Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Movie #459: The Musketeer

The Musketeer is an adaptation of Dumas' The Three Musketeers, only this time, the acting is terrible and the fight choreography is Eastern! It stars Justin Chambers, Tim Roth, Stephen Rea, Catherine Deneuve, Mena Suvari, Nick Moran, Stephen Speirs, and Jan-Gregor Kemp. It's pretty bad.

The story doesn't exactly hew close to the novel. D'artagnan (Chambers) gets his Batman origin story; his parents are murdered in front of him by Febre (Roth), an evil servant of the Church and Cardinal Richelieu (Rea). Young d'Artagnan goes on to become a badass fighter, winds up meeting up with the usual three musketeers, Aramis (Moran), Porthos (Speirs), and Athos (Kemp). He also winds up hooking up with an Italian seamstress (Suvari) with an American accent (don't fret, he speaks American, too), and then there's a lot of fighting, Febre kills a lot of people, goes off the chain, kills more people, eventually Richelieu has to ask d'Artagnan for help getting him under control, more fighting, d'Arty kills him, he gets a medal and threatens to kill the Cardinal, which to me is a short step to the Cardinal saying "shit, I'd better arrange for this jackass to get arrested and hanged toot sweet", but I'm not a church guy.

Anyway, this movie is terrible. They spent all the money on costumes and set design (which, in fairness, do look really fantastic) and on Catherine Deneuve (who is also fantastic), but that left no money for getting a d'Arty who can act or an editor who knows how to be patient. The fight choreography is interesting, especially when you take the fluid, acrobatic style of wire-fu and mix it with swashbuckling, but the unfortunate result is that no one is having any fun, which is a staple of swashbuckling.

Also, dear god, the dialog. The line delivery. Rea and Roth seem to manage to chew scenery effectively, but the scenes between Suvari and Chambers are just lifeless and embarrassing. Give me the Disney version with Chris O'Donnell any day.

My Grade: F
Rewatch value: Low

Next up: My Best Friend's Wedding