh, dragon-riding is a big deal. Used to be that the dragon-riders were...you know, I don't actually know what their function in Analgesia was? Elite troops? Superheroes? Demigods? Likewise, this couldn't all have been that long ago because Brom was a dragon-rider and he's still alive (his dragon isn't; a rider can survive the death of a dragon but not vice versa, in a move we call the "one-sided Dragonheart"), but everyone in Eragon's village seems to regard them as myth? Anyway, Eragon is the first dragon-rider in a long time and that's a big screaming deal for getting the resistance to rally and go after the king or something.

This movie is bad, and I've been thinking about why. It's not the effects, those are actually pretty good. Obviously the dragon is CGI, but it looks decent - there were no moments that looked badly, obviously fake. The sound design when it's a puppy is actually really cute. The fight scenes are pretty shit, lots of jumpy cuts and these people clearly didn't do their own stunts, but whatever, not everything can be Lord of the Rings. 

No, I think it's bad because it feels at once very familiar and like they're not telling us enough. We don't really learn much about the history and culture of Aphantasia, just the very broad strokes that set up the plot. But without the context of that history, it's hard to know what the stakes really are. And at the same time, it feels so much like a surface-level Lord of the Rings (or Star Wars, or Harry Potter, or whatever) knock-off that we feel like we're going through the motions. 

If we had a lead that was charismatic and fun to spend time with, that might be something, but I'm sorry, Ed Speleers is no Daniel Radcliffe. He's OK, but he's blond and bland and...so, so white (as in bread), and it was another five years after this movie that he started getting work again (he has gone on to a fairly steady career, so presumably he learned to act at some point). Malkovich is phoning it in with an apathy that's almost inspiring; at least Carlyle and Irons muster the energy to chew the scenery. Guillory would have been more interesting with more to do, same for Hedlund as Murtagh, the rogue/ranger who shows up to follow Eragon around. I kept hoping they'd kiss, that at least would have been interesting. 

I have no idea if the book is any better (it'd almost have to be, since a lot of my complaints cook down to the movie letting the audience's knowledge of other fantasy properties fill in the gaps and the book probably doesn't do that at least as much), but it's pretty telling that the planned sequels to this movie were cancelled. Throw it on the heap with Alex Rider. 

My Grade: D
Rewatch Value: IINSIAIFWT

Next up: Siren

Midnight Muscadines: Twilight Snuggle

Yesterday we played a game of Midnight Muscadines, having finished out foray into Shadowrun. Let's jam!

(That's very funny if you know anything about this game. You can learn more here. It's pretty cool.)

We open at the Halfway Inn, a cozy little teahouse kind of thing. Five folks are around the table for some patisserie:

• Opal is a duskywhim (moth-like person) songheart, and a member of the Storycloak Guild. Of course, like all duskywhims, they don't really talk, but can play music on a lute-like stringed instrument. They also have a habit of staring at...everything. If they blink they might not see something!
• Torneko is a tatterling (mysterious hooded figure with button eyes; might be a walking teddy bear, we don't know) rookwright and one of the Cloud Coven. She has a small, mechanical creature with her called Bobbin. She also has a habit of falling asleep at inopportune times, meaning Bobbin acts as an alarm clock as much as anything.
• Timbertrod is a woadling (a plant-person) honeywarden of the Verdengarde. Timbertrod has a colony of bees living in their body (basically a walking tree, it's cool, there's room), and extracts honey to trade and give out. Their bees buzz in warning when something bad is about to happen, which is handy.
• Cinderspark Sooter is a patchfolk (basically a big, bipedal raccoon-person) wanderlustian of the Meadowlarch, and as such is an expert negotiator and trader. She also has a habit of compulsively apologizing for everything. She wears a smart coat and a hat with a nifty little tassel.
• Trill is a murmuren (weird furry-frog creature) wildergarde and member of The Fieldhouse. Trill (not his real name; his real name is unpronounceable to most other folk) is most at home among animals, and takes care of the shop night cat and the brindlehowls and mossbacks and so on that live in the area. He has no qualms whatever about stealing from people, since people take from the world all the time.

The Master Pâtissier Beulah Crumb emerges and gives these folks an assortment of pastries and scones to try out (they're delicious), but is clearly fretting. It seems that the noted food critic Nibella McQuaff is going to be here soon, but the shipment of ingredients that the Meadowlarch was meant to deliver hasn't come! Beulah needs at least a few days to refine the ingredients and make the pastries, and is just beside herself that she might not be able to. If McQuaff gives them a bad review, it could spell the end of the Inn!

Cinderspark, a Meadowlarch herself, knows the fellow who was meant to be bringing these things, a nimmian (one of the two types of humans here) named Boss Mortimer. Mortimer isn't the sort to be late or to abscond with goods, so something is clearly wrong. There are six crates of ingredients that should have been delivered. Trill asks for a list, which Beulah readily provides, and Cinderspark looks them over. 

(A side note: magic in this setting is centered around jam, and you can make jam out of these ingredients, or mix ingredients to create jam that has an entirely new power! So these ingredients can be pretty valuable.)

The five of them agree to go out and try to go along the route Mortimer was taking and figure out what happened. Beulah says she needs to have everything in no less than seven days, or else she won't have enough time to make what she needs to make. That seems plenty of time! Beulah sets up a huge hourglass on the mantle and flips it, and sand begins slowly falling...

The group gets their adventuring gear together. Opal goes outside and rings their mossback bell, and their mossback, Kudzu (because she gets into everything) comes trudging up. Trill chips at her a bit (and Kudzu is happy to chat a moment), and then everyone heads out along the Twilight Road!

After a bit of travel, the road just...stops. And there's a mountain in the way. There shouldn't be a mountain here. It's just a huge, sheer cliff, stretching up into the night. Trill climbs a tree to look at the stars and orient himself, but yeah, they're in the right place, there's just a mountain here where there wasn't before. It goes for miles in either direction, so their only way forward is up. 

Fortunately, Opal has some Nimbrussle Jam. They spread a bit on a bit of scone and feed it to Kudzu, and Kudzu is weightless! Everyone gets on as she begins to float...but then she begins to freak out and tries to run through the air!

Trill grabs her harness and swings down in front of her (murmurens are small creatures, so this doesn't harm Kudzu), and uses his Balancekeeper's Touch ability, correcting Kudzu's imbalance and mitigating her fear. Problem is, of course, that the imbalance has to go somewhere, and Trill feels muddled. He climbs back on Kudzu's back, lays down and looks up at the stars, peeping to himself. 

The others continue to help Kudzu up. Timbertrod loops a bit of rope around a tree and pulls Kudzu up, while Torneko finds handholds that she might use. Cinderspark finally appeals to Kudzu's better instincts, ties a bit of scone on a line, and uses it to lure her to float upwards to the top (whereupon she munches the scone and starts snuffling around Cinderspark's pack for more). 

And now that we're at the top, what? The Twilight Road appears fragmented, with parts of it looking normal and beaten down, and parts obscured by old growth forest. And there's a weird, glowing cloud, inside of which the characters can see...events? It seems to be night, though, so Trill starts setting up camp. The others look at the cloud, though.

They see the butt of a naked nimmian disappearing into the woods. They see crates getting pulled away, they see chaos and movement...and then one of them touches the cloud, and everything gets very swimmy for a moment...

...and they're back at the Halfway Inn, sitting down for breakfast, and then Beulah rushes in to tell them about her missing ingredients. 

"I think we dreamed this," says Trill, still somewhat muddled. "And now we're doing it for real." The others are just as perplexed, but Torneko consults her watch and the hourglass and realizes that while her watch is keeping "accurate" time (that is, time has passed), as far as when they are now, it's earlier that day. They realize that they'll need to scale the cliff again, but this time at least they know they need to scale the cliff. 

Trill has an idea - there are some marsos in a nearby stable. A marso is a kind of possum/horse creature, good as riding animals, capable of climbing extremely well. 

WHO'S A GOOD MARSO

He slips into the table and chitters at the marsos a bit, explaining that they need to get up a sheer cliff wall and maybe they can climb it? The marsos are thrilled at the idea (they love climbing), and Trill unhitches their stalls and leads them all out silently, making use of his Shadowfawn jam to move silently. Opal, meanwhile, flutters around and plays their instrument, distracting anyone who might be nearby to see the marso heist. 

Timbertrod, before they head out, reaches into the roots and draws out the confusion that's getting in Trill's way, clearing up his mind ("where's my camping gear?"). 

Thus newly equipped, the party heads back out, two of them each on a marso (they leave Kudzu behind, which doesn't thrill Opal, but they have to admit that Kudzu isn't going to want to float back up a cliff). They get to the cliff and the marsos easily make the climb, and now they're back at the weird jumble of road and the glowing time-cloud. Trill tells the marfos to head back to the stable, you know, whenever they feel like it. 

They try and track what happened (avoiding the cloud), and Cinderspark realizes she's standing in a giant footprint. The foot was wearing a shoe (and a darned nice one), and it looks like whatever made these prints chased someone down a path. Another path looks like it was made by a cart; that was probably the Meadowlarch troop coming in, so no point following that. The last one has crates being dragged away. 

The characters follow the first trail, and the woods quickly grow thick and oppressive. And then they notice a long tendril-like thing snaking around the handle of Torneko's weaver blade. Opal notices it first and gets excited, thinking it's a thread they can eat, but no, it's a vine. 

The creeper vines - for that's what they are, semi-sentient plants that steal whatever they wrap up - try to yank the blade away. Opal tries to free it, Trill tries to point out where to cut it, and Torneko tries to pull it free, but it's Cinderspark whacking it with her quill and repeating "LET GO LET GO LET GO" that does it. They continue walking and, looking up, see clothes, boots, and trinkets hanging from vines. (Trill's eyes get big, everyone else reminds him that they have other things to focus on.)

And then they hear yelling, and find Mortimer strung up in vines, naked as a jaybird, calling for help. As they approach, they are confronted by a small creature with wings, riding a glasshare - a pixie! The pixie grandstands a bit, talking about having rightfully stolen Boss Mortimer.

Trill, however, while he's very much OK with stealing things, is not OK with stealing people. He sneaks behind Mortimer (who is hung up on multiple creeper vines), making use of his Shadowfawn jam, and starts cutting the vines with his cutpurse knife. Meanwhile the others keep the pixie, Gilderboots, talking, until finally there's a crash and Mortimer tumbles to the ground. 

Gilderboots makes some grumbly noises, but Trill says that he's rightfully stolen Mortimer, and the pixie sods off on his glasshare. Mortimer gets dressed (and Trill steals everything else that was hanging from the vines) and everyone heads back to the wagon, which Mortimer starts to turn rightways up. He also says that his partner, Rance, is still missing, as are the mossbacks that were pulling the wagon. 

The characters follow another path and, in the distance, see a strangely constructed shack. It just...leans weird. There are people milling around, and a couple of mossbacks. Apparently they've found Rance? 

They talk with Rance (except Torneko, who finds a very comfy bed in the shack and goes down for a nap), and he's clearly confused. He seems to have forgotten...well, who he is, what he's doing here, his mossbacks' names. Trill talks with the mossbacks and learns that they're called Acorn and Butternut, and they don't seem to be missing any memories (not that mossbacks have long memories to begin with; they would very much like to get back to pulling the wagon, which they both enjoy). 

But as they're talking, a figure in ragged clothes approaches (or appears?). Its hands are too long, its voice is soft, and it calls itself Oublie. It offers to help, but wants to bargain, and Opal recognizes it as a "dwindler," a creature that can slowly steal memories from others. 

Bargaining, though, is what Cinderspark does. She negotiates with Oublie, offering up an ingredient she's carrying, some of the trinkets that Trill swiped (which Trill reluctantly volunteers), and, best of all, Timbertrod calls up an ancient memory of his race. The stakes are high, though - Cinderspark bargains not only for Rance and the mossbacks, but all of the other people trapped here. Some intense discussions follow, but Oublie eventually accepts the deal, and the characters leave with their prizes (and someone does remember to wake Torneko up). 

[In here too was another pixie named Swankyclogs, who rode a Night Cat, and we wound up bargaining with him for passage back to the path, but the disadvantage to me making dinner is that I miss details so I didn't quite get all of this.]

They return to Mortimer and reunite him and Rance (though Rance doesn't remember him, but Mortimer is willing to make new memories with him now). They hitch the mossbacks up to the wagon, and follow the path with the crates, hoping to find them intact.

As they approach the end of the path, they hear someone huge weeping. They round the corner and, near the edge of a cliff, they find a...giant pixie? It looks like a pixie, but it's immense, and it's wearing really, really nice shoes. The crates are splayed out around it, and a couple of them have been cracked open. 

They talk with the pixie (whose name is Niceshoes), and he reveals that he was the smallest of the three brothers and wanted to be bigger. So he ate a couple of those ingredients and now he's too big, and wants to get small again! But not too small. He still wants to be bigger than his brothers. 

The Marmeteers realize that the two crates he ate from were Wikenweed (which pulls dreams into the waking world) and Zephyr's Dew (which can alter reality). Eating those two things together must have brought his dream of being bigger to life, but in an uncontrolled way. Torneko gets him to focus on being the right size, while Trill helps him to think about balance ("not too, not too") while a bit more Zephyr's Dew is applied, and Niceshoes shrinks to his normal size - maybe a bit bigger? 

He calls up his mount, a sugarnewt named Glucose, and tells the Marmeteers to get these crates out of here; he doesn't trust them. At last the characters have everything put together, but what they don't have is enough time to get everything back. And how would they get the wagon down the cliff, anyway?

"We lick the cloud," says Trill. Gather everything together and make use of the time loop. They gather everything up, all hold hands, and...lick.

The character's gather round the table for breakfast pastries, only now there are two very perplexed mossbacks and a bunch of crates with them! Beulah has her ingredients, and is able to make the pastries for Nibella McQuaff! 

The reviews are positive, though not exactly glowing. This only spurs Beulah, in the way of a true artist, to try harder in future, and the story of the Halfway Inn continues.