Saturday, July 29, 2017

Movie #416: Milk Money

Milk Money is a 90s rom-com starring Melanie Griffith, Ed Harris, Malcom McDowell, Michael Patrick Carter, Anne Heche, Brian Christopher, and Adam Lavorgna. It was one of my father's favorite movies, which explains why I own a copy. I'd never watched it until the other day.

So: In the misty yore of the late 90s, pre-Internet (this movie does not work in a modern era), young Frank (Carter) and his pals Kevin (Christopher) and Brad (Lavorgna) really, really want to see a naked woman (their age is unclear, but Frank looks about 9 and the other boys maybe 11, so I'm not sure why they're all in the same grade, but maybe Frank is just small). Instead of conspiring with an older classmate to buy them a copy of Penthouse or whatever, they bike to "the city" (Pittsburgh was where they filmed it, though it was supposedly set in Ohio) and try to hire a prostitute to get nekkid for them.

They immediately get assaulted and nearly robbed, but are accidentally saved by V (Griffith), a sex worker who, after some hesitation, take them home and shows them her breasts. Their bikes have been stolen, however, and V, tired of getting slapped around by her asshole pimp (Casey Siemaszko), steals his car and drives them home. Said car breaks down, and V winds up crash in Frank's tree house while Frank tries to hook her up with his widower father (Harris).

Now, granted, all of that makes perfect sense, but then the movie just kind of goes in four or five different directions. We've got a subplot with a crazed English gangster (McDowell) coming after V because he stashed a lot of money in the car. We've got Kevin's father (I cannot figure out who played him) recognizing V because he's a client. We've got Dad trying to save the wetlands. We've got Kevin, who was a neat freak, suddenly deciding to...stop bathing and smear food on his face? We've got Brad (Lavorga) losing his prized leather jacket to Frank on a bet, and both boys crushing on girls in their class. It's a hot mess.

Look, ignore for a moment that in 1999, even people in small-town Ohio had cable and could therefore see tits. Ignore for a moment that V in this movie wears a gold heart locket around her neck so she's literally a hooker with a heart of gold. Ignore for a moment that exposing herself to minors is a sex crime (it doesn't count because they're boys and she's a hot woman, right?).

Actually, no, don't ignore any of that. This movie is really pretty awful. About the best I can say for it is that Griffith and Harris are talented enough actors to make their scenes work. (I also feel the need to point out that when my dad saw and loved this movie, he was suffering from Alzheimer's, so don't judge him.)

My Grade: D
Rewatch Value: Low

Next up: Milo & Otis